A Bright Shadow

November 24th, 2017:

Pure bliss. Pleasure. Euphoria. Whatever the f*ck you want to call it. That’s all I feel. I just feel happy, naturally happy, for no reason behind it. Man, no wonder Nico constantly smokes. I mean, feeling like this 24/7; who wouldn’t want to? Honestly, the best way I can describe it is feeling that warm, tingly fuzziness right before you fall asleep in bed before you close your eyes and start dreaming. Just imagine that feeling looped around, over and over again for a long time. And every hit you take, it’s like you’re slowly climbing up a mountain. No. Better yet, a rollercoaster. You’re slowly climbing up the roller coaster each time you inhale, and eventually, you reach that peak height and kind of bask in the warmth for a while and slowly come back down with the warmth lingering behind you.

Amazing.

I’ve smoked weed a couple of times, but only when I was at school, either during lunch or if I had a free period. It always made me anxious and paranoid, if anything. Scared of getting too high, afraid of getting caught by some teacher and my parents finding out, and scared that I’d get addicted to it and wouldn’t be able to stop. All those feelings and fears were put into a small box; I felt all that in my chest, the heaviness, all of it just sinking deeper into my body, where I felt ready to explode.

But this time, that wasn’t even there. It was a whole other level I’d never explored before. Plus, Nico knows what type of person I am. She’s called me a “tight-a*s,” by the way, I took care of school first with my grades, never got in any type of trouble, and because the only time I’d ever really leave the house was for school. At one point, I had to beg on my f*cking knees to my parents just to get a chance to stay for school clubs and activities (only because I told them I needed it for applying to college), but it was a hassle. I never really got to hang out with Nico or anyone else unless it was there (perks of having strict parents that shove education down your throat all the f*cking time).

Nicole and I both needed this. Mainly me. It was just like any other day for Nico, if anything, just with me this time, where I’m not paranoid. Studying for exams this week was already killing me, and my mom losing her job at the hotel started a fight between her and my dad about money, burying me deeper with worry. Even though they always say to me, “focus on your school, you don’t need to worry about finances, that’s our job, your job is just only school,” I still have that sh*t linger in the back of my head all the time. Coming from Ethiopia in the 90s, raising four kids, and prepping for the oldest to graduate high school and attend college in a few years isn't easy for my parents.

But again, I wasn’t even thinking about all that. Years from now. Months from now. Weeks, or even days. The pressure with everything falling behind me.

Nothing but Nico and I creating a smoke the size of a f*cking cloud in her almost-broken down g6 Pontiac. The air was cold, but I could feel the heat of the sun all around me as if I was just grasping it in my hands. The light made everything feel so much better. I was only thinking about the moment.

Only the moment.

December 10th, 2017:

I hate Christmas break. I mean, I could handle thanksgiving break only because it was a week-long. But an entire month of being cooped up in my house without seeing anyone else but my family? That’s just depressing as f*ck. Nothing really against my family (besides my parent’s not letting me go out anywhere), but most of the time I spend is just in my room gaming or watching some stupid sh*t on YouTube.

Eventually, everything starts to get repetitive, and everything gets depressing. More so lonely. I can barely connect or interact with my siblings because they are young. Sometimes I wish I had an older sibling just to talk to and honestly show me everything. Being the one to experience and figure out everything first is terrible. The “experiment child” is what I’d call myself—a learning tool for my siblings on what to do and what not to do.

The only way I see myself leaving the house as much as I want is by having a job. But even then, it’s more so my dad who’s against it. He thinks I’ll start focusing more on money and not give a single f*ck about finishing school. Then he’ll start rambling something about girls and being a distraction. Honestly, just a bunch of nonsense that doesn’t connect (but I guess go off with the lecture king).

This time of the year was fun for me when I was younger. I was very ignorant of how lonely I was because I was a kid. My imagination kept me company. It kept me happy. I haven’t really felt like that in a long time. Not until Nico and I hotboxed her car. Man, I wish I could relieve that day again.

I guess I just have to tough it out and wait for Christmas break to end, just like I’ve done every other year. The older I get, the harder it is to manage. Hopefully, I don’t reach that breaking point.

March 2nd, 2018:

My dad’s been pissed at me the entire day after I told him I didn’t make the highest honor roll list for the first time. I didn’t even make the regular honor roll. I’ve just been under a lot of pressure trying to manage school and going to work immediately after school for the past two months. I’ve only been working part-time at a hotel, even though the manager gives me a full-time schedule. I would tell him that’s not the hours I asked for, but I do love having that message come in on my bank account saying I’m getting money deposited on Friday. Luckily my mom put me on with the hotel manager she worked at before. It was someone both my parents knew and trusted, plus I made easy money just sitting at the front desk doing nothing.

