A Husband’s Promise and a Wife’s Wish

The pain in Eva’s hip became unbearable as the goldfinch’s sweet song filled the bedroom. Unable to sleep another wink, she stumbled out of bed, passing her snoring husband on their red silk sheets. When the couple bought sheets, they never imagined how many nosebleeds would be camouflaged by crimson. Seventy-eight years of light footedness never failed her, and she made it to the bathroom without disturbing Theo.

She silently thanked the house’s architects for designing an essentially soundproof bathroom because she knew this morning, she would not be able to contain her whimpers. She wept for her husband, for the man who proposed-quite awkwardly- when they were twenty-five. She traced the rose gold band shaped into a tree branch and thought of a soft breezes and silk spider webs underneath the gentle protection of weeping willows.

Eva lamented because she wasn’t sure how long she would have with the memory of their engagement. If she thought long enough, she could conjure up amber and geranium cologne that emanated from his neck the day he proposed. When she closed her eyes, she pictured the cross on his dark green turtleneck, oversized leather jacket in tow. Eva focused a little harder and remembered the shine of jojoba oil in his afro, adorned with a pick she gifted him when he returned from war.

They met in San Francisco as young adults and took interest in each other quickly. He bused down from Detroit to join his fellow revolutionaries and she was attending protests while trying to become a dancer. She was free-spirited but determined and he was passionate. Their soul’s flames complimented each other well. They became fierce friends quickly, despite his friend’s objections. They’d jest and warn, “stop slumming it with that cracker, didn’t your mamma teach you better.” But they kept seeing each other. They spent most of their time talking and walking around the city. They talked about everything. The future, past lovers, war, the space race, segregation, their dreams, and just about anything else they could think of.

When he got down on one knee all she said was, “took you long enough.” Now she would give anything for a little while longer with Theo. Her doctors estimated she couldn’t have more than six months left, but Eva thought fewer. Each day was getting harder, and she was tired. No, exhausted. She loathed the sadness in Theo’s eyes, hated that her failing body was the cause. He was forced to watch her deteriorate and she resented the tumors that took up residence in her skull.

This was her routine every morning. Wake up hours before her husband from pain, collect her emotions in her chair, soak her aching body in the tub, and then build up courage to make breakfast.

Unwilling to hold onto the morning sadness, Eva smiled when she arrived in the kitchen. It reminded her of a greenhouse. When one of many doctors told her plants would help boost morale, that was all she needed to go against Theo’s lifelong aversion to plants.

“Oh darling, a fiddle leaf fig will hardly kill you,” Eva retorted at Theo’s frown while she was watering the plant. When Theo’s moans simmered down, she would add another plant. She couldn’t help but chuckle and smile every morning when she made her anti-inflammation tea in a sea of green. The doctor was right, plants did boost her morale.

Eva let the warm spring light soak into her creased skin. She traced the rim of her yellow teacup with her finger as she watched the steam catch the rays. The lighting in the kitchen reminded her of the day after Theo returned from the war.

“Eva, I need to talk to you about something important,” Theo said with his voice raised as if the words had been simmering for ten months in the rice paddies of Vietnam. Worrisome thoughts raced through her head and she prayed for strength to embrace his revelation with kindness.

“Do you remember my hometown sweetheart, Jane? We’ve talked about her before,” he said as he looked down at his calloused hands. She nodded again but this time with a growing lump of anxiety in her throat.

“Well, I had a lot of time to think when I was in Nam. Really that was all there was to do. And I got to thinking about you, God bless you,” he grabbed her hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed every knuckle with an adoration that slowed her heart rate. “But I also got to thinking about Jane. And I…well I think she was my soul mate. I really do. I think when God cut our souls, he cut us from the same cloth.”

“But when I thought about who I wanted to come home to, it was always you. It felt like there was this gravitational pull from Vietnam all the way back to San Francisco that led straight to you,” he sharply inhaled and continued. “I was so confused, I still am.”

“Theo-”

“E, please let me finish before you say anything. I’m afraid if I don’t, the words will be trapped in me forever,” a sob escaped his cracked lips. She put her hand on his knee and gave him time to compose himself.

“I, I think you’re my life partner. It doesn’t make sense, I feel like I’m disobeying the cosmic path set out before me, but you just feel right and no matter how long I think, I want to live my life with you.” The sweet words he said did not match the pained look on Theo’s face. Eva braced for the words he had not yet uttered.

