A Tale of Two Sails

1.

I have spent my time on sea fishing for a good number of years on the East Coast. Surely my time was not as close to the years my father has put in. working side by side with him was a blessing of its own and when he retired I stayed behind in hopes to make him proud. He has always told me that we chase and catch to earn, and I would surely show him what he has taught me. Unfortunately, he had passed two years in his sleep right after his retirement and I have thought long and hard on the years about it. Now I come to know that we chase what we want in this life in hopes to catch what we wish to earn in the process of doing so. Through these years of still trying to make my father proud, I have come to a crossroads of misjudging what life really is about. Spending most of my life on the swaying tides of the sea. I know there is more than just the smell of the salty waters, windy breeze of clarity, and waving storms of chaos… there must be more. Through all the love I have with floating above the great unknown, I look upon the cliffs on the coast which stands the lighthouse that saved our lives many times. By its side sits a small house amid the horizon of beauty in which I am in awe to share its sight. Amongst that, I catch a glimpse of a silhouette standing upon nature's foundation. Gazing at the calm sunrises and the cloudy days before the storms. I have always wondered about such things with a belief I would never find out but through all days I know we too have shared moments from afar. A far in which I wish to find out on land someday soon.

“Crowell!” the captain shouted to get his right-hand man’s attention. “Crowell!” Running up to him, already wheezing from the short jog, stopping dead in his tracks to lean over the railing alongside Crowell he carried on. “Le… let… i catch my breath first, my goodness.”

After years on deck, everything in this lifestyle was the same, and for myself, if I were never around, I would be found leaning over this very same railing of the boat pondering over the thoughts which I have thought many times before. It sure is a shame that on a vessel like this, thoughts like these would never change anything… so I thought.

“You are a hard man to find my friend!”

“Nope… I have been in the same spot for over ten years now Lenard, you know that.” Crowell said as his gaze was fixed on the silhouette amongst the cliffs.

“Yea… well I wanted to let you know were all down in the kitchen giving a list to Terrance on… damn, that was a far run! Were giving our list on what to get once we get into Heslington tomorrow evening. Perhaps you wanted to shed some light on some new recipes other than the same old or you would like a different bottle other than your scotch?” Lenard asked as he has always asked every week when the crew made their runs for supplies.

“I have a different thought, something that has been on my mind for a while,” Crowell muttered holding back any feelings of hurt from conviction in which he has held back for a long time, but none showed in his expressions. It was just a slight turn in his posture and a stern look on Crowell’s face that convinced Lenard that something was firm. “I… I am leaving tomorrow.”

Lenard’s expression grew confused then saddened with the realization that this time was the final choice. He was not a hundred percent sure, perhaps his lost or hidden intuition finally kicked in. Even though through the years there have been many talks about Crowell leaving the crew but there was something different about this very moment and even Lenard caught that. Maybe it was common sense to him that a man in this lifestyle dies doing what he loves or leaves before that last day.

“Look, this…” Lenard tried to finish but Crowell barged in with a stern reassurance of the choice that was bound to happen one day.

“You have been a great Captain, but unfortunately my time here is done, and I must seek the rest of my life elsewhere. Not out of spite, I love you all, it's just…” Crowell muttered that surpassed the calm quiet waters. “It is something that must happen.”

Lenard looked at Crowell, shaking his head in agreement. Not that he wanted to see him go but understood what he meant and was along his side with this choice as he has been with him on any other choice during their time out on the sea. As it is a duty to be upheld by a right-hand man to a captain, so it is the same for the captain to stand by his right-hand man in all steps of life to the very end.

“You sure?” Lenard asked while wincing as if to convince him that he had one last time to reconsider his decision in the matter.

“I am afraid so…” Crowell pulled Lenard into his arms tightly with tears lightly flowing down his cheek. Then and there it felt as if the waters have frozen along in time for Crowell and there was no time of itself to be counted for. The only thing that came to the surface for the aging fisherman was the only thought that ever mattered. It is his effort and time spent upon the waters to make his old man proud. With this crossroad becoming more real, the thought repeated itself in hopes to find an answer along with that question. Before he could find it Crowell snapped back into focus.

“Come on, let us go make that list for Terrance shall we?” Crowell asked as he let go, then patted Lenard on the back.

