Abuse and Neglect

I'd never meant for it to get this bad. It was just one of those things that happened sometimes I guess. I took a long drag from my cigarette followed by a deep breath. I pulled my jacket sleeves up over the last remaining part of my past self. Bruises healed, scars never did. I hated remembering what they had done to me. I grew up hating every part of my being. I sure as fuck knew my parents did. I pushed my short blue hair out of my eye.

"Anna." I heard a voice from behind say. I snapped my head around so quickly I almost dropped my cigarette. She smiled and spoke again, "We're ready for you." I tried to force a smile and flicked my cigarette into the nearby trash can. The caretaker held the heavy wooden door open while I did an awkward half jog. I hadn't gotten used to therapy. They kept telling me it took getting used to, but I honestly didn't think it was something I would ever get used to. The hard wooden floors scraped loudly under my blue Converse. The noise echoed out throughout the massive mansion. I sighed, this place was like an empty prison with only zombies for prisoners.

I followed the caretaker as she led me to a small room in the corner. I took a quick look around. It was nothing special, just one chair in the corner, a desk near the front, and in the back my therapist sat. I had only gotten a chance to speak with her once in the last few days and that was basically just introductions. “Hi Anna, please take a seat.” I snuggled and sat down quickly. She smiled at me. “How have you been feeling?” I pulled the sleeves of my black jacket down. “I’ve been better, but I’ve been worse too.”

She sighed. “Well I’m here to help.” She said as she reached across to grab my hand. I overreacted and pushed it away. There was a long pause. “I’m sorry..I” She cut me off. “It's my fault, don't worry about it.” She pushed a lock of long brown hair back behind her ear. I wondered for a minute how it felt to be pretty like her? Would they have loved me more if I was normal like her? She cleared her throat and tried to smile again. “So first things first tell me the whole story.” I sighed. “Where do I begin?”

Three years earlier.

I let my blue converse dangle above the grassy surface as I debated going home. For most kids, the end of a school day brought about immense freedom. For me, it brought an overwhelming amount of dread. I fingered the strap on my backpack and threw the front pocket opened to reveal one crisp pack of Camel Cigarettes. I let out a little smile as I slowly lit one up and let the smoke inside. Before I could even exhale I felt a hand gently pull it out of my hand. “You know these things will kill you.”

I heard a familiar voice say as he took a long drag. “Hey why the hell can you smoke then?” He laughed “Because I’m an adult and I can make poor decisions if I want.” I couldn’t help, but laugh. Mr. Ross was a bright spot in an otherwise bleak present. It was hard not to like the guy.

Half the girls had massive crushes on him and it wasn’t hard to see with his baby blue eyes, and a smile that made your heart skip a beat. None of this was why I was in love with him of course. He just had a way of making everything better, he was always a fun guy to hang out with no matter what you were doing. He took another long drag and threw it in the nearest trash can. He looked down at me with genuine concern. “You ok kid?” I scratched at a fresh bruise hidden by my jeans. “Yeah I’m fine.” I forced a smile. He didn’t look convinced as he took a seat on the white bench next to me. “You know you can tell me anything right?” He tapped my shoulder and I felt my heart skip a beat.

Stop it if Mr Ross knew what you were thinking he would be horrified. I thought. I bit at my fresh lip piercing and sighed. I turned towards him and took a deep breath. “I want to tell you,I really do, but I…can’t.” I stuttered out. He took a moment to consider his words. “Did something happen?” I felt a loose tear fall down my cheek. “I just don’t understand…” I said, feeling my voice break with every word. He turned to face me “Understand what Anna?” “Why don't they love me?” I barely got out before completely breaking down. Thank God most of the kids were gone and we were too far for any other staff members to see.

He seemed conflicted as I felt him pull me in for a hug. I buried my face in his shoulder. It was weirdly intimate and I was conflicted with how to feel about this. He sighed like he knew all he needed to know. “I have to report them, Anna, but you have to directly tell me who’s abusing you.” It took every ounce of strength to pull away from him, but I somehow found it. “No it's okay I’m overreacting.” I said as I threw my backpack loosely over one shoulder. “Anna!” He shouted, but I was already out of earshot as I did my best to be home by 4.