“The unfortunate reality is I still love Jane; I think I always will. My love for her and for you is unconditional. I needed to tell you all this because,” Theo paused. “Because there may always be a part of me that knows I could have lived another life. Even if that part of me is diminutive, I’m afraid it will always be there. I’m certain of my choice, I want you. I want a life with you, but I needed you to know.” They sat in silence for so long the silence started to bounce off the walls, hitting each of them in their chest.

“It seems kind of silly to give up on your soulmate,” Eva whispered.

“Perhaps. But I still choose you, I don’t know why but I do. Every time.” Eva’s hands ran over her red skirt. She was uncertain on how to respond to Theo.

“I’m going to go for a walk. I’ll be back in a half-hour. You gave me a lot to think about and you know me, I always think best when I’m by myself.” Theo nodded slowly; the type of nod laced with torment. Eva was unable to leave him completely helpless, so she added, “I love you,” before grabbing her yellow rain jacket.

The San Francisco wind calmed her nerves like it always did and she allowed herself to cry. She wondered if he felt like he abandoned Jane and when Eva decided he must, her hands shook with empathy. She knew there would always be doubt in her head no matter how wonderful their life was together. Her tears evolved into sobs when she realized she would never be able to hold Theo to his choice because she loved him. If he ever came to her down the line and told her he wanted to find Jane, she would kiss him on the cheek and wish them happiness. She was not one to fool with the cosmos and it angered her to be so selfless.

When she composed herself and wept out all the sorrow, she decided to return to Theo. When she opened her apartment door, she found him pacing up and down the hallway. She didn’t approach him but instead leaned up against the wooden door.

“I think your choice is a bit foolish and I don’t know if I understand it. But then again, you’re not sure on the details either. So…so, I think I will be happy loving you in confusion… if you’ll let me.” Eva gave Theo a subtle smile and he exhaled so deeply she wondered if he breathed since she left. His broad shoulders and muscular arms enveloped her petite form. They stayed embraced in each other’s warmth until their breathing synced.

“I promise I’ll love you in every way you deserve and more. I promise you a life of love. I’m so sorry and just thank you, Eva. Thank you.”

Sitting in her kitchen, Eva was grateful she lived a life largely without doubt. Theo made it easy and in return, she loved him with an intensity that scared people. They shared everything with each other, there were no secrets. Even after decades together they still found time for romance and lust. She could remember every instance they didn’t cuddle at night for there were so few to account for. Their lives had been rich beyond measure.

The Sunday paper hit her door and jolted her from her trance just to bring her into another memory. Her days were full of overloaded memories, cherishing moments she previously dismissed.

“Love, have you seen the paper?” Theo exclaimed. When Eva shook her head, Theo’s face lit up. He was clearly excited to deliver the news. “Here love, look. The Loving case we’ve been following, they ruled today. Unanimous! It’s all right here!” Theo excitedly pointed at the paper urging her to read. She quickly skimmed the article and tears rolled down her cheek only to be caught on her smile. It wasn’t much to overturn a barbaric law, but it was something.

“Oh Theo,” was all she managed. She stood up and kissed her husband of two years. Their lips desperately clung to each other’s as tears cascaded down their cheeks. His fingers massaged the scalp of her curly auburn hair and her fingers traced his shoulder blades. They would still be harassed by police and baited by hateful white men in the street. The ruling wouldn’t change the estrangement from her parents who refused to be associated with a daughter who married a Black man. But regardless they celebrated the symbolic victory.

“Theo? Let’s open that bottle of champagne we saved for our anniversary. What do you think?” He nodded and popped open a bottle. They celebrated for the Lovings, for themselves, and for the many couples around the world who chose love despite hate. And they mourned for their predecessors who loved in secret or not at all. They danced and cried and danced some more. They slept naked in each other’s arms on their kitchen floor with love bites on their torsos and champagne bubbles still floating around their empty stomachs.

Pain behind Eva’s green eyes brought her back to the present. Her spotted hand massaged her temple as she forced the tea down her dry throat. Since she stopped going in for her chemo treatments, she had more good days than bad but today her taste buds refused to identify the licorice root and mulberry leaves. Eva used her imagination to conjure up the flavor. The creativity that made her an excellent choreographer helped her manage her pain. The tea shipped in from China cost too much to be wasted on a woman with unreliable taste buds.

Without her realizing Theo snuck up behind her. He kissed her hand and started massaging her temples for her. “Good morning dear. How long have you been up?”

“Oh, you know, the usual. About 5 hours. Beautiful day though, I think we should go sit outside.”

