And Maybe You'll Think

She didn’t even need to knock. She had arrived at the door and wasn’t looking at him and he stood there stiffly dazed, at once thrilled at her presence yet discouraged immediately by her crestfallen posture. Her eyes flicked up to read him and then, taking liberties from his astonishment, entered, with sad messenger steps. He took a swinging side step backward as she came in, sensing a tidal wave of sorts, the sorts which in premeditations cause the mind and body to brace itself.

“What’s up?” he asked hollowly.

She turned slightly to face him, her body stooped, eyes looking through the floor, and her hair, he noticed, even with a tidal wave coming, had that gorgeous sheen as always, there in his horrendously lit apartment. She then reached into her purse slowly. Out came a greeting card envelope, its corners bent and dirtied, and the envelope was set floating in between them.

“Here” her eyes full of glossed pity finally came to meet him.

“But that’s for you-”

“No. It’s not.” and the envelope floated closer to him.

He looked at the envelope, saw his handwriting which seemed foreign, and couldn’t comprehend what was happening.

“What is it?” he asked.

The envelope came closer still and her view went past him, over his shoulder, toward the door, toward some place infinitely far away .

“I don’t deserve it” she said as if returning stolen goods.

“What is it? Is it too soon?” he asked, stuck in place.

“Yes”

“Then forget it. Here, let me throw it away.”

She retreated the envelope back as he reached for it, “But this is how you feel-”

“It is but it can not be, I mean-”

“It’s too late. You feel it.” and the envelope now emphatically fell directly onto his chest.

His fixed eyes on her revealed a stupefied pain, “What is it?? Because I love you??”

Her hand released the envelope and she slowly shrunk to the floor, her huge handbag slumping into folds, her legs awkwardly spreading out, her head rocking with whimpering grief.

He lowered himself cautiously and took her limp hand into his. She didn’t look up and perhaps forgot he existed.

“Can we just forget the card?” he pleaded.

She began sobbing all the more and tears fell onto their joined hands. He took the soft part of his index finger from his free hand and gently wiped away the rivulets cascading down her face.

What felt like minutes passed, her eyes remaining down, flickering here and there, at once angry then soft, sometimes reaching his eyes with penetration, and then the pain would revive itself anew. When she had finally subsided into a calm state, or calmer state, she looked up to his expectant face, and with an exonerating tone flatly said, “I will never know how to love.”

He sat dumbfounded for moments then said, “I’m no master either but I do know that with what I do know, I give to you.”

Her face twisted into pain all over. He scooted closer, lowering his head, and looking up to find her reddened eyes, continued on trying to alleviate, “I can give you all I know Elena. We can learn from each other. I think you may love me back-”

Her head shaking she said, “I’ll never love...can’t…you deserve someone else…”

“Oh screw what I deserve! I want you!” he exclaimed and she looked up, “You have loved Elena, don’t give me that. I feel love from you. I know of your pain. You think you’re alone in your pain. Everyone thinks that and that they don’t deserve love. Look at me please. I know of your pain babe and guess what, I love you for that. You’ve taught me vulnerability. You know how hard that is for a guy? So I wrote ‘I love you’ in the card, how’s that make things so much different? We show each other love…what’s a few words gotta end things for??” and he began dropping tears himself and even if their hands weren’t joined he wouldn’t have wiped them away.

“But…you said it…”

“Yes! Yes!…I love you Elena!”

“Stop.”

“Look at me! I love you!”

“Please stop!” and she retreated her hands back into her lap.

He inched even closer, their heavy breaths mingling between their puffed faces, a familiar tension rising, and softly said, “Babe, what is it you want?”

“I’ll never be able to love.” she repeated as if this were her only truth, a sad truth that fixated upon her as she rode the orange line metro over to his apartment.

“I think you’re wrong. I think you love me-”

“I can’t-”

“-from the way you treat me. It shows itself, Elena. This past Christmas for instance-”

“Those are…people expect things…”

“But still, I could tell you put thought into the gifts.”

“No-” and she shook her head to rid herself of the accusation.

“Or even the little things. The little things you do- leaving notes, your kiss prints still on my bathroom mirror-”

“People expect those things…” she said matter-of-factly.

“So you did all those things cause you thought relationships expect it? I don’t believe it.”

She lifted her head and, though distress usually mangles the face, her bright brown eyes glimmered from a pool of beauty. God, she was beautiful.

She said, “I’ll always be alone Trey. And you’ll find a great girl who knows how to love-”

“But-”

She bulldozed through, “-and then you’ll forget me, or think you will until some smell or song gives nostalgia, and you’ll smile, remembering, and maybe you’ll think of what-coulda-been, but I’m telling you Trey, I have nothing, nothing to return and you’ll end up resenting me.” As she was finishing this declarative statement, her face withdrew down and away, as if a future movie, privately screened in her vision, foretold ominous events.

Trey looked at her lost. He simply couldn’t find the logic or non-logic to understand where this all came from.

Moments passed as they both looked blankly away, drained.

Outside, the jangled and off-pitch song of an ice cream truck came in through the open door and they looked at each other, smiling weakly, both sharing the memory of chasing down the truck at the beach after one of their first dates, screaming and giggling like 5 year olds, acting with so much lunacy that the driver sped up to get away, and as the song filled then left the apartment, their smiles became soft grins, and they looked deeply at one another, intensely.

Then, leaning forward with shutting eyes, their lips suddenly found each other, the song echoing still.

The greeting card was in the trash the next day.