A Kestrel Offers His Thoughts on the Vacation Rental

Well, I for one voted for the Roman castle. There's just something about being able to bob your head to tell the girls modestly and sweetly that, “Oh, as a matter of fact, I do happen to live in the castle.” What's with the rut? Who said we have to fly back to the exact same place every year?

The castle is just plain classy. It's high on the hill. You can see it from all over town lording it over everybody. I don't know why we don't deserve a piece of that. At the very least, we could take the real estate broker's tour.

A fly-by is all I'm asking. Everybody's always so sure the Peregrines got there first, and, even if they didn't, they'd push us out anyway. It's that can't-do fatalistic attitude that makes me crazy. Sure, we're smaller in size, but do we have to be smaller in spirit?

If I'm out-voted, I'm out-voted. Peachy. So I'm the only one who voted castle. The rest of you were just chomping at the bit to come storming back to the old bullfighting arena. You must really enjoy chowing down on those special beetles that come running to feast on all that bull, erm, feces.

You don't have to keep arguing. I'm here, aren't I? Anyway, I've already heard all the arguments. They posted a sign about us. The tourists come. There's talk about some guy from National Geographic coming out to make a movie. The paint's newer on the arena than it is on the castle. It looks better on Instagram. We're going to be famous. Yadda yadda.

If we're so famous, how come that other guy said we had a 98% chance of being extinct in 200 years? Riddle me that, genius.

I see the neighbors are still breeding pigeons. Great powers of observation, señor. I salute you. We come back here every freakin' year, and every freakin' year you continue to fail to notice we don't eat pigeons.

How thoughtful of you to let them out for a flight just as we're coming in for the season. If you want to make us smile, why don't you try raising some nice juicy locusts for a change?

Oh, lookee here. Three trailers pulling in off the highway. So the bulls are back. Don't mind saying I had a bad moment when we first flew in to find all the locked doors. You know, one fine day we're going to come back and find out they've made bullfighting illegal. Those special bull dung beetles you guys like so much are going to be permanently Off The Menu. Then what?

For that matter, it's pretty quiet today. Not sure what you do with only three bulls. Practice maybe. I can tell you right now, there's no show tonight. The ticket box would already be open.

Can you believe the nerve of these pigeons? You see that? That one couple waltzed right over to claim one of our most primo perches. Like we're the freakin' show. Man, I tell you what. If I was a Peregrine, it would be pigeon stew all week around this place.

Creepy, the two of them just sitting there. Once we start flying, you just know they're going to start in with the billing and cooing.

Same exact thing last year. They think we're their live sex show or something? This is our colony courtship flight! What happened to respect?

Fine for you to say it doesn't hurt anything if they want to watch. Some of us are sensitive. You know? A couple of pigeons humping away while watching me chase my lady... it really sours the whole mood.

Oh, brother. I don't know why I ever expect anything different. Good old Dario and Belen are already doing that mid-air triple-somersault flying cartwheel thing. Some folks are born exhibitionists. It's all “look at us” all the time.

And now I suppose the rest of us will be expected to copy their fancy moves. Terrific. Nothing warms me up like unrealistic social expectations. You try doing a flying upside-down triple cartwheel while a couple of horny pigeons snicker in the peanut gallery.

And would you look at that? Did I call it or did I call it? Those two creeps are already humping. One pigeon standing on the other pigeon. So freakin' tasteful.

I do not have performance anxiety. Who said that?

All I'm saying: There's a lot of things that could be done differently around here. Clearing out the pigeons is just the start. We need to think a lot more seriously about the castle for next year. We don't have to keep coming back to the same ole same ole. The operators are making bank, and they need to give us an incentive.

You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking it's high time we demanded a cut of the gate receipts. And this bad boy ain't taking his pay in dung beetles.

Photo Note

I, the author, created the feature image from two photographs I took at the Trujillo, Spain bullfighting arena, the site of a small breeding colony of Lesser Kestrels. The featured bird is a male Lesser Kestrel.

Here's a second image I created from my original "seed" snapshots to show you more of the inspiration behind the story:

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