A Deck Below

She sees me beneath her yet she can't bring herself to understand why she feels like I'm on her level. Perhaps I am but from my perspective, I'm just a number on a list and a name on a paper. She doesn't treat me any better than the rest of the colony. In fact, victim mindset aside, I think she acts rather cold and indifferent towards me. I can't imagine why. I keep my head down and listen to instructions without a bit of complaining. There was a circumstance where I must say I hinted at my discontent with the day's duties, but it was a small dissatisfaction, but not intense enough to obtain a vendetta against me for more days to come. So why do every time I approach her, she goes cold as ice. I see her warm and caring with them other colony positions, even those in my jurisdiction. Anyway, I can still feel a connection that is much deeper than surface level. It's as if we can sense each other from miles away but we never get close from a physical standpoint. She knows when I enter the room. Is she looking for me? I know when she leaves. I'm definitely not looking for her. In fact, I'm doing my best to avoid her, at all cost. It's not just my logical brain which tells me this connection is dangerous. My emotional body has a response when we are near each other as well. My hands will shake, I'll get lightheaded and dizzy out of the blue. I'll even have an overwhelming energy of frenzy wash over me though on the surface I remain calm and collected. Is this how she feels around me and I act as simply a mirror for her? Regardless, the way she views me benefits her. When I am below her she can do as she likes. She doesn’t want me above her because then she would be mine to control and that is something she cannot have. She could just imagine me telling her where to go and what to do aboard this ship. She is the most aggressive deckhand I've ever met. I couldn't imagine her being submissive for anyone, but then again, maybe that is what she fears the most. Maybe that is why she keeps her distance. Maybe that is why she is so closed off. It's as if I am the only one whom she wants to please and so she must displease me for her heart’s protection. I am beneath her but in her eyes she longs to have no responsibility herself. Controlled by no one and obligated to nothing. The thought had me intrigued to the point of introspection. I bet that's all it is. An exploration of fantasyland to sustain boredom. But what if it is much deeper than that? What if she is pure and honest and this lust for power has nothing to do with power at all. What if a lust for what is unknown is not a lust at all but misplaced trust of a love once lost. It's nice to imagine but to know the truth and believe it…now that's another story. I look beyond the waves after lunch and continue with my duties to avoid being singled out by my superiors. She was the perfect stranger. There would never be enough time on this journey to develop any real connection, especially with her being so closed off and all. Still, I could still dream and the ring on her finger could fade away as I did so. If only I knew what was to come…then I would have thought everything possible.