A Moment's Contemplation

Diana sat silently in the waiting room, staring blankly at the wall in front of her. Various painted sea creatures decorated the wall, the large cartoon eyes seemed to see into her soul, judging her every mistake as their wide smiles mocked her for making them. She knew looking away wouldn’t help the feeling, she’d still feel their eyes burning into her, just like every other time she’d been here. The scent of disinfectant and sickness hung in the air, a scent she knew well, it always made bile rise to the back of her throat.

Not too far away two children sat at a small table, crayons scattered around them as they scribbled away at their papers. One of the kids, a girl who couldn’t have been more than seven, stopped drawing to survey her work. Seemingly pleased with the picture’s outcome, laid down the dark blue crayon she had been using and turned to the older girl. She turned the paper to the other girl, a large and slightly messy blue flower stood proudly on the plain of white with a small signature of Katie written crookedly next to it. “Good job.” Was all the older girl uttered before returning to her own project. That small amount of praise seemed to be enough for Katie, a large smile breaking out on her tan face, tiny dimples appearing on both cheeks.

For a moment, Diana wondered if she’d ever get to see Leah smile like that again. Her eyes burned at the thought, tears attempting to force their way out as she closed her eyes. How many times has it been now, two? Three? She thought back to the other times she had been here, the memories weighed down heavily on her, a dull ache accompanying them.

The first time had made her hope that some medicine would make Leah better again instantly, fix everything up like a magic potion in one of her fantasy books. The first time made her wish she was having a nightmare, soon she would wake up, greeted by Leah’s smile and a warm hug .But life wasn’t a book and she wasn’t dreaming, the thin bruise wound around Leah’s neck had been proof of that. Diana made sure to always hide power cords after that, regardless of Leah’s empty promises to never do it again. The image of purple splotching bruises around Leah’s pale neck haunted her both while waking and asleep. Nightmares of Leah’s lifeless hanging body were enough to convince her to keep a closer eye on her.

The second time it happened reminded Diana she could not always be vigilant, she had to sleep sometime. She recalled waking to the sound of retching, the horrid sound echoing off the walls of the bathroom. She had never gotten up so fast in her life, the blankets tangled around her threatened to trip her. It was a threat she could care less about. She couldn’t remember the trip there, only the wild pounding of her heart and the cold wood beneath her feet. The smell had been awful, but the sight was worse. Leah laid limply on the tile floor, her pale skin now deathly white, colored by the vomit smeared against it. Her long brown hair tangled and matted, spread around her head like a halo. Laying next her, having rolled up against the wooden cabinet was an empty prescription bottle. Diana couldn’t even look in the direction of the upstairs bathroom anymore, instead making the journey to the downstairs bathroom instead. She began locking up the pills and gave Leah her doses at 9:30 every night, ignoring her hollow words of never again, and how it was an accident. Diana hoped she could save Leah. She knew she couldn’t.

The third time Diana had just gone out for the mail. Sitting in the waiting room now, she wished she hadn’t. The first thing that clued her in when she got back was the silence. No TV, no music, no nothing, only her soft breaths and hammering heart. It was mere luck she found Leah in the first place she looked, she shuddered to think what would’ve happened if she had been any later. She found Leah in what had been their parents room. She laid feebly on the carpeted floor, dark brown eyes unfocused and staring at some far off point, somewhere not even Diana could see. Her skin was snow white, but her arms- Diana trembled thinking about it, her stomach turned and threatened to empty itself. She couldn’t though, she couldn’t stop thinking about it, not from the first moment it had burned itself on her retinas.

Red bloomed on Leah’s arms like roses, red roses flowering on fresh snow. Diana thought about running to the bathroom as her stomach turned more violently at the memory but stopped herself. Waiting for the nurse that would bring her to Leah was more important. Diana turned her attention back to Katie, a wide smile still on her face as she worked on another picture. The answer to her previous pondering cut viciously through her foggy mind.

No.