Almost Certain

Hello? Who's there?

I know you're there.

Oh, you heard me.

I thought I heard something.

You always do. I'm sorry, I didn't want to bother you.

You're not bothering me. Who are you? You're familiar.

I don't know.

What do you mean?

I never got the chance to figure out who I am.

How so?

I was supposed to be born, but then I wasn't.

Oh, I'm sorry. What happened, if you don't mind...

It's all right. I'm not quite sure either. I thought maybe you could tell me.

Really? How could I?

Because you were supposed to be my mom.

Oh.

You sound disappointed.

I am surprised. How long have you been here?

How long have you been you?

That long?

I've been waiting.

For what?

For you.

For me?

Yes. To be ready.

Why are you here now?

Because you keep calling.

I don't.

Yes, you do.

When?

When you see children and feel relief. When you figure someone's pregnant and you feel sorry for them. When your father told you he wants to be a grandfather, and you got mad because he said you owe him this much. When you—

That's enough. How do you know all this? Do you live in my head?

No. But I'm in your thoughts.

I see. Well, okay. Uhm... huh, isn't it hot in here?

I don't feel temperature. I'm just a soul, I don't have a body... yet.

Is that supposed to make me feel better or worse?

None of them.

So, you were still not born yet? I mean, to someone else?

No.

Why not?

Because I am supposed to be born to you.

Hah, and who decided that?

It was a choice.

Whose?

Ours.

I don't remember signing up for anything.

You weren't meant to remember.

What are you talking about?

Our soul contract.

I don't believe in things like that.

Yet, you're still talking to me. That's a belief.

I guess, I believe you were somewhere out there. Why are you still here?

Because you'd love me.

I already do.

Then why wouldn't you have me? Why do you keep asking me not to come yet?

Oh, honey, it's not that simple. Love isn't enough.

It is for me.

It's more complex than that. You have no idea what it's like to be a human. There are... consequences.

I signed up for them.

But did you know what you signed up for? Really know?

I did. I didn't mind the struggle. I didn't mind you being a single mom. I didn't mind all the moving around. I didn't mind uncertainty or even poverty. I chose it all. It would be fun with you.

But I would mind. And it wouldn't be fun. I don't want to give you a childhood that you'd have to survive. I know how it is. I would never forgive myself.

You think I'd blame you?

Of course you would.

So you’d rather I don’t exist.

I’d rather you don’t suffer.

But you suffer anyway.

That’s different.

How so?

I chose it. So you don't have to.

But I did chose it.

This isn't going anywhere. It would take too long to explain.

Its okay. I have time.

Please, don't make this harder.

I'm sorry. What should I say to make you feel better?

I don't know. Just, tell me you understand.

I understand.

Can you forgive me?

I don’t need to.

Then what do you need?

I need you to be honest. With me and with yourself.

About what?

About what you're afraid of.

Of hurting you?

Of failing. Of repeating the past. And of being loved that much.

Yes.

You don't think you deserve it.

I don't think I could survive if something happens. Again. I'm so sorry, I don't want to disappoint you, but I am almost certain it's not going to happen.

You said that before. Almost. It's not the same as never.

Is that what keeps you waiting?

Yes.

What happens if I never become certain?

One day you won't have to be. There will come a time when it won’t be possible for me to be born to you. I’ll stop waiting then.

You'll leave? To someone else?

No. I will stop waiting in this life.

What about the next?

That would be another contract.

I'm sorry, I don't want to make you wait that long.

Then you have to let me go.

I don't know how.

You just have to be certain.

But I am not. I love you.

I know. That's the whole point.