The two lightly swayed back and forth to the cabins and kitchen below deck, making their way to the group. Once in front of the group that sat at the small table drinking and having their cigarettes, Lenard perked up to announce but was cut off by the realization that he had a well-put-together crew of misfits. Matt Jackson who was a newcomer but has been there for a couple of years and fitted in perfectly; did not stop the rest from picking on him for being the rookie on the block. Then there was Spencer Hill who has been on deck for years, Matt's main friendly bully. Which he came straight out of college to prove that you do not need a paper to certify you in good living. Then there was Terrance who ran away from home in search of culinary school but has found himself working offshore.

“Listen up crew… Terrance stop washing dishes I need you on this too…Look, to be honest I don’t even know how to approach this for one. Two I must approach this regardless… There is going to be some changes around here.” Lenard said in confidence for he knew what his choice was already going to be, it was not like he had a choice after all but nevertheless, he deserved it.

“Spencer! You are going to be my right-hand man from this day forward. You deserve it my friend, it has been a long time coming but you are one hell of a man, and I am proud to have you by my right side.”

Spencer was in the middle of his inhale of the smoke but choked midway through when Lenard announced the promotion. Spencer got up from his seat coughing from each breath he took, shaking Lenard’s hand.

“You ok?” Lenard chuckled as he watched spencer choke on the smoke but carried on. “It is sad news today for some of you know, Spencer and Terrance I know you both know Crowell already for quite Sometime… Matt, you are new, and…you had a chance to see a full crew and see how we are more than just a business, you had the chance to see a family at work, but! “Lenard said as he put emphasis on the last word of his speech but paused for a moment.

“I am sorry to say that we have our dear friend Crowell leaving us tomorrow…he just has different plans in life is all.”

The crew stood silent in shock, which was written on each of their facial expressions, hoping that this was a joke of some sort. Lenard then carried on with his announcement.

“I wanted to let you all know that he is taking his leave rather than not tell you and he is suddenly gone.” Lenard chuckled then continued. “So, you all know the old-timer didn’t get drunk' off his scotch and fall overboard!” Lenard burst into laughter and praise, asking Terrance to pour liquor into plastic cups to make a toast.

Crowell was confused at the slight moment of which it was a moment of leaving or making a choice of finally leaving as that made them all take a toast. While sitting down at the table with the rest of the crew Lenard yelled out in French as he raised his glass in cheers.

“l’amour pour la vie depuis longtemps.”

The rest yelled out in cheers, but Matt mumbled gibberish, looking around to follow the other crew members' words. Matt looked up to Spencer and asked what they all said and in a reply, Spencer told him that it meant “love to life for a long time”.

“l’amour pour la vie depuis longtemps.”

All clanked their cups before taking their drink along with Crowell. Taking their drinks, Terrance poured another and joined them for the second toast. Terrance then broke out in a song hoping all will join which they eventually did. Tapping his shoes spilling his drink, Terrance sang the song the ‘water boys- fisherman’s blues.’ He then put down his drink and banged on the table before clapping his hands, dotting his eyes to the other crew members. The others got into the rhythm and followed the banging and clapping alongside. He started to sing.

“I wish I was a fisherman.

Tumbling on the seas

Far away from dry land

And it’s bitter memories.

Castin out my sweet line

With abandonment and love.

No ceiling bearing down on me.

Save the starry sky above,

With light on my head.

With you in my arms…”

Terrance at that point started tap dancing and started hugging each of the members. Terrance got to Crowell and grabbed him on both sides of his face and looked at him before giving him a kiss on the cheek and then hugged him. After letting go the look on his face said it all that he was saddened by his choice to leave the crew after so long. Just like Lenard, he knew this choice of his was one that wouldn’t be swayed. Coming out of a daze of sadness he came out of it and went back to a celebration of a last good night. All were having a good time singing and cheering. For Crowell, the song hit him strong as if it were a guilt trip to make him stay.

“Ahwo.” Terrence screamed out, leaning into clank each glass once again, then resumed dancing and spilling his drink.

“Heehaw.” Terrance yelled out after taking his shot then Leonard came to.

“You are drunk, not a cowboy.” He laughed hectically, leaning back, spilling his own drink but continued to sing along with Terrance and the others.

“I wish I was the brakeman,

on a hurtlin fevered train.

Crashin head long into the heartland,

Like a cannon in the rain,

With the feeling of the sleepers

And the burnin of the coal.

Countin the towns flashin by

And the night that is full of soul.

