A Winter Walk

She and the dog had walked miles that evening. She needed a break from being around her family and decided to get some fresh air in the snow-covered woodland. She was hoping that returning to her parents' house for Christmas would bring her some sense of calm or relief. But her spiralling thoughts were worse than ever. There was no escape from her anxiety.

The dog pushed his black muzzle into her hand to grab her attention and her mind came back to the present. At times it felt like the dog was the only one who could sense her constant unease. She scratched his ears and kept walking. It was pitch black by now and they should head home, but she was enjoying the solitude.

It's amazing how she felt so much more connected to the wilderness than the city. She was surrounded by people and noise and conversation in her day to day life but recently it had become too much. Conversations with colleagues, planning drinks with friends, going to yoga class. Even going to the supermarket to pick up a few essentials seemed daunting.

It’s amazing what a difference a year can make. She recalled her last birthday in the spring. She had organised a get together at a small Italian place. People brought flowers, they talked about their summer plans, she drank her favourite white wine. They promised they would all meet up again soon. It was simple and quiet but she was happy.

Not long after, the pandemic hit. As if the isolation from friends and family wasn’t enough, the company that she had been working for for the last three years went into liquidation a few months later. She lost her job, that she had thrown herself into. She was finding temp work as a waitress to cover the bills. It wasn’t awful, she met some nice people and got to take home some leftovers at the end of her shift. But it was tiring and she was only just getting by financially. With every job application came another knock back. She tried to stay positive but it was hard.

And that’s when the nausea started again. Her meals became smaller. She stopped preparing foods that were too rich with exotic flavours. She prepared bland meals of rice and pasta to keep the nauseau at bay. She replaced meals with snacks, when she did’t have the energy to cook. The nasuea became so bad that she spent most of her time in bed.

Throughout her life, anxiety had been a reoccuring theme. Since she ws a teenger, it came in waves. Sometimes managable. Sometimes non-existant. And sometimes so all emcompassing that she couldn’t stand it anymore. When she was ok, she was more than ok. She was adventurous and fearless and excited by what life had to offer. When she was bad, life was unbearable. Yet she always seemed to get through it. There was always an end and a new beginning.

This time was different. There was no end in sight. No opportunity, no new beginning, no normality. When would everything be ok? She really didn’t know, and she wasn’t sure. In fact she wasn’t sure if things would ever be ok again.

The wind rustled through the leaves of the trees. It fell silent and calm again. She heard the echo of a barn owl call in the distance. She realised how late it was. She scratched the dogs ears and he licked her hand in return. It was time to go home.