I’d missed the bus of course so that meant I had to walk the 2.2 miles home. “Fuck.” I said to myself as I checked my phone and saw the time was 4:15. I was only a few minutes from home at this point, but my parents were incredibly strict about getting home on time. I slowed my run to a crawl and took a deep breath. I’d basically run the whole way home and I still wasn’t going to make it home in time. I took a long pause

before falling on the sidewalk. I threw my backpack out in front of me and lit up another cigarette. The question was now what? I really didn’t want to go home, but where else could I go? It wasn’t like I had a lot of options. I looked around at all the well maintained lawns and identical-looking houses. I sighed. It looked like the perfect neighborhood; there weren't even any cracks in the sidewalks. I took a long drag knowing a neighbor would probably just rat on me if I didn’t go home soon, it wasn’t the first time. I flicked my cigarette in a nearby trash can and flung my backpack around one shoulder. I crossed my fingers hoping today would be different.

I quickly opened and shut the door as quickly as I could. I tried to make no noise and I was still too loud. “Where the fuck have you been?!” I sighed. “Hi, mom.” “Well answer my question where the fuck have you been?!” She shouted even louder. “I got stuck doing something after school.” I didn't dare make eye contact with her. She laughed without actually cracking a smile. “I’ve heard that one before, you better have not been in detention you little bitch!” I sighed. “For fucks sake I wasn’t okay.” She looked at me strangely with her dark brown, almost black eyes. “What did you just say?”

Well I’d really fucked up now. Neither one of us said anything for a long moment. She finally said, “Don’t ever let me hear you talking like that again.” in an actually rather calm voice. “That's it.”I blurted out without thinking. She looked back at me with the dark expression I associated my mother with. “For now it is.” “Ok can I go to my room?” She nodded. I took the stairs two at a time before she changed her mind. Over the years you learned to ask for even the simplest of things otherwise you’d be punished. I threw my body on my bed and immediately started looking for any contraband in my bag.

I grabbed my cigarettes, lighter, makeup, and alcohol wipes. My dad did a daily check every day after he got home from work. It killed me to do it, but I stood up and threw all of them in the toilet. Thankfully we were rich enough that I had my own bathroom. I took a deep breath and flushed them all away. Luckily if there were any plumbing issues they were too cheap to ever do anything about it. I walked back over to my bed, turned my CD player on, and tried to sleep.

I woke up half an hour later to the loudest knocking I’d ever heard. I turned the CD player down and opened my door. I braced myself for the inevitable outcome. My Dad’s anger was boiling. I was scared to make direct eye contact with him. “How many fucking times do I have to tell you to keep the music down and don’t be fucking late?!” Neither of us said anything for a long moment. I think every vein in my Dad could have popped had he been any more upset.

“I’m sorry.” I said finally. He looked stunned “Fuck you, you ungrateful mistake!” He said as he swung for the door, but hit me instead. I fall backwards hard into my nightstand. I saw tiny black shards of wood fall off the top and more importantly I felt the blood fall down my face in a steady stream. I wanted to scream, but I didn’t dare say anything. He walked towards me. I’d never been in a relationship before, but I imagined this was the part where he was supposed to plead for forgiveness. Instead of this my father picked me up by the waist and threw me into the bed. I couldn’t help, but let out a little yelp as I hit the wood.

I grabbed my leg praying to God it wasn’t broken. I held back a tear as my dad grabbed my CD player and proceeded to beat the shit out of it with an old baseball bat. “A little bitch is all you are!” He said as he slammed the door shut so loud it vibrated throughout the room. As soon as the door shut and I heard him make it all the way downstairs I broke out crying. I knew if it was really broken my parents would eventually take me to the doctor. A small part of me was weirdly hoping it was broken. He couldn’t hurt me in public, but at the same time the rage would only multiply if a doctor ever thought anything “fishy” was going on.

For a high enough fee private doctors didn’t see anything though. After a few minutes there was a knock on the door and I saw a small silver tray slide under the door. The food was slightly out of reach so I pushed my right foot towards the tray. I hold my mouth trying not to make a sound. My leg was on fire and every slight movement to the food hurt like hell. I bit down hard as if I was taking a literal bite out of my hand to keep from screaming. I pulled my sneaker back and could just barely get the one piece of bread hanging towards the edge.

