Am I awakened now...

Frozen, unable to step back and break away from the view Lera begins to feel this familiarity as if this very scene has played out once before. She begins to realize it was another moment of Deja vu happening after peering into the keyhole of her parents' bedroom. There the mother sat with a displeased sorrow filled expression while the father stood on the side of the bed fussing with disgust and anguish. In the center of the heavy emotional crossfire was a baby just lying there in stiffness as if it were a stillborn, but that just presumed to be her nature because her eyes were shifting from one side to the other. Maybe she was too frightened to even wiggle a finger, so she chose stillness to keep her safe, possibly even to become invincible. A sudden jolt shot through Lera's body causing her to lose balance and fall backwards hitting her head on a ledge. Few moments after she went into a deeper unconscious state.

Morning arrived and laughter filled the presence of the home so much it pierced through Lera's room waking her up. She tiptoed downstairs after doing her daily beauty ritual to see who was visiting and seen it was just her older sister cackling at the tv. Hesitant to speak because she rather not be given a cold shoulder greeting early in the day, she cut off into the kitchen to get to the backyard.

"Hi blue jays, hi squirrels.... hello trees" she hesitates to greet. Mysteriously, only the trees although beautiful always gave Lera an uncomfortable feeling as if an abundance of spiders were nestling there waiting to come down and wrap her up in their silk webs. Which wouldn't be too much of a frightening plan considering the reoccurance of vivid dreams visiting every day. As a close friend of nature she felt more at home outside then she did inside of the actual house.

Lera laid down in the grass to recall what she seen through the keyhole earlier. She wanted to break it down like she does her dreams that often wakes her up at night accompanied with emotional distress. "Who was that family and what was going on?" "Why did I feel such an intense sadness as if I were the baby on the bed?" "Could that have been me.... , but that didn't look like my parents and I know my parents loved me since birth...least I believe so!" Just as she asked those questions her cat crept up purring rubbing his head into her arm. Her emotional support always showed up at the right moment.

Lera begin to experience the same reaction from earlier when peering through the keyhole, frozen. Lying there stiff letting yet another scene play out, it was flashbacks from the many moments she felt alone in a family of 5. Although she grew up with foundation of family being important, her vision from the keyhole related to that feeling of loneliness. Lera started to talk out loud again to get further clarity. "Remember that time you wanted to share your gifts with the family, and they brushed it off because it wasn't of the ordinary. It was against the beliefs. Or the days you'd feel empty from doing what makes you fulfilled yet no one could relate or even offer empathy to your excitement. Many of your proud personal accomplishments just fell wayside to them...like they couldn't even offer a handful of capacity to care".

Tears started to fall on the leaves that were suffocating under her legs as she begin to realize the keyhole vision was her actual life leading up to now. It started to fill the wonder of not fitting in, always retreating to her bedroom for safety, tensing at loud noises, cringing at yelling, and feeling misplaced within her birth family. Lera always tried to shapeshift into places by way of acting normal, but it only spiraled her into depressive episodes. "The baby in the keyhole was me". "Damn, I am a bit stiff and just very observant of everything", she chuckeled out silently. The chuckling then faded into confusion and hurt "Why can't I be accepted as I am the way I've learned to accept them as they are...?"

To be continued.