A DAY IN THE LIFE (GROAN MIX)

The alarm clock woke me from my fitful sleep. All night long I had the most vivid dream that I was a bicycle, and now I was just two-tired to get up. I hit the snooze button and pulled the blankets over my head in a futile attempt to catch a few more winks. Unfortunately, I had no more wink traps so had to let them go. Slowly sitting up, I turned to put my feet on the ground and walked lazily to the kitchen. Thankfully I had the foresight to set my radio coffee maker on the timer, so poured a cup and settled in for some rhythm and brews.

Feeling much more awake, I grabbed my phone and opened the New York Times app to catch up on the events of the evening. News out of Germany came that large balls of ice forced a private jet to land in Berlin. The headline read, “Hail Hit Lear”. Continuing to read, a fascinating event had happened in the entertainment world. A long-lost chapter from “The Wizard of Oz” book had been discovered. In it, a whole backstory for the Scarecrow was given – how he came to Oz, his given name of Barry, his passion for beetles and a deep empathy for a girl named Ava, who visited Oz prior to Dorothy. The title of the chapter was “Straw Barry feels for Ava”.

Having finished perusing, I turned my attention to preparing for work. Unsure of what the day would bring, I grabbed a fork and threw it at the wall. I studied it for a moment. “Rainy,” I thought to myself, having learned the fine art of weather fork casting. I dressed accordingly and went forth, after the first three had left.

I pulled into the parking lot of the zoo to begin my workday. As manager of the bird department, it is my duty to ensure that birds are released back into the wild and new birds brought in on a regular rotation. Except for the birds of prey – they are rotated on an add hawk basis. For the most part, the birds in the exhibit pay no attention to the spectators. The seagulls, however, put on a hilarious show for them, which only goes to prove that gulls just wanna have fun.

The morning was proving to be quite frustrating. I tried multiple times to send an email out to the zoo administrator, but every time I sent it my email address changed from [email protected] to Lloyd.farleytigerzoo.com. It has happened before. I just hate it when the cat in the @ comes back. Deciding I needed a much-deserved break, I made my way to the nearby Starbucks. Upon entering, all I could hear was a repetitive rapping sound, as if on a door. I asked the barista about it and she said that the sound had been plaguing them ever since they started selling the official Oprah Winfrey brand fish-infused chai tea. It dawned on me, and I shared it with her, that it was in fact the Oprah tuna tea knocking.

On the way back I escaped near death, a close call when I crossed the street. The sign said to look both ways, so I checked right and left. The train came from up. Carrying on, I passed the local theatre. A sign said, “Free Admission to ‘Funeral Follies’ – Pre-Opening Night Performance”. I had time to spare so walked inside and grabbed a seat. The play was quite enjoyable, up until the actor who played the character that sold used cars from funeral homes came on stage. He was horrible. The director stopped the performance and singled him out. “Did you even read the play?” he exclaimed. The actor replied, “Yes, but I haven’t had time to re-hearse.”

I left the theatre but hadn’t really paid attention to where I was. Suddenly lost, I was thankful to see a long line of beetles heading northward. Knowing that beetles do head regularly towards the zoo I followed the route of all weevil. As I walked back towards the office I heard a young man loudly berating the beasts in the hippopotamus exhibit. Incensed, I stormed in and yelled at the boy for being so hippo critical.

The rest of the day was uneventful, and at 5:00 I left and headed towards the mall. My favourite shirt had come apart at the seams, so I was looking to get it fixed. However, feeling a little peckish I headed towards the food court. I looked at the options available there and settled on the non-participating McDonald’s, where I ordered a Coke, small fries and a Lion King sandwich – hot tuna tomato. Taking my order to the nearest table I heard a loud sigh coming from behind me. I turned around to see one of the staff looking forlorn. I pointed to where Lorne was. She then looked sadly at a large pile of napkins that had fallen on the floor. “Are you alright, miss?” I asked. “Just frustrated, thanks for asking,” she replied, “these were all literally together in a single pile before they were knocked over.” “Ah,” I said, “the fall of the former serviette union.” “But it happened so fast,” she stammered. “They were rushin’,” I explained.

I finished up my meal and headed towards the new clothing repair shop which promised results in five minutes or less: Tailors Swift. “Hello, sir,” came a welcome from the lady behind the counter, “How can I help you?” “This is my favourite shirt,” I explained as I pulled the garment out of the bag, “it has completely fallen apart, so I’m hoping you can do something about that.” She picked up the pieces in her hands, looked them over, and sighed. “I’m sorry,” she apologized, “but there’s nothing I can do with this.” In disbelief, I asked her to confirm what she said. “This,” she stated as she pushed the remains of the garment back, “this is never, ever, ever getting back together.” Saddened, I thanked her for her time and turned to walk away. “Sir, if I may,” she asked before I had left the premises, “do you have a high singing voice?” Somewhat taken aback, I responded, “as a matter of fact I do. How did you know?” “Ah!” she bellowed, “I knew you were treble when you walked in.”

I left the mall, walked back to my car and headed home. It had been a long, tiresome day, and I simply wanted now to relax. I popped open a beer and walked out to the patio. The wind had picked up substantially, so I made my way back inside, grabbed a tin of Elton John brand gherkin pickles, and headed back outside. I quite often enjoy canned dill in the wind.

Having taken the time to shake off the trials of the day I headed off to bed. Tomorrow was Saturday, which marked my return after four weeks to my part-time job leading the orchestra as a semi-conductor. I had been on Strauss leave, but was looking forward to getting Bach to it. As slumber fell across my eyes I was thankful that there would be absolutely no surprises tomorrow. A psychic – Beyonce’s sister, Seyonce - told me what the events of the day would be.

Truly, tomorrow would be a knew day.

Happy trails.