I picked it up and slowly bit around the edges. I savored every bite not knowing when my next meal would be. I scoffed down the water and the baby carrots though. I took a deep breath trying to calm down. Fuck I really needed a cigarette. A single tear out before I held them back. Anytime I did anything they just lost it. At least this time it was just a broken leg. Maybe my dad was losing his touch. He used to be a linebacker in college, but it had been years. He didn’t make the NFL and I think he still secretly blamed me and mom for this.

It was always bizarre to me the way she was treated when she got pregnant yet she never left the community. Instead of embracing all the teachings, her religion had taught her. Well, at least all the abusive ones. I think maybe at one point I could have felt some empathy, but now all I could feel was pity for the stupid shell of a person she had become. My father, well I just hated him. How could they both hate their only child so much? They’d rather I was in pain, than not in pain.

What the fuck kind of parents are those? I felt my phone vibrate. Fuck. It was wedged in my left pocket. One of the benefits of having a flip phone was you could hide it like that. I wiggled my left toes trying to see if I could move to reach it without too much pain. my leg was almost certainly broken. I moved my body to the side and very slightly reached for it. I covered my mouth again to keep from screaming. The sheer pain was like needles pricking my skin while it was on fire. I finally got it opened and saw I had one text message from Mr. Ross. I raised my eyebrows. I had given him my number a long time ago mostly as a joke, I’d never expected him to actually use it. “Hey… I know this is weird, but I just felt like I needed to check on you.” He had texted.

My heart particularly leapt out of my chest. There was so much I wanted to tell him, but my hands shook too much to even type anything. I took another deep breath and started to type. “I’m ok…I just need somewhere to stay.” I hesitantly sent the message. No turning back now. A few minutes later my phone vibrated again. I could barely open it, my hands were still shaking so bad. What could he possibly say to that? He had typed “Ohh

How in the fuck was I going to get out of here? It was only 7:15. I'd have to wait a few hours for my parents to go to bed before I could even try anything. I quickly typed “I’m stuck at my parents I’m going to have to wait till they fall asleep.” My phone beeped that it was almost out of battery. Fuck. I knew he was probably going to be confused why I needed a place to stay if I was with my parents. I sighed inwards. I really didn’t want to get into the whole thing. I just wanted to get the hell out of here with him. It didn’t matter where we went, I just…felt better when I was with him. I was down to 5% by the time Mr. Ross responded. “Anna what's going on?” was all he said.

I couldn’t help, but cry at this. I tried to do it really quietly hoping my parents would think I just fell asleep. “I can’t get into it right now. I live at 10567 W 5th avenue, please just get me away from here.” He replied quickly and simply. “Of course I’ll be there after dark.” I sighed outward without meaning to. I felt my whole body start to shake. I was worried about what was going to happen.

I was 17 I could go into Foster Care, but I didn’t want that. My parents made sure I almost never had money. I’d been trying to get jobs since I was 14, but they always ruined any chance I had. They just wanted me to be their prisoner. That was my sad reality wasn’t it, I had no one. I didn’t even have myself, not really anyway not in the ways that count. A slight ray of hope flicked in my head as I saw a small pill on the floor.

I took a deep breath. It must have fallen out of my backpack before I could get rid of it. I never had much money, but I always found it for my habits. This particularly bad one had started a year ago. I didn’t like to think about it, but I knew it would make me feel better. Luckily it was within a couple inches and I could grab it without moving my leg. I

grabbed it and swallowed it whole. The anxiety of taking random pills was starting to go away and the peace I felt with not having to think or worry about anything returned within a few minutes.

I woke up to a slight buzz both on my phone and my brain. I slapped myself alert and quickly flipped it open. It was 11. Holy shit I’d slept for four hours. I saw a few messages from Mr.Ross and realized he’d been waiting for hours. Fuck. “I’ll be right down.” I texted quickly. This was going to be a huge pain in the ass. I tried to stand up and instantly fall back down. After a few tries I pleaded with God and swore quietly under my breath as I finally stood up. I took a deep breath and very slowly moved towards the stairs. I wanted to scream so bad, but I fought every natural urge I had, I just had to get the fuck out of here.