With light in my head,

With you in my arms…”

With the night breaking close to sunset, all left their worries behind and indulged in the very moment alongside Crowell. Laughing and ranting on the same old topics discussed before but was worded differently to come off as something different. Crowell himself was not unhappy with all of that, he was just the only one by the looks of it, that knew how things were and from there he wanted something different. Perhaps it was the smell of the green grass he thought of instead of the waves that splashed against the boat. Through the wandering mind of his, he tried his best to stay present and take in the last moment he had with them all.

By the time midnight came, all were fast asleep in their cabins, Crowell was wide awake, rocking back and forth lightly along with the boat. Leaning over the same ledge as all the other days, pondering on the same thoughts but this time it was different. Excitement but sadness mixed that stirred up plenty of more thoughts and emotions in leaving. Confused if this was the right choice to make, after all, this was family that he was about to depart from unexpectedly. Through all the thoughts he gazed at the light of the lighthouse and remembered the small house right beside it, thinking of the silhouette that stood not far from, gazing at the open waters. For a part of him reassured himself that one day he will peer over the same cliff in wonder.

2.

The next morning the crew, even Crowell, were hungover from the night before. All got ready for work at the brink of dawn. Leading up to another catch out sea but also a departure for two. One being Terrance to get supplies and Crowell in his final moments. When the time came all were on the dock saying their goodbyes. The first one to come up was Matt, who was gently nudged by Spencer to go say his goodbyes. then followed spencer and finally, Lenard came up and looked at Crowell for a moment before shaking his hand.

“Was good working with you, stay well will yea? Do not get yourself washed up on some island. Crew needs a captain like you around?” Crowell remarked.

“Go on get out of here you crazy old man, before I drag you back to the boat for another week.” Lenard chuckled before walking away and glancing back for a quick second.

It was a shared thought for both of how unknown it was, whether they both would meet one another once again. It was clear that from here on out it could have been the last and Crowell would have made his way further west or perhaps get caught up in other affairs that life held. For now, to say the least, it was a new chapter in his life after stepping foot off the deck. Crowell then left, walking on the dock alongside Terrance into the small town where they both said their goodbyes and wishes for one another before departing ways. That moment after knowing the crew for so many years, the first time in a long time, he found himself at an intersection of which turn to make. It was the internal crossroad that made its way in front of him. Glancing back and forth thinking long and hard but he had no plan neither did he know where to go or how to start something new.

Later in the day, he found himself in the local bar, already reminiscing and concluding his final decision whether it was the right one to make. Lightly swishing his glass of scotch in a circle motion, he then took the last drink of it and asked the bartender for another one. Hoping that the last three would not catch up to him, just like the fear and shame that seemed to follow his mindset wherever it wandered to. fear in the sense of giving up what he knows best in return for a life of nothing. Shame itself in regards of letting his father down in suddenly changing his mind on his profession, whatever the next profession would be. While taking small drinks of his scotch there was some level of regret. Wishing at that moment he would have told Matt. “We chase what we want in this life in hopes to catch what we wish to earn in the process of doing so”. Giving the young lad some advice in hopes he could carry it through in his life. Not wanting him to up and leave like he did but was hoping it could put some perspective on what we do in this life and how.

Crowell’s gaze was fixed to the man in the mirror across from him. His monotone look said enough and gradually felt more dead in spirit until a spark was lit unexpectedly with a sudden realization. He then broke out of his still-like trance muttering under his breath.

“We chase… hopes to catch…”

Crowell stood up from his seat, drinking the last of his scotch in one take before slamming his glass down, then headed for the door.

He staggered up the hill past the bar and other businesses. Foreign land had him looking in each direction for he was lost but knew deep down which way he wanted to go. He made his way to the same lighthouse he gazed at for many days and for the silhouette that captivated his soul. Once at the little house that stood by the lighthouse he noticed a for sale sign and confidence and reassurance took over. A lady came out wiping her hands.

“Hello, miss?” Crowell asked. Wanting to get her attention.

The lady in her blue poke a dotted dress shook in the request of a conversation.

“Hey there? “She replied. Caught off guard by Crowell’s sudden appearance.

At that point, Crowell fell in love with her beauty and subtle tone. There was something about her he can not pinpoint.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

“Yea…” He paused, caught off guard himself. “Yea I noticed you have the place up for sale,” Crowell exclaimed.

