A Duel In The Aquarium

(Hey, Everyone! I wrote this on a live stream. This was done in under 2 hours! Check the video out for my live writing! It's also streamed for copyright purposes. But hey, you get to see how I write! - As before I had very little time to edit. So this is basically unedited.)

(I named the subtitle Submarine Shitake - I still don't get what you want with the term subtitle, so I gave a Submarine the title of Shitake, ergo: Sub-Title. Or maybe I should title it Big Sir-f. But if I do, it would not be a Sub-Title, as no sub has been titled the title for it to be a Sub-Title.)

;)

A Duel In The Aquarium

By Kevin Conner

© 2022 Kevin Conner

Word Count: 1884

A Duel In The Aquarium

Sir Weseley Macintosh the Sixteenth approached Sir Brigadier Wenslishire Cuppington the Sixteenth and a Half and Knightly Duke Rochester Duningham the Fifth of Cockney Castle the Second. Their bowlers were top notch, as a bowler should be for a gentleman of the Bowler Club, which they weren't, but if they were, their bowlers would've been considered fittingly top notch for a gentleman of the Bowler Club. This was a startling relief to Sir Weseley Macintosh the Sixteenth, as he would've felt aghast if someone from the Bowler Club would've spied a non-regulation bowler of substandard nature, despite the fact noone from the Bowler Club could care less about the life or dress of Sir Weseley Macintosh the Sixteenth.

The rest of the gentlemen's finery were nearly identical, beginning with the gold plated, yet starkly polished monocles, handlebar mustaches, finely fitted suits, custom one of a kind neck ties (all featuring the identical print of limited availability), white crisp collars, pocket watches, properly cupped trousers, ivory tusk sword canes, holsters for antique flintlocks, the antique flintlocks themselves, black hand-knitted Himalayan socks and Plush Corinthian Leather Shoes.

All of this finery was regulation, of course, fit for members of the 'Gold Plated, Yet Starkly Polished Monocles Club', 'The Handlebar Mustache Club', 'Finely Fitted Suits Club', 'Custom One Of A Kind Neck Tie Club', 'White Crisp Collars Club', 'Pocket Watch Club', 'Properly Cupped Trousers Club', 'Ivory Tusk Sword Cane Club', 'Antique Flintlock Club', 'Antique Flintlock Dueling Club', 'Black Hand-Knitted Himalayan Socks Club' and the 'Plush Corinthian Leather Shoes Club', which they weren't, but regulation is regulation after all, and regulations must be regularly observed with regulated authenticity.

“Sirs!” Sir Weseley Macintosh the Sixteenth called out to Sirs Cuppington and Duningham, while raising his cane high into the sky for a brief kiss of air.

“Sirs!”

“Sirs!”

“Sir, Sir.”

“Sir, Sir.”

“Sir, Sir.”

All three nodded to one another as the third of their trio approached their position beneath the large tank of “Nature's Kindest Animal, the Sea Cow – Manitee”, as was clearly stated on the plaque beneath the large aquarium window.

“How are you, Sir?” Knightly Duke Rochester Duningham the Fifth of Cockney Castle the Second greeted Sir Weseley Macintosh the Sixteenth's approach, as he should, being that he had higher rank and status as a Knight Duke over the rest.

“Mighty fine, Sir, and you, Sir?” Sir Weseley Macintosh the Sixteenth responded in kind, according to regulation.

“Mighty Fine, Sir!”

“And Sir, you, Sir?” Sir Weseley Macintosh the Sixteenth addressed Sir Brigadier Wenslishire Cuppington the Sixteenth and a Half, as regulation demanded.

“Sir, just fine, Sir!” Sir Brigadier Cuppington responded, “Sir here, sir, was telling me about this majestic kindhearted beast, Sir!”

“Ah, Sir, yes, Sir!” Sir Macintosh responded, “They say this 'Sea Cow' is 'Nature's Kindest Animal', by regulation is referred to professionally as a 'Manitee', Sir!”

“Hold, Sir!” Knightly Duke Duningham interjected, “How did you pronounce that, Sir?”