Theo helped her up and they walked slowly through their French doors, exiting the kitchen to their patio. They sat together in silence for hours. Even in their old age, Eva found Theo handsome. His sandy pink lips always looked like they were two seconds away from a smile. Theo’s hands were still her favorite part of his body. They were big but not huge. Soft and calloused. She loved the contradictions and she loved how his hands had touched every part of her body. No part of themselves was foreign to the other.

Their brown bistro table was the perfect size for the two of them. Big enough for a tea set and a book but small enough they could hold hands if they wanted. Like teenagers, they would subtly and secretly look at one another with devotion-filled eyes. A few times they snuck a look at the same time and their bodies shook with laughter. She reached for Theo’s hand and watched the San Franciscan sunset-drenched clouds pass over their beautiful home.

***

The next morning, she woke up in her usual pain and carried on her normal routine. While she was down in the kitchen brewing her tea, Lucille’s name lit up her cell phone. When she answered, her daughter sounded like she was on the verge of tears. “Mom, he won’t latch. What do I do? Marcus keeps crying. He’s obviously hungry but he isn’t latching properly.”

Eva soothed her daughter and gave her all the tips Theo’s mother gave her when she was a first-time mother. She made sure to reassure Lucille that nothing was wrong with her or Marcus, that it was natural to struggle. When she was certain Lucille calmed down and when she stopped hearing Marcus’s wails, she drifted into another memory.

She held their first-born son in her arms as he nursed on her sore and cracked nipples. Eva felt wearier than she looked. Her long hair was tied up in a knot on top of her head and she could feel the weight of the bags under her eyes. Her socks were mismatched, and milk stains decorated her shirt. She rocked back and forth in their wooden rocking chair not for James but for herself.

Her exhaustion opened the door to insecurity. Suddenly, her mind was spiraling towards a black hole of doubt. A deep blue liquid started surrounding her. Her body became cold and heavy. Unable to tread in the endless abyss, Eva allowed herself to sink into the water. Into despair.

“My love, what’s wrong? Baby what happened?” an echo infiltrated the liquid and she was brought back into consciousness. Eva was hyperventilating with tears streaming down her face and soaking James’s onesie.

“My love, let me grab James.” Theo gently unlatched their son’s mouth and brought him to his chest. “Breathe love, focus on your breathing. I’m right here. We’re both right here.”

Eva tried to do as Theo asked, she tried to breathe. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him or their newborn son. She knew if she looked at James’s pouty lips and dark curly hair it would calm her down, but she wanted to remain in the irrational. Staring down at her hands she asked her husband, “Do you wish it was Jane in this rocking chair instead of me? Do you wish you went back to Detroit after the war instead of San Francisco?”

The silence that followed was deafening. With each second that passed, she slipped further down into her black hole. It was Theo’s hand that stabilized her.

“Eva. I do not regret the life we have built together. Nor do I wish I chose differently. You are my life partner whether you like it or not. I love you unconditionally. Always. You belong in our rickety rocking chair with our beautiful son.”

Eva’s body relaxed and she sobbed uncontrollably from relief. Theo kissed her forehead and went to put James to sleep. When he returned, Eva was passed out in the rocking chair. Theo carried Eva to their bathroom and started undressing her. The steam filled the small room by the time he softly nudged her into the tub. Half asleep, Eva rested her head on her husband’s chest. Theo shampooed her long hair and then braided it while the hot water poured over her aching muscles. Then he started massaging the bar of soap into her body. He ran his fingers over her sore breasts and cleaned the blood from her thighs. When he was certain she felt refreshed and relaxed, he turned off the water and dried her off.

Eva sunk into their soft mattress with Theo holding her from behind. Their naked bodies intertwined at every juncture. She went to bed feeling more comfortable than she had since her second trimester. “Thank you, Theo. I love you,” she murmured before she passed out.

Eva was brought back to the kitchen with the loud ring of her phone. It was Lucille again. told her mother that the advice worked, and she would be taking a nap. They both exchanged I love yous and took naps their respective households

Eva woke up from her nap around 5 without a migraine for the first time in months and felt certain that she would not wake up in the morning. As the evening progressed, all the pain in her body slowly subsided. It was her body’s final gift to her, a night with the love of her life free of pain. She picked up her phone to call her youngest daughter. Andromeda and Theo always had a special bond. Eva prayed for the voicemail as she brought the phone up to her ear. The cosmos granted her wish and a sigh of relief flooded Eva’s body. She took a second to soothe herself before she softly spoke into her phone.