“Yea we have it for a hundred thousand.” She remarked with a slight chuckle. Then continued. “My ma just wants to get rid of it, didn’t do us any good.”

Crowell pretended to think about the offer while knowing he was about to purchase. It dawned on him coming to learn the price of the house he thought about for many years but did not want to come across as desperate or in love at first sight. At this point, it was the four shots of scotch already kicking in and he just realized. Overthinking the choice showed in his manner then he said loudly that he should have.

“I will take it!”

The woman’s face grew more into a shocked look then replied to Crowell.

“Is that so mister?”

Crowell gazed at her for a moment before replying. Taking in all that he could.

“I believe so miss.”

The woman in the poke a dotted dress stood there in a gaze as well, hands on her hips. She paid no mind to her blond hair flowing in her face. Her grey eyes peaked out from beneath her hair in a calm and intimidating demeanor. Then she perked up with an inviting smile.

“Well, alrighty then. If that’s so why not come inside mister, I figure we have some business to discuss.”

The lady waited for Crowell to join her side by side, making their way to the door. Before they both entered, Crowell glanced over to the sea, taking a quick glimpse of the fishing boat that he once was on. It was not far, and neither was his wanting to go back to what he knew best.

Upon entry, Crowell took note of the layout of the small house and realized why it was priced for so little and that the lady never did have many buyers or people interested in buying.

“You’re probably wondering why this place has never been bought or even a line up to purchase. I know how it is, it’s a beautiful place for sure but it does need some work... a lot of work for that matter.”

Crowell barged in before she could add any other comment about the place.

“Do hate to interrupt miss but my name is Jimmy Crowell, could just call me Jim or Crowell,” Crowell said as he extended his hand.

The lady looked down at his extended arm and smiled gently. “A pleasure meeting you Jimmy, the name is Ella… but you could call me L if you wish.”

“Beautiful name, Ella is just fine by me.”

Ella shook Crowell’s hand and asked if he would like to sit and so he did. Ella then asked him as she made her way to the kitchen countertop.

“Would you like some tea or… perhaps some scotch?”

Crowell perked up in his posture thinking that she is some keeper. Knowing that she knows what drink he goes to.

“You are something.”

“How so Jimmy?” She replied as she was going through the brown cupboards.

“You know what drink I would take other than any other.”

“Close but no… I could smell It on you. That is why I ask. Father used to drink it… but that is before the war.” She chuckled. Then went quite serious.

Crowell hung his head low, not wanting to embarrass himself or disrupt any further first impressions. He then felt just that, thinking he should have been sober before talking to Ella about a major business proposition. Ella then came back to the table to have a seat, placing two cups down and a half bottle of Glen Scotia single malt Scotch.

“I have no tea but hope you don’t mind a little bit of scotch?” She smiled as she poured a quarter into the glasses, dotting her eyes up to Crowell. Just to catch him watching her pour.

“Not at all misses.”

She then said lightly to Crowell. “Please Jimmy, call me Ella… or L. it's all I ask.”

The two raised their glasses in a business toast and before the clank of glasses, Crowell said.

“l’amour pour la vie depuis longtempse.” He continued. “Sorry, love for life for a long time.”

Just like Matt with his attempt to cheer with the crowd, Ella was confused with what Crowell has said. Then Crowell told her what that meant in French. He continued telling her about his Captain and how he just came from ten years off a fishing boat. The two shared their stories as the bottle of scotch became emptier. Laughing and discussing the house, how it needed repairs, and some good cleaning. It was a big job for her, for she was the only child in the family to look after her mother and the house, the reason is for the selling of it. There was no father in the picture, for all she was concerned with, he could have been with another family or perhaps passed. That past of hers was not of her concern and through that moment of time the same feeling for Crowell was the same. He couldn’t have thought that he would be content and at ease this quickly, but the missing and wanting of the smell of green grass and the feel of soil beneath of his feet was a feeling of home. Not that it was a true home, but a home that he was right about and what was needed for all these years. As time passed on without the knowledge of the two, a sudden thought and warmth in Crowell’s heart came in. A question that has burned for many days as he has leaned over that railing on the boat.

“Let me ask you if I may?” He asked as Ella took a drink and then reassured Crowell.

“Shoot!” she winched at the shot of scotch he has taken while keeping her gaze on him.