“Sir, Man-Ih-Tee, Sir!”

“Sir, it is pronounced, Man-Ah-Tee!”

“Sir,” Sir Weseley Macintosh the Sixteenth pleaded for understanding from the Knightly Duke, “I merely pronounce it the way it is inscribed upon this plaque, Sir!”

“By Jove, you're right, Sir!” for the first time that evening the Knightly Duke noticed the misspelling on the plaque, as well as something else, followed by a deep grunt, “Sirs!”

“Sir?”

“Sir?”

“Sirs, we have indeed a great issue upon us!” Knightly Duke Rochester Duningham the Fifth of Cockney Castle the Second raised his cane with a proclamation unto the heavens. “This, Sir,” he brought the cane down upon the brass plaque with a quick tap of its brass cap, “ – is not a properly numbered plaque! Nor does it bear the regulation sigil of the Plaque Makers Club! This gross misspelling will forever damage the young minds of our children, as they lay upon this faulty plaque the trust of young innocent eyes, without realizing it is not an officially regulated plaque from the Plaque Makers Club!”

The others quickly sucked in a gasp of astonishment, before communicating in their native tongue:

“Sirs!”

“Sirs!”

“Sirs!”

“Sir, Sir!”

“Sir, Sir!”

“Sir, Sir!”

– and finishing that exchange with a mighty series of “Harrumph!” in sharp, concussive blows which otherwise might suggest a touch of consumption had infected their lungs.

“Our duty is clear, Sirs!” the Knightly Duke puffed his chest, along with the others, as a mighty peacock would display his feathers, “We must quickly inform the Directors of this Establishment, then the Plaque Makers Club!”

“Aye, Sirs!” the other two responded in unison.

“First, Sir, before we embark upon this plan, as it being after 5 in the afternoon, a period of time in which they are surely closed, might you grace upon me a tidbit of your delightful conversation before my arrival!”

“Ah, Sir!” the Brigadier smiled and double tapped his cane upon the white marble flooring, “Sir, over here, Sir, proclaimed the beauty of Sir's sister, Sir, being you, Sir, as having the same countenance and grace of ' Nature's Kindest Animal, the Sea Cow – the Manatee', Sir!”

“Sirs! I take umbrage, Sirs!” Sir Macintosh raised his cane at the Knightly Duke's smirking form, “Specifically with you, Sir! I demand explanation at once, Sir!”

“Simply put, Sir,” the Knightly Duke smirked, as a cat who caught the canary, “I merely professed that this most beautiful of nature's creatures, if considered human, would have the homely appearance of Sir's sister, Sir!” With both the Brigadier and Knightly Duke chuckling at their juvenile joke at Macintosh's expense, the third man grew his chin up to the sky in defiance and offense.

“Sir! Sir!” he pointed his cane at both men, “Sirs know that while I tolerate jokes at my sister's expense, I shall not tolerate jokes made at the expense of 'Nature's Kindest Animal, the Sea Cow' aka the Manatee!”

“How so, Sir, did I make a mockery of such a beautiful creature!”

“Sir, you claim this creature, 'Nature's Kindest Animal', is merely homely when compared to human standards!” Sir Weseley Macintosh the Sixteenth jabbed his cane into the chest of the Knightly Duke, “How dare you, Sir, use such a beautiful creature in such a way, where they cannot defend themselves against your dishonorable slight against their natural beauty!”

“Sir,” the Knightly Duke barked back, “I did no such thing, 'twas a simple joke!”

“'Nature's Kindest Animal' should not be used in such jokes, Sir! Apologize at once to her!”

“Never, Sir, for I was not dishonorable, Sir!” the Knightly Duke pouted his lip forward, “And beauty requires also wit to laugh at meaningless jokes! You, however, are witless and fail to grasp even the slightest amusement of a harmless remark!”

“Sir!”

“Sir!”

“Sir!”

“Sir, Sir!”

“Sir, Sir!”

“Sir, Sir!”

“Sirs!”

“Sirs!”

“Sirs!”

As the men exchanged their compulsory exchanges, a woman of medium social cast, proudly displaying her suffragette sash, passed by the sirs with her entourage, “Sir, Sir, Sir!” she acknowledged all three.

