Abandonment

The sun blew hot and golden rays of breath into my exhales and inhales. I sat alone beneath a blue sky on a summer day. The solitude was deafening and exhilirating.

It was my first moments alone in months, I had asked for this post. The minimal necessities of shelter, water, and food seemed appealing to me, after the extended stay with the deranged that my last job required.

The barn was adequate for needs at this point in my life. My last job was having its toll on my physcological well being. I could still smell their body odors, and hear their threats as I walked through the corridors of their personal hells.

To add insult to injury, I felt that I lacked validity with my peers in this matter, that a job that could have taken me half the time and detriment with added values ended up taking me 3 years to accomplish, and even now I could still feel the effects of the physcological horror as it coursed its way out of my phsyche , in this forlorn place of half peace, I waited for the mend.

And even in this moment, I still didn't know if it was my failure, lack of validity with my peers, or the sheer fact that we underestimated their capacity for mental subjugation.

I looked in awe at the abandoned structure and its surroundings, Vast, miles of horizon stretched as far as the eye could see. There was a certain symmetry in the acres of baled hay, that brought further peace to my war weary stature. This post would do me good, for here my work would be with nature, the relation of wild animals to an old human structure. My soul breathed in relief.

I wasn't generally one for , this sort of topography, but all things and the past three years of my life considered, it would do nicely.

I found my gear , tasted the isolation, and unpacked.

Later that night I scared a mouse out of hiding, I feel asleep, savoring the sanctity of nature and solitude, I knew I would dream tonight.

I awoke later, with tears streaming down my face. Haunted faces and laughing scapes of human want and waste had invaded my headspace. I thought of the moments of salvage and damage and what fine lines are walked in the realms of criminal physcology, when I realized, I had a visitor.

The mouse had returned and sat looking at me, with wondering and accepting eyes. I loved him immediately. What shall I call him? I thought. I called him Meekis.

I breathed and stood up with these thoughts in mind. " How could a world be so inane as to choose tyranny over freedom and human dignity?" This was a reoccurring problem at my last job. Everytime, that I or we found a workable solution for the deranged physcopaths we were charged with keeping: and I mean everytime; the bastards would call the general public, a corporate group, or a church lot who would tie our hands.

" Our methods were unethical, subhuman, or unfair." So they said.Um, excuse me, I wanted to say but what we are dealing with are physcopathic and serial rapists who have the capacity for global and genocidal tyranny and with your support, the capacity to end us all.And, truthfully, slowly they were. Some of the most intelligent minds and skilled people can also be the most damaged. It was so frustrating because what I could maintain, save, and correct would then become a whole backwards slide of doom and degradation. I wanted to scream; "you do not know what they are doing, you do not know what they are capable of,"but then I would remember that the normal human mind hasn't the capacity to understand. And so my hands would be doubly tied.

I had found my way outside, and wandered at the depth of the sky, stars and velvet blue night, black shadows and earthen magnificence above and beneath me.

It had been so long since I could freely drink, the sight of stars.

There was a tree that made stark silhouette against the star studded night sky. It commanded my attention as it was utterly dead, it was barren. I found the sight a focal point of beauty and was inspired by the dark contrast to the brilliant blue and shining sky.

Sometimes at night, I loathe to return back in doors, I could stand staring at the sky for hours. I take my time and allow my soul and mind to absorb the beauty of a darkness that is lit. But, morning comes early in the outdoors. So inside I went.

The mouse seemed taken with me, I fed him.

I figured we were friends now. Meekis and I would inhabit the barn for the next couple of months and perhaps his unassuming presence could help to restore my love of humanity.

It's not that I didn't know humans could be mean, I've been around a long time. Its just that I had never dealt with the deranged on such a personal, empowered, and constant level.

So for now, I had to try to get my mind on this task. Catologuing the relation of nature to an abandoned and man made structure, such as this barn.

August 12, 2012

Heat

sun baked sweat

oiled

in shimmering rays...

Day One

I have made a friend, he pays me little mind, acts as if my presence here is hoho mundane. He is a field mouse. I think from observation that thus far is the only, inhabitant of barn A. I will visit the silo tommorow. I have found evidence as well of swallows and other various bird life, this I will document at greater length tommorow. I have managed a few photos.

So, mice and birds, I have found scant evidence of little else, thus far.

The wind is blowing and I think it may storm;perhaps , after the rain has ended I will feel more up to the documentation that will be expected for me.

For now, I stand at the edge of the world, alone, and watch the storm clouds form. The sky is changing quickly as the clouds gather strength and weight. The change of temperature has caused an erie green tint to the atmosphere. Soon enough;the clouds roll in;the sky turns dark blue, and purple,and heavy gray; and lightning arcs across the sky. I love the smell of ozone and I breathe it heavily.

It begins to rain abruptly, and in sheets.

Back in the barn, the tin roof is drumming. I have changed into dry clothes. Meekis makes an appearance. "What do you think, little buddy? Think we might stay dry? The mouse looks commiserating, and hops onto my shoulder. We sit in amiable silence for the rest of the downpour. And I think that perhaps it is natural. My relationship with nature, at least, is as it should be.