Aphantasia

I have this recurring dream where I’m a personal assistant; actually, it’s more like a confused housesitter. I work for this greased-hair executive type who leaves super early in the morning and works all day. He’s nice enough—just seems like a man raised in a generation of false bravado and poor communication skills.

In one of the dreams, I showed up for my first day of work and had no clue what I was supposed to be doing so I simply laid on the living room floor staring at a blank TV, with the front door in my periphery in case anyone showed up. I waited and waited and waited until finally the boss showed up and told me I did a good job.

Why anyone needs a thirty-year-old manchild to sit in their living room all day? I have no idea. I don’t quite remember how these dreams started. I don’t know how I got the job or how much it pays but I do know why I took it.

The man’s daughter is a few years younger than me. She’s timid and awkward. Aloof, some might say. She knows she’s weird and doesn’t care. She reminds me of an old coworker. Her face and voice are the same. Occasionally, she’ll pop up while I’m tending to my duties and we’ll chat. Brief moments of conversation that make all of her father’s inane tasks worth it.

I remember in one dream she had a bunch of friends come over only she wasn’t there yet. So I spent a while just chatting with these young bro-ish figures about bro bullshit. Then when the daughter did arrive she pulled me into the kitchen and we spoke for a while. About what? I don’t recall. I just know it was interrupted by a text message from her father. He was in the driveway, waiting for a water bottle and his “earth pills”. I took them outside and before I could make it back to the kitchen, the dream ended.

When I wake up, I feel disappointed. Crushed with the weight of reality. Even though nothing exciting happens and I hardly remember our conversations, I usually find that dream world preferable to my own life. If only because I get to be around her more.

I’ve been reading up on lucid dreaming—the lack of agency was starting to bother me—but nothing I’ve tried seems to work. At least, not to the degree that people tell me it does. The other problem was this dream was recurring but it wasn’t every night. Sometimes I’d go days or weeks without a visit. I even tried setting the intention, pleading with my subconscious as I went to bed to take me back there but it had no effect. It was still random. And so eventually I just embraced that lack of pattern and started to cherish every moment that I did get in my fantasyscape.

I know it’s not healthy. But, like most habits, it's hard to break. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the dream first started during quarantine. But since then it’s only grown more out of control. I need to stop. To keep from going down this road again. But letting go has always been difficult for me.