After about an hour I finally got down the huge staircase and outside. I saw Mr. Ross instantly and the genuine concern written on his face. He quickly grabbed me before I fell over. “Anna what happened?” I mumbled something back. “It’s ok I got you.” He said, picking me up in his arms. I was having a hard time staying awake, but his deep baby blue eyes looking down at my poop brown ones will forever stand out in my mind.

“Anna.” I jolted awake to the mere mention of my name. My long brown hair had fallen out of the hair tie so I quickly redid it.

I looked up at Mr. Ross grabbing my bare leg. “You know I really should take you to a doctor.” I silently plended my case with him. He threw his hands up in defeat. “Anna, your legs, broken.” I rubbed my head to force myself to wake up a little more. “It feels fine to me.” That concerned face returned. “That's what I’m worried about.” He said checking my face.

“Ok I think it’s just the leg, come on I’ll carry you, but we have to go.” I reached out and grabbed his hand. “Please please just let me stay tonight.” He sighed and set my hand down. “If I do that you have to tell me what happened.” I sat up further on the bed and took a deep breath. “I really need a cigarette.” I said. He didn’t laugh. “I’m being serious Anna.” There was a long pause before he spoke again. “You told me you didn’t understand why they didn’t like you.”

He said as he sat down on the bed next to me. I felt my breathing slow. “I did.” I replied slowly, I wasn’t even sure if I could remember how to breathe. He turned to look at me. “You were talking about your..parents right?” I didn’t say anything. He touched a large bruise on my leg. “How long has this been going on?” I tried to smile, “I mean since I was born.” He gently touched my face. “I’m so sorry about everything Anna.” I tried to smile again. “It’s not a big deal I’m used to.” I looked around and spotted my jeans on the floor.

He looked embarrassed now. “I threw a pair of my shorts on you, I was just checking your leg.” I should have been embarrassed, but I was too thrilled to be embarrassed. I slightly laughed, “It’s ok, thank you for this.” “Of course.” He smiled. There was a long awkward pause before I leaned towards him. He raised both eyebrows. “What are you doing?” I didn’t say anything as my lips met his. He didn’t push me away though. I felt his tongue on mine as he pushed me down on the bed.

I started to unbutton his shirt when I suddenly felt his hands on my arms. “Anna, stop your only 17.” He was still on top of me when he spoke and I could feel a rather large the bulge in his jeans. I smiled. “You like it though.” He turned away from me and sat down on the bed. “It doesn’t matter Anna this isn’t going to happen.”

I hugged him from behind. “I’m almost 18, maybe in the meantime you could adopt me.” This caused him to gently push me away. “Anna your fucking ridiculous you know that.” I was hurt he was the one person in my life who never talked to me like that.” He must have seen the hurt on my face because his tone quickly changed. “Look Anna you’re great okay you're funny, we get along, and you're..beautiful. His words trailed off as he looked at me. That doesn’t change anything. I can't adopt you and be intimate with you at the same time, it’s just wrong.” He really was a good guy and I fucking hated that. “I’ve been taking pills.” I blurted out. “What!” He said louder than he meant I’m sure.

“There’s a kid at school named Paul who sells his mom's prescriptions and I’ve been getting those and cigarettes from him for about two years.” Mr. Ross looked shocked “In exchange for what.” I looked down at the floor trying to avoid eye contact. He spoke before I could even say anything. “Sex right?!” He shouted. I still didn’t say anything. He sat back down on the bed and gestured towards me. “Come here.” He said as he wrapped me up in the biggest bear hug I’d ever had.

“You have to go to the doctor tomorrow ok and you need to get help.” I nodded half-heartedly. Him and drugs were the only things that made me feel better. How was I supposed to survive without them? This thought caused me to finally break down. “Hey don’t cry, it's going to be ok.” He said while patting my head. I pulled away to rub my eyes. “Thank you Mr. Ross.” He laughed. “Call me

Andrew."