“Ma'am!”

“Ma'am!”

“Ma'am!”

They responded in kind, as each one removed their bowler with a regulation bow.

“Sirs!” she finished, passing and took no more mind of the gruff men of status.

“What were we arguing about, Sirs?” all three asked, as they scratched their heads in thought.

“You blokes were arguing over the honor of a manatee, as if she could understand your English to begin with!” a young waif scoffed at the sharply dressed men, before rolling his eyes, and wandering off.

“Ah, yes, Sirs!” Sir Macintosh tapped his cane, “I demand an apology, Sirs, to be delivered to that delightful creature in the tank! For she, Sirs, is clearly showing the attitude of dejection and depression at your offensive observation!”

While Macintosh's intentions were good, he couldn't have been further from the truth, as while she relaxed in the calm, clean water of the aquarium tank, Bwa Bwa (the manatee), gazed upon the humans with a inquisitive mind. “Oh, I do so love the entertainment this establishment affords me!” she thought to herself, “It's always something new every day! This one looks like a drama, though, wholly uninteresting.”

“Oh, come off it, Sir!” the Brigadier barked in objection, “Not only was that young waif correct, that she cannot understand English, so no offense could be taken, but I've seen Sir's sister's birthday suit, Sir! She indeed maintains the countenance of a manatee, Sir!”

Sir Macintosh raised his flintlock pistol, cocked it, and shot the Brigadier straight through the head. With the thump of the body hitting the ground, Macintosh glared at the Knightly Duke, “Duel, Sir! Honor must be served, Sir! Three paces, Sir!”

“Aye, Sir!” both men raised their flintlocks to their shoulders, turned, walked three paces, turned, then as according to regulation, the aggrieved man fired first! A click of flint striking metal was, followed by a dreadful realization by Sir Macintosh that flintlocks only carry one shot. “Sir, it is both brave and foolish to participate in a duel with an unloaded weapon!” The Knightly Duke then fired his flintlock at Sir Macintosh, sending his body to the ground with a groan. Upon approaching the expiring life, he heard Sir Macintosh's final words.

“Sir, according to the Antique Flintlock Dueling Club's regulations: 'Knowingly firing on an unarmed foe is dishonorable'! Honor is mine!” his words escaped as the death rattle from his lungs.

“Oh, Buggar!” with that, the disgraced Knightly Duke reloaded, and shot himself. His body fell to the harsh marble, distracting everyone for only a brief moment, and allowing the young waif to return just to kick the Duke's head with disdain.

“Morons,” the child then took for the peanut stand.

“Shame,” the Janitor looked upon the mess, as two others brought out some Victorian era wet floor signs, 'Fresh Duel Scene, Please Watch Your Step'.

“Why so, Sir!” a sharply dressed man sporting four flintlocks, multiple pocket watches, a handlebar mustache, a fine bowler and suit responded.

“Well, Sir,” the Janitor pointed to the plaque, “Had they actually been as observant as they professed, they would've known that plaque there was merely a placeholder! The misspelling was caught and the proper plaque from the Plaque Maker's Club shall be here by 8 in the morning!” the Janitor took a deep breath, “To double that shame, if they knew anything about that beautiful beast up there, they would know she's merely bored! She came on loan from a French fisherman, and prefers mimes.”

“Ah, Sir!” the gruff looking man nodded in affirmation, “I shall triple that shame, as had they been members of the 'Antique Flintlock Dueling Club', they would know, regulation dictates we only duel with blanks in corked guns!” he emphasized the point by showing his corked guns to the nodding Janitor. Both of whom finished with an agreeable “Harrumph”.

Bwa Bwa let out a sigh of her own, as she looked upon the carnage. “Silly men,” she sighed, “Not much of a drama if you ask me. Poorly staged. I wonder if those amusing striped men are at the South end, today!” To Bwa Bwa's surprise, the striped men were indeed there, trapped in invisible boxes, and pulling invisible ropes! It was a lovely show, almost as lovely as her home (to which she would return in 2 weeks time).

END