“Hi baby, it’s mom. I think I may have run my course; I have a sneaking feeling I won’t make it till the morning. Don’t cry, it’s okay. I’m okay and I’m happy. But I have one last favor to ask of you. I don’t want daddy to be alone when he wakes up tomorrow. I was hoping you could take the day off and be over here for breakfast, he rarely wakes up before 9. And if I’m right, maybe you could arrange for your siblings to come over in the afternoon, so you and daddy have company. I know I’m asking a lot of you, but you’ve always been daddy’s favorite and I cannot stand to think of him alone if he wakes up and I’m not downstairs in the kitchen with my tea.”

I love you so much Dromeda. You have brought me immeasurable joy and I’m so proud of the woman you have become. The tissues are in the pantry. There’s a note for daddy in the sitting room, please make sure he gets it. Goodbye sweetheart.”

Eva spent her last night with Theo feeling twenty years younger. She cooked for the first time in months. Their favorite, buffalo chicken zucchini boats. They played chess together. Eva couldn’t help but taunt him for losing to someone with brain tumors. Naturally, Theo won the game after her jest. They slow danced to Ella Fitzgerald in their matching velvet robes.

They went to bed in each other’s arms. Eva couldn’t bring herself to say goodbye to the person she spent the last 58 years with. The man she loved since she was 20. The husband who filled her life with laughs and love and light. So instead she whispered, “You have loved me in every way I deserve and more. You have given me a life of love Theo Davis. My heart will always be yours, in this life and the next.”

Eva drifted off peacefully to the beat of Theo’s heart.

***

The next morning, Dromeda acceded to her mother’s last wish and was at her parent’s house before the sun came up. She brought hazelnut coffee and blueberry muffins, Theo’s favorite. When 7 rolled around and her mother was not yet downstairs brewing her anti-inflammation tea, she knew her mother’s intuition was right. Dromeda grabbed her mother’s favorite quilt from the sitting room and sobbed on the cold kitchen floor.

When Theo finally came downstairs to his daughter’s bloodshot green eyes looking up at him, all he could do was nod. He sunk to the floor and they held each other surrounded by Eva’s warm vanilla scent.

The rest of the day went how Eva planned. Dromeda and Theo mourned together amid half-eaten muffins. Their tears were punctured by their shared humor. Theo laughed when he realized how clever his wife was to plan for the morning after her death. Dromeda joked Theo could finally get rid of the spider-ridden kitchen plants.

Around dinner time, a delivery man knocked at the door carrying an outrageous quantity of Korean barbeque for the growing number of mourners who stopped by throughout the day. When no one confessed to ordering the food, tears returned upon realizing it must have been Eva. Theo, in his grief, was surrounded by love. The love Eva and Theo created together.

All the children and grandchildren decided to spend the night. No one had the energy to trek back home and they couldn’t quite bring themselves to leave Theo alone. Before Dromeda went to bed, she found her mother’s letter in the sitting room. Her fingers traced Eva’s perfect penmanship as she walked outside to Theo. She handed him the letter and left him to read his wife’s final message under the stars and twinkly lights.

5/20/2017

Theo, my darling. My sun. My rain. And my wind.

A million thank yous would not give our life together justice. You have made every high in my life higher and every low less lonely. I’m sorry to be leaving you early, I wish I could stay with you. But alas, my days are numbered until I exit our mortal coil.

On my bookshelf, you’ll find several journals I kept over the years. They are all dedicated to you. On the many occasions I have struggled with words, I have taken to writing instead. Precious moments of our life together are documented through my eyes in those journals. Memories stored and preserved. Angry rants etched onto pages in red. Love letters to you. I hope they bring you solace after I’m gone. Please give them to our children when your time is up. They deserve to witness our love through adult eyes. And what a love it has been my darling. You have been my partner, my husband, and my best friend. You have been my everything. Thank you for choosing me and plucking me out of a world of indifference.

Which brings me to my wish. My darling, I think you have another lifetime of love to give. I know we are old, but your youthfulness has remained ever so present and it would be a waste to use it all on mourning. Now don’t get me wrong, I certainly demand a solid six months of mourning. Otherwise, I’ll find a way to haunt you and not the good kind of haunting either. But after you shed your black clothes, I want to you find love. More specifically, I want you to find Jane. You deserve a chance with your soulmate, and I know you won’t try without my permission. So, darling, you have my permission, and more than that you have my encouragement.

I love you so much and I hope you spend the rest of your days surrounded by love. There is no one who deserves it more than you. Thank you for everything and more.

Yours always,

Eva

P.S. Jane’s address is 459 Sycamore Drive, Seattle, Washington, 98108