A man that once was

It’s been years since I’ve seen him. A man that once was and still ingrains his presence in my heart. I long too see him. But, he is no where near me anymore. At least that’s what it feels like. As I stand in his garage its full of dust and particle flying through the air and all that was his. His sanctionary was empty.

“Dad, what are those bumps on your neck? “ I asked as I woke up at the crack of dawn to see the man that was my father looking in the cabinets for medicine. He didn’t reply as he hurriedly tried to find some medicine. “Dad?” Are you ok?” He glanced at me and said he was fine. As I stared at the bumps on his neck I felt it wasn’t normal. He took a bunch of ibuprofens and sat down in his regular chair.

I didn’t know what to make of it. I wasn’t one to push so I passively let it go for a bit as I walked to the restroom. Minutes later, I get a phone call from my mom who left us to go to the mountains. Her and my dad have been at it for years and finally she decided to let him go. He was a angry man the last five years and I didn’t blame her.

I remember the time he yelled out that he would kill her outside and once I opened the door and asked what he said. He looked at me with strange regret and said it’s ok go inside. As if, he was another man. Another man I once knew as a child, a man that tickled me and loved me for the quiet girl I was. That was the man I missed. His heart full of gold and his laugh filled the room.

Suddenly my phone starts to buzz and it’s my mom. She ask me if everything was okay and I wasn’t sure whether or not I should mention the bumps on my fathers neck. She asked me again and I decided to tell her. She seemed shocked and flabbergasted. Silence fell for a short minute and she said she was coming.

I walked to the living room and told my dad. He was angry with me and I said I don’t think it’s normal to have those big bumps you should look in the mirror, dad. He didn’t of course, he sat on the chair and said he had to go to work. A second passed and my mom calls him. Again with anger he tells her that he was fine. I didn’t know what to make of the man that was so angry finding every way to blame his anger on a woman who loved him the best she knew how. It hurt me to see.

I don’t remember how he got to the doctors. But all four of us kids got a call from my mom and the next thing I knew she was crying strongly. I knew something was wrong and she told us he had leukemia. I didn’t know how to react. I wasn’t sad but I wasn’t happy. I felt like it was a shocked and relieved moment. I can’t say why I felt relieved, maybe because there was a part of me that felt he needed to be checked for all the wrong he did. But who am I? I’m not god.

When I went to the hospital to finally see him. I didn’t expect him to look so skinny and I began to cry with him. It was like he changed into the man I knew him to be as a child. We hugged for awhile. I felt bad for him, for once I wasn’t angry at him.

It was only six months that passed all the hurt and all the pain he want through from the cancer. I asked myself is this really what he deserved? God are you real? Is this really what happens to people. He started to become kind again. He let it all happen to him as if he knew he deserved it some how. He loved my mom again. Which was the best part of it all. It’s not that he stopped loving her, but the way he sat next to her and told her everything good that was happening to him that made me believe that it was all a good thing.

Until, it was time for him to go. He came home hands in the air waving around yelling that he was home again. He could barely talk and he was such a shell of a man, physically. I couldn’t recognize him anymore. It upset me to a point where I became angry. The man that was once had come back to us, to me. Except it wasn’t in good condition. My anger with life got the best of me. So, I punched the door and all the feeling I ever felt came out. But the important part I’ve learned after he left us is that he became the man he once was. Even if it was a short while.

As I stand in his garage the room that was his favorite place to be for a long time. I realize the emptiness he must have felt from keeping his old life a secret. Everything that we knew about him when we were kids was true, his kind spirit and warm heart that made us feel safe wasn’t a lie. As time went on, a lot of the things he did while he was secretly sick without us knowing he was suffering. He was suffering from a lot of things and all we ever saw was the surface. The cold and empty garage made me feel devesated I didn’t see what I know now. That he was a loving man and he was loved.