And Everyone Clapped

I literally live on minimum wage, I’m doing just fine. I don’t get why people think you can’t. I work from 9am to 9pm Sunday through Friday, so that’s 72 hours a week, getting paid $8.25. I make about $600 a week and even saved up enough to visit Disneyland.

Unfortunately though, my boss told me that since the minimum wage is raising, he can no longer afford to employ me, so in a little while I will be making $0 a week. Thanks democrats, for raising minimum wage. Smh.

Before my flight to Disneyland, I made an appointment to get vaccinated to be extra careful while traveling. On my way to my appointment, an older gentleman in the elevator tried to shame me for having my headphones in. He said, “Kids today don’t read.” I turned a little to show him the book in my hand that I was planning on reading in the waiting room. I said, “I’m just listening to music.” Then he said, “Music today is garbage.” To which I showed him my phone where I was listening to hymns. Baby boomers, gosh.

First thing the doctor says when she calls me back is that she noticed I lost 12lbs since she last saw me.

“Essential oils,” I said.

“Essential oils?”

“Essential oils.” I pulled out a bottle and showed her the ingredients.

“Well sign me up.”

And that’s how my doctor became my customer.

They tried to give me my vaccine but my arms were too big for the needle and kept breaking it. The nurse was like, “Wow, these are the biggest arms we’ve ever seen, and we just had Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson in here last week.” Guess I gotta take it easy at the gym.

So they tested me to see if I already had Covid-19 before. It came back negative. However, the doctor comes back and says, “It’s negative because you had it at one point. Your immune system is so suppressive, it muted its DNA to eliminate any mutations of the virus. In essence, your DNA is a cure to this.”

I told him I am not interested in having my DNA be replicated or donated unless I would be getting paid for every vial that contains my DNA.

“No sir, you cannot be paid.”

I said, “Well you can’t and whoever else that has it can’t be cured.” And I just walked out.

When it came time to board the plane, I wasn’t wearing a mask, and a woman came up to me and said, “Thank you for not wearing a mask. I’m a nurse and we need to build our immune systems.”

The guy I was seated next to on the plane worked for NASA. He told me the earth is flat and there is a dome. He also said NASA is nothing but smoke and mirrors. Then the conversation got weird. Really really weird, but very very interesting.

We were interrupted by the flight attendant handing out bags of honey roasted peanuts. A lady in the middle aisle stood up and declared, “You should NOT be eating peanuts! My son has a severe allergy and so do I.”

Without saying anything, I calmly reached into my bag and took out my new essential oil blend and injected her and her son with it with a needle that I keep for situations like this. (It happens more often than you’d think). Then I gave her a peanut and told her to eat it.

After she finished, she told me she had several doctors prescribe her medication for her allergy, and none of them actually worked, but mine did. She actually asked me if I was literally a doctor, and when I told her I wasn’t, her jaw dropped. She then gave me $100 as an apology and even asked for the rest of the peanuts.

Before getting off the plane in LAX, I asked the air steward if I could have a word with the pilot. He gave me a knowing smile and took me to the cockpit. Here’s how the conversation went:

Me: Flying the distance we’ve flown at the speed we’ve flown at, as the pilot you’d have to dip the nose of the plane at regular intervals to allow for the curvature of the earth. Do you do that?

Pilot: No, I don’t.

Me: So you just fly straight, no nose-dipping at all?

Pilot: Correct.

Me: So does that mean you’re flying over a flat surface then?

Pilot: Yes.

Me: So there’s no curvature?

Pilot: No. No curvature.

Me: So if there’s no curvature, that means the Earth is not a sphere.

Pilot: Correct. It’s flat.

Knowing smiles all around.

Once I arrived at Disneyland, I walked into the Starbucks. The place was full, nowhere to sit. I took out my phone, placed it to my ear and said loudly, “Bro come fast, she’s here with someone else.” Six couples ran away.

At the counter, I gave my name as “Hermione Granger”, and when they called my name for my drink, a handsome boy was staring at me. I was about to ask him why he was staring at me when they called the name “Draco Malfoy”, and he walked up beside me to grab his drink. He turned to me and said, “MUDBLOOD”, gave me his number, and winked. The barista started crying and said, “Ten points to Gryffndor and Slytherin!” and gave us both free pastries.

After the boy left, I took my first sip of my drink, and it was all wrong. I complained to the barista, and he invited me back behind the counter to make my own drink. I ended up creating a whole new drink on the spot. It went down so well with a customer that the staff asked for my recipe so they could add it to the menu.

I hated drinking from the paper straws at Disneyland so much, I had to pull out a plastic one from my own personal stash for my drink and soon found the other guests asking me for one as well. Got so many high fives, my hand hurt.

And I hate to brag, but the whole time I was at Disneyland, children kept coming up to me and asking me if I was Walt Disney. (I have a pencil thin moustache and always wear a tie when I’m there). And when they ask me this, what else can I say but, “Why yes I am! Are you enjoying my park?” And they say yes, and I say, “That’s good. I like when families have a good time. That’s why I built this place.” And the kids love it, and the parents love it. I have a feeling I’d break their hearts if I said no.

A random guy commended me on my kind and convincing performance as Walt Disney. He said I was good enough to be paid for it and asked me if I wanted a job. And that man’s name was Elon Musk.

And that’s the absolutely 100% true story that definitely happened of how I pulled myself up by my bootstraps.