A Forest Alive

Upon a glance, the forest speaks a thousand tongues. One snap of a twig, and a deer’s head shoots up, alert. The squirrels gossip within the hollow trees, while the birds race through the leaves. A forest’s language is foreign to most; only the true believers can understand the murmurings of the soil. And in understanding, one can sense the changes. The forest grows dark with rage upon the sight of decay, and the power it unleashes is powerful. Perhaps, a feeling becomes stronger, because it is being taken away so suddenly. I’m an expert on this, because I am going to die soon. I know it, the forest knows it. It feels like abandoning a good friend, and I feel the helplessness of my situation. But I believe the forest will go on, despite the loss of a believer. If only more people were able to see the beauty and loss of the forest...then there wouldn’t be so much regret for leaving.

“Cathy?”

My eyes peel open, landing on my best friend, Jonathan. I smile tiredly, my breath catching in my throat. I ignore the butterflies in my chest, instead drawing my attention to the chemistry textbook on the bedside table. I pinch the cover, huffing out a chuckle.

“Ah, I see. Visit to the hospital is code for our last tutoring session. Smooth, Mr. Lyle.”

I watch as Jon attempts a smile, for my sake. But his eyes are watering, and his hands are clenched into fists. My eyes catch on a wildflower peeking out, and a warm feeling overtakes me.

“Is that-?”

“Yeah. Yeah, uh, it’s one of those wildflowers lining the forest. I know how much you love them, so….”

He trails off, clearing his throat. My eyes soften at the simple beauty in front of me, smiling faintly.

“That’s really sweet of you, Jon. Seriously…..thank you.”

“Please stop.”

“What?”

Jonathan grimaces, his eyes flashing in an unpleasant motion. I wait it out, letting him feel what he needs to feel.

“You keep smiling, even when you’re in pain. You don’t need to pretend for my sake, or anyone’s, for that matter. It’s painful to see you smile.”

I blink taking in his words. So maybe I’ve been known to put on a show when things get too real. Doesn’t everyone? The only place I’ve felt the most real in is the forest….and in Jonathan’s laughter as he teases me about an animal’s Latin name. I lean forward slightly, tilting my head to catch Jonathan’s eyes.

“Would you rather see me in pain, screaming and crying until the darkness takes me?”

“What? No, fuck, of course not-”

“Then smiling is what you’ll get. I don’t pretend to be happy when I’m around you, Jon. I may be around others, but never with you. That’s how I want to go, smiling and with you.”

Jonathan presses his lips into a thin line, looking away. I swallow, my insides twisting in unpleasant ways.

“Don’t say things like that, Cathy.”

“I don’t want to lie to myself, or to you. I just-”

“Please. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

I exhale gustily, turning to face the front of the bed. Foreign medical words are scrawled on stark whiteboard, while the news on TV drones on in a dull hum. I glance at Jonathan, who is avoiding my gaze like the plague.

“Jon. Please don’t avoid me.”

“I’m not.”

“You won’t even look at me.”

“Fine, then I can’t.”

“Why can’t you-?”

“I-I just can’t, alright?!”

My breath catches at the sight of tears on Jonathan’s face. I’ve known Jonathan all my life, and never have I seen him cry once. He didn’t even cry at the passing of his dog, Sparky. Or if he has, I’ve never seen it. I turn my body towards Jonathan, reaching my hands out.

“Jonathan, come here.”

“Cathy-”

“Take my hands.”

Jonathan looks at me, a myriad of emotions flashing across his face. Finally, he carefully takes my hands, treating them like glass. I look down at our hands, mustering all the courage I can spare, which at this point, appears in the form of newfound adrenaline.

“Jon, I have to tell you something.”

“What?”

“I know things have been hard these past few months, and I know you’ve always had a thing for Lily. I know I shouldn’t be jealous of what you two have, but….well, I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. I was stupid.”

“Cath, what is this about? You’re scaring me.”

“Just….don’t let this become a thing between you and Lily.”

“Cathy.”

I sniff, my hands beginning to tremble in his. Jonathan tightens his grip, scooting closer. I swallow, finding it hard to breathe. But I have to see this through, before it’s too late. I inhale, leveling my gaze on Jonathan.

“Jon, I love you. I’ve always loved you. You’re amazing at reading people, and knowing exactly what they need. You make everyone smile, you make me smile, and laugh the hardest I’ve ever laughed. You’re amazing, and you’re going to do so much good, I know it. I’m grateful that we’ve always been such good friends, but I just wanted you to know how I feel. How I’ve always felt.”

Jonathan stares at me, his mouth agape. I feel my heart thump in my chest, and my vision wobbles. I need him to respond, because the darkness is starting to creep in. The time draws near, terrifying and slow.

“Jon, please say something.”

Jonathan opens his mouth, then closes it. His eyes close, and he bows his head heavily.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why now?”

“I know, Jon, I know. I wanted to tell you sooner, but-”

My chest constricts, cutting my air short. I yank my hands away from Jonathan’s grasp, clawing at my chest frantically. I can hear him, but he sounds far away.

