An Unconventional Cover Letter

Dating is hard, especially when you have to fill in a bio to meet them. You want your dating profile bio to be short, but alluring, fun ,but sexy, and at the same time show them what you’re made off and why you are worth their investment.

But how do you show them that in just 3 short sentences?

I started thinking about how you would present yourself for a job application. What information would you include in your resume? Maybe some general information: age, height, weight, measurements that short of stuff. Also, your previous experiences, both good and bad, maybe not all the bad ones,and what you’ve learned from them. And most importantly your references. You have to choose recent references, not Dan Smith, that would end in a catastrophe, but also choose the ones that you are certain they will highlight your good attributes and let the prospective partner discover your faults all on their own.

But what if the one you are looking for is not available?

It’s hard enough trying to find an eligible man in their thirties, it’s even harder when the one or ones you are crushing on are already in a relationship. Such was the case with my latest Instagram crushes, which I discovered have been in a seemingly happy relationship with each other, at least based on their most recent posts.

I decided to test my theory and apply for the role of the third person in their hopefully soon to be polyamorous relationship. After writing my resume, I included a cover letter. See below what I included for inspiration for your future endeavours, if you find your self in a predicament like mine:

“Dear Simon and Marco,

I am a successful business professional with a proven track record of long term partnerships and restructuring of conventional relationships. I will bring my tenacity, passion and enthusiasm to your relationship in the capacity of the new partner in your soon, hoping-to-be, consensual non-monogamous relationship. As such, here are some of the skills I will bring:

• I am loyal and honest. I can attest from previous polyamorous relationships that I have been involved in, that honest communication is the key to a successful partnership,
• I am very trustworthy and discreet, if needed to be. My recent relationship with Dan Smith may have leaked in the tabloids but I can assure you that I did not expose the relationship for monetary benefits, despite of what was alleged in the press and by my ex,
• I have a successful business career and can work remotely. This will ensure that I can be available for all your needs any time, anywhere or, otherwise, stay busy if my presence is not desired,
• I am an excellent cook. In my teenage years, I worked as a waiter on many Michelin-starred restaurants where I picked up various cooking techniques as well as secrets, including, but not limited to, how to make the perfect omelette.

I will contact you in the coming days to arrange a date with the both of you, or individuals if you prefer. If you would like to get in touch before then, please contact me using the information in the CV, attached.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely yours,

Will"

I know what you must be thinking right now.

Did this work?

It has now been 59 days since my letter arrived at their house and 57 since I also emailed them the information. I check my mail daily but they have still not replied, or returned my calls, or answered my dms. But I am hopeful.

Maybe I should make a TikTok about this?