A New Path

We drove up the snowy, winding road towards the cozy A-frame cabin. I’ve been dancing between multiple realities for some time now. Potential places, potential partners, potential jobs. The beautiful thing about nothing being decided, is the wide, open door to infinite possibilities. There was a time that I used to cling to having to know everything, what the future holds, but this was an unexciting life that I lived, a depressing one that always lead to disappointment, because as long as I am alive, I cannot know what will happen, unless I live a complete lie. We passed snow topped pine trees, fallen pine cones along the way. Nature has a way of awakening all of my senses, I find it orgasmic really, nature, as it is, so simple, so miraculous. The closer we got to the cabin, the stronger the urge became to hold his hand, to lean into him from the other side of the car, but I resisted. I didn’t know what his reaction would be, after all, we have been just friends, I mean, we just recently met, and I’m practicing not moving so fast with others.

My therapist reminds me often, hopeless romantic that I am, with a heart as open as mine, it is important to get to know people first, and with the sensuality I carry within this container of my being, it is important to make sure people will respect me before showing them just how ecstatic physical intimacy can be, with me. I am learning to protect myself, respect myself, to love myself, because that is the only way others will too, as cliché as it sounds, I find it to be very true. He invited me to join him on a trip he was already planning on taking. We’re both from Northern California, living in Hawaii, but I’m moving from the island to pursue a career in, you probably could have guessed, Marriage and Family Therapy. I love, love.

I stopped making plans with men I fall for, long ago. It took a couple of times of giving my whole self away to people who had no idea what they wanted, including, whether or not they wanted me. Since officially learning this lesson, I’ve belonged to no one, made plans with no one, kept my imagination in check, to swallow reality. This has put me in a foreign state. I am a woman, in love with the world. Life is my teacher, everyone has something to teach, and the less I’ve attached myself to one man, the more attracted I feel to many, the more attractive I feel, to many, which is precisely why I need to take it slow. It is not possible to be in relationship with the entire world. Is it?

We pulled into the snow surrounded drive way. We looked into one another’s eyes and smiled. He is like the sun that kisses your face to wake you up, when you’re stuck inside your head, cycling through to-do lists. His energy is one that says, “With me, you are safe”. So many times, I’ve wanted to melt into him, but not the way I’m used to. See, I’m used to toxic merging, uncontrollable passion, bursting into flames and then just as quickly dying down until there is nothing left but cold, dark, ashes. Not with him. Our connection is sustainable, it moves slow, we move slow. What does it all mean? Are we just friends? Is he attracted to me? What will we do, when he goes back to Hawaii? I am not going back. This is all terrible timing. All of these thoughts swirl through my head, but I breathe, decide to just let things be. That’s when it happened, that’s when he pulled me close, and kissed me.