“Cathy, pl….nurse, ju…..!”

Fragments of noise and light stab me through the skull, the world one swirling mess. A flash rushes out of the room, and I realize it’s Jonathan. No, please, don’t leave me alone. I don’t want to go alone.

“J-Jon, I-”

Darkness hits like a flash of lightning. My name, I hear my name, wait-

I barely passed my chemistry exam. My heart wasn’t set on passing, but I forced myself to, for her. It’s been two weeks, and I can’t see the light in things anymore. That was Cathy’s specialty. Seeing the sun in everything and everyone. It was the most annoying and the most beautiful quality she possessed. Cathy loved me. God, my best friend loved me, and I realized too late. Why didn’t she tell me?

“Jon, I’m going to need you to focus.”

I twitch, my vision clearing slightly. I turn to look at Lily, who stares back at me. Her eyes ooze worry, like they have been for two weeks. I feel a twinge of guilt as I turn to face her, plastering on a smile.

“Shit, I’m sorry, I kinda zoned out.”

“I know, Jon. I think it’s best if we take a break.”

I stare, not fully comprehending. I’m not surprised, I knew this was coming. I’ve been out of commission as a son, a friend, and a boyfriend. I pick at the binding of my Econ textbook, nodding.

“Lily, I’m really sorry.”

“I know, I’m not mad. I understand. It’s Cathy, right? She finally told you?”

“She told me….wait, you knew??”

“She didn’t want to keep secrets from me. She didn’t want to get in the way of our relationship, so she told me to keep it under wraps. I’m sorry.”

I fall back into my chair, my stomach twisting in varying directions. Lily rubs a hand across her face, looking suddenly distraught.

“At the funeral, I could see how devastated you were. I just want to ease your pain, but I’m not the one you need. I realize now that you need Cathy.”

“Lily-”

“The letter. You have to do what it says.”

My hand automatically goes to hover over my jacket pocket. The weight of Cathy’s letter is tremendous, but I’ve been carrying it for two weeks, rereading it over and over. Taking in the curl of her penmanship.

“I-I don’t know if I can, Lily. It hurts.”

“Of course it hurts, Jon. Your friendship with Cathy was strong and real. The only thing stronger than your relationship was Cathy’s love for the forest. It was her safe haven, and now, she wants it to be yours. She loved you more than anything….and you loved her too, didn’t you?”

I blink, glancing at my pocket. The weight seems to lessen, if only a little. I look at Lily, who smiles tiredly.

“Go. It’s okay.”

“Lily, we’re….we’re still friends, right?”

“Of course, Jon, always. Now go, dumbass.”

I get up, gathering all my belongings in a jumbled mess. Before I sprint to the door, I kiss Lily’s cheek, looking into her eyes.

“Study more later?”

“Yeah. We both know you suck at Econ.”

I roll my eyes, heading for the door. I glance back at Lily once more, and she offers a small wave. I nod, feeling the mixture of nerves and adrenaline racing through my veins, as I sprint towards my last connection to Cathy. God, let this be enough.

The wildflowers lining the forest leave a sour taste in my mouth, but I swallow it down, focusing ahead. The trees cast long shadows across the ground, the breeze gently lifting the leaves toward the sky. I clutch Cathy’s letter in my fists, my breath catching painfully in my chest. The sun is starting to set, setting the forest ablaze. I squeeze my eyes shut, bringing my chin to my chest. Cathy once told me that once someone becomes one with the forest, the world tunes in to your every movement, every emotion. I plant my feet, letting the smell of pine needles and dirt enter my nostrils. Then I open my eyes, and take one step. A twig snaps, and an unfamiliar world greets me. I continue walking, the leaves crunching beneath my feet. The screeching of birds and creaking of trees overwhelm my ears, combining into some strange harmony. Cathy used to say the songs of the forest were incomprehensible to the average human ear. Part of me is starting to believe her. I can’t understand any of it; only Cathy knew the secret philosophies of the forest. I had laughed, but now, I wish I could take it back.

“Cathy? Are you here?”

The snap of a nearby branch is the only response, and I scoff. What am I doing? What the hell was I expecting, for Cathy to actually answer? I shake my head, my eyes stinging. My feet harden into lead, and I can’t move.

“Cathy, I….I’m sorry.”

The wind picks up, sending a chill through my bones. A sign, maybe? I dart my eyes back and forth, watching the leaves swirl. I clutch the letter closer to my chest, the words echoing through my brain. I look up at the darkening sky, the stars popping through the clouds. My knees give way, and I fall to the leaves below. My eyes remain glued to the sky, the edges of my vision going black. I will myself to stay awake, but nature will have its way; I succumb to the trees and animals.

“Jon. Come on, I know you’re awake.”

My eyes shoot open to stark whiteness. I recoil instantly, shutting my eyes against the brightness. A laugh snorts out, and my heart squeezes at the familiarity. I peel my eyes open, trying to discern anything from the vast blankness around me, but nothing stands out.