“It has been on my mind for a long time and wondered if that was you at the edge of the cliff looking out at sea?” Crowell looked deep into Ella’s eyes and anticipated the answer but knew that it was her for all these years. Something has been telling him that ever since he laid his eyes on her it was but wanted to know for sure. Before saying her answer she paused and stared into his eyes as well, lightly smiling at the question.

“Yea I have been from time to time, to look at the beauty of all days and sunsets. It is where I find peace in my lonely days. It’s the only place I have been able to be alone with the Creator's great work, such a talented artist if I may say the least.

Let me ask you something?”

“Of course,” Crowell said.

“I have seen a boat upon those waters every time I have visited that cliff to look out at sea… Were you on that boat?” Crowell adjusted his posture and cupped his glass and told Ella.

“It certainly was me… for many years I leaned over the railing gazing up at this silhouette, wondering who they might be. I’m just glad I had the pleasure to finally see who that person might have been.”

Both paused for a moment while taking it in. gazing at each other in what a coincidence all of this is. At that moment it all came together and made sense for Crowell, that all was in preparation for him to finally come home.

3.

That same day Crowell bought the house and later that year he married Ella on the same cliff where both have seen each other for many years unknowingly. It had been a while since Crowell saw the crew but had invited them to the wedding where they all shared stories and laughed like the good old times. Unfortunately, that was the last time they saw each other. The crew still sailed in the same waters after the wedding. The same waters that Crowell had been upon, for it were the story of calm and heavy storms, but both sailed through regardless. In his old age, Crowell looked over the waters, gazing at the sun setting and the boat that stood motionless. Never did he think in his life that he would become the silhouette. A part of him said repeatedly in his mind, hoping that Matt would realize, that we chase what we want in this life in hopes to catch what we wish to earn in the process of doing so. A thought in the back of his mind always did want to tell him that before he left, but again there were no words he could find in those final goodbyes.

Throughout the years Ella and Crowell had children that eventually grew older to flourish and moved through the west. Crowell never did get to see his grandchildren but knew deep down that they were well and in good company. He passed away in his sleep on a Saturday, living fifteen more years than his father. After that there was nothing else mentioned of their grandfather, he was just a memory, just like their great grandfather. Like each calculated wave that hit the rocks beneath the cliffside of the small house above. As beautiful as it was and as it will ever be it will be just like that, a memory.

Ella continued with her life, living off her mother and Crowell’s death insurance. It was subtle and yet peaceful. She continued to stare over the cliff at the sunsets it has held. It was unknowingly known to Ella that she would continue wearing the ring and move it side to side for the one man who found her in a moment. Other than that, finding our Creator was the only peace she would ever find other than the company she did once have.

4.

Ella casually washed the dishes from earlier dinner, catching the noise of a vehicle pulling up in the driveway. She stopped, listening intuitively then made her way to the window peaking out. She then gasped and broke down crying where she threw her wedding ring on from Crowell then rushed out as fast as she could. She wobbled onto the gravel road with each strut of her cane saying.

“My boy, my precious little boy!” Ella said as she wrapped her arms around Henry, tears rolling down her face.

Henry grabbed her into a hug as well as he never saw his mother in over fifteen years. His stomach pulsated, with each thump of his chest hurt him. Tears flowed down his face, gripping her more tightly for Henry knew he was home. Ella cried into her son’s arms wishing that moment would be forever, but it had ended when both let go. Both wiping their tears away from their cheeks. Ella made her way inside alongside her son where they both sat at the table. Both talked for hours catching up from all the lost years. Drinking scotch and showing off the place. How his father fixed it up for them both. They sat there grieving and laughing happily.

“Ma?” Henry asked to break the silence.

Ella took her drink then placed it down looking at Henry. “Yes, darling?”

“I… I have a letter from dad twenty years ago…”

Henry broke down crying. Whether it was from the scotch or a genuine feeling, it will always be a mystery, but one thing is straight, Henry came here for a purpose.

“Ma… I want to move in dad’s footsteps. I want to make him proud. I’m becoming a fisherman on these very same waves. I… I have a letter and I applied, and I got in. I start in a few days, I have everything already set up, I…”

Ella looked deep into Henry’s eyes and raised her glass then said.

“Say no more my son… just remember…” she then slowly leaned over to tap Henry’s glass before saying. “l’amour pour la vie depuis longtemps. love for life for a long time, darling.”

Clank.

FIN