“Jonathan, turn around already. I can only ask the spirits for so much time to say a proper goodbye. Let’s not waste it.”

I sit up, taking in the words. They sound so foreign and earthy, and yet. I take steadying breaths, getting to my feet slowly; once I am standing upright, I turn to face the source of the voice. All thoughts of breathing vanish, as my eyes freeze on the figure before me.

“Cathy.”

“Hey there.”

Her voice trembles with emotion, and I feel myself gravitate towards her. Her blue eyes stare into mine, her auburn hair billowing around her face like a pillow. My mouth feels rough like sandpaper, but I force myself to form words.

“How is this possible?”

“Well, let’s just say I owe you.”

I shake my head vehemently, stepping closer to grip her shoulders; I almost cry in relief at the solid contact of our skin.

“You don’t owe me anything, Cath. I just….can’t believe you’re here.”

“Jon, I-I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have left without saying goodbye. I never wanted to hurt you, but I did. I know I did.”

“Cathy, no. I’m sorry…..I’m sorry I didn’t respect your wishes sooner. I’ve been so lost without you around, and I really miss you. Cath, I….I can’t do this without you.”

Cathy hums, a sad smile crossing her face. She slides my hands off her shoulders, taking them in hers. Her hands feel soft, almost translucent; I grip onto them, making sure they don’t fade away.

“Jonathan, you don’t need to move on right away. I won’t tell you to forget me, because well, I don’t want you to. Selfish, maybe, but the forest will let me indulge. But I do want you to live, to the best of your ability. Let yourself be you, not for me, but for you. And well, if you ever need tokens of wisdom, just….come to the forest. You can do it, Jon.”

I shake my head, lowering my head as tears fill my vision. Is this all she wanted? To say goodbye properly? Part of me wishes to hold on, to never say goodbye. But that would be wrong of me. I can’t hold her back anymore. I have to let her go, into the light that filters through the trees.

“Are you afraid?”

Cathy smiles faintly, her eyes twinkling like two stars in the abyss of the sky.

“A little. But life means nothing without fear.”

I choke on my breath, a breathless chuckle escaping my throat. Cathy’s philosophical nature never ceases to amaze me. She places her hand on my cheek, regarding me warmly.

“The forest can be your safe haven, if you allow it to be. I’m….I’m always going to be with you, Jon. And I’ll always love you.”

I place my hand on top of hers, but it sinks through; Cathy’s figure has become fully translucent.

“Cathy, I….I-”

“I know, you goof. I know.”

The blank abyss brightens to a painful glow, my hand shooting up to try to block it out. I squint, looking around frantically; Cathy had vanished without a trace.

“Wait, Cathy, I-”

The moon beams at me from above, my eyes blinking furiously. I stare at the towering trees, the soft hooting of an owl settling over me like a blanket. Was she real? Was it a trick of the mind, preying on my grief? I sigh, pulling myself to my feet. A breeze brushes past me, so soft and warm, it can only belong to one person. A faint smile crosses my face, tears blurring my vision.

“I’ll never forget you. I love you.”

I look down at my hands, noticing the lack of paper. Cursing, I drop to my knees, raking through leaves and twigs. The wind must have caught it when I blacked out. I look up, rotating my head around the whole area, until it pauses on a fungi-infested tree. The letter rests between two mushrooms, as if it was meant to be there. Maybe it is. The letter is Cathy’s soul, and it can finally be put to rest amongst the forest she so dearly loved. I smile, watching the letter rustle comfortably on the bark.

“Welcome home.”

I inhale deeply, gazing at the letter for as long as I can. Finally, I turn away from the tree forever protecting Cathy’s spirit. A tree that I will come back to, to bring my family to. The forest is finally at peace, and Cathy is safe.

Jon,

The forest actually listens. It may seem childish, but it’s the truth. I need your help, Jonathan. You’re my best friend, and so, I can entrust this with you. Please visit the forest as often as you can, even if it’s just for a minute or two. It was my safe haven, and now, it is yours. There’s no easy way to say this, but I’m dying. And if a true believer of the forest dies, a part of the forest dies as well. Try to believe, Jon, as best as you can. Everyone needs something to believe in, so please try. Thank you for everything, my friend, and don’t give up.

Sincerely,

Your dear friend Cathy

P.S. A little confession to make, but I think you and Lily are going to get married. You two make such a power couple, just saying (;<

The forest brightens and cheers with joy; the birds still race through the leaves, and the squirrels still gossip amongst each other. Except there is another being, whispering amongst the leaves upon the wind. A man listens intently, kneeling at the base of a tree; a worn piece of paper rests between two mushrooms, resilient to the forces of storms and predators. Wise words travel through the trees, which only a select few take seriously. Nevertheless, the forest thrives, despite cycles of greed and manipulation. One could even say, if one dares, that it is a forest that truly loved, and possibly, lived.

END