My grades slipping up just gives my dad more of a reason for him to be right, but it’s not like I’m failing classes. I know I can do better, and I will eventually, but he’s not buying it. I really can’t do anything but listen to him rage at me and go back to my room and either sleep or do whatever class assignment I had (if I even felt like it). Nothing but more pressure and stress.

Luckily with divine timing, Nico hit me up later today, asking if I wanted to hang out anytime soon. Honestly, I’m up for it now, better than I was before. I can always tell my parents I’m working the whole day some f*cking weekend and just smoke with Nico.

It has been a while since I saw her. Even at school, when I do see her, we say a couple of things to each other, but we separate and go back to doing what we need to do. Besides Nico, I don’t even really say anything to anyone that often.

Most of the other time, I’m just fighting to stay awake. I even skip lunch nowadays just to catch up on whatever missing assignments I had for a class or because I was just f*cking tired. It’s also been a while since I even went to any of my after-school stuff. Actually, since I started working, I haven’t gone to any of them, but I don’t need to at this point. I’ve been involved in enough of that after-school sh*t.

All I’m looking forward to now is calling off my shift for this weekend, meeting up with Nico, and getting as much f*cked up as I can be. I mean, I work this hard to have sparks of freedom like this whenever I can, right? It’s well deserved.

March 5th, 2018:

Seeing and talking to Nico was so f*cking refreshing. We laughed and talked about everything honestly. We kept putting each other onto new music, shows, and sh*t that we saw. She even started talking to me about a couple of the boys she's been with and clowning me for not having a girlfriend yet. This high felt good, really just us having fun and chilling.

Eventually, we started to come down a bit, and she started talking about sh*t she was dealing with at home. She started telling me how she and her mom found out that her mother had breast cancer and struggled to pay medical bills for treatment because of how worse she started feeling. I felt bad about how I couldn’t be there for her as much, and I also felt some of the stuff she was going through. I told her about all the sh*t I have to do with work and school just so my parents can manage money better without throwing some of it on me because of my job.

Once I was done, she started asking me sh*t about my job, like how many hours I worked, if I worked by myself and if I was happy with the money I was getting. I mean, I worked a sh*t ton of hours by myself, and the pay was good enough for me to support myself with most of the things I needed without my parents worrying.

Short answer, though: f*ck no, it could be way better.

Nico laughed and basically started telling me how she hooked up with some guy named Lucas at a New Years' party and has been on and off with him the past couple of months. Eventually, she got to the point where he was a drug dealer for a different school, was caught selling, and ended up getting expelled from his school and switching to online learning.

I was so confused about why she was telling me about all this again until I realized that she wanted us to be the ones that connected him to another audience. Nico wanted us to sell for him at our school.

This was the type of sh*t my parents would always tell me to avoid—drugs of any kind. Selling, taking, snorting, whatever ended in -ing with drugs, my parents were against it. I already broke one of the -ings, and I didn’t want to break another one—especially selling.

At first, I was against it; I told her it was “no” from the start. We spent that whole day talking and arguing about the whole thing, how I didn’t want to f*ck up my life getting caught, how I took school seriously, and how I didn’t want her getting caught up in some bullsh*t too.

Eventually, I kept thinking about my academics, family, and future. Things weren’t going well for me the past couple of months and, this could be a way to make some things better. But then I thought about Nico. I could already tell she wanted to do this, especially for her mother to get better.

Before I could say anything to her, a big white a*s barn owl landed on this train platform we were sitting on, right next to me. It looked like that snowy owl Hedwig from the Harry Potter movies. We were both caught off guard, especially me, because I’d never seen an owl up close like that before. All I could do was just stare at it hypnotically. Maybe it was because I was still kind of high, but it surprised me because it looked so majestic. Eventually, all I could do was just stare at it until it flew away in the distance.

Was this some sort of sign? Some type of enlightenment sh*t?

I started thinking of Nico again and how she had no one else to turn to but me. I was the only one she could trust to go through with this, knowing Nico for almost a decade of my life. She knew I was worth it. I knew she was worth it.

I guess I understood what the saying “ride or die” actually meant for once.

June 19th, 2018:

Wild. The past couple of months have been nothing but wild. Even that feels like a word that’s underwhelming or too small to use for what’s been going on. At least in terms of the sh*t, I’m doing. I would’ve never thought I’d get into something this deep.

At the start of things, it was boring and slow as f*ck. Nico and I had a lot to learn from Lucas. How to sell, what to sell, and a bunch of other sh*t that felt like I was taking another class at school. Nico and I were the students, Lucas was the teacher. He taught us everything he knew on what it means to sell. He told us we’d only have to focus on selling and making sure we came correct with the money. He would only worry about the logistics behind accessing the supplies we would need.

The dealing and promoting were easy. I would be the one to deal during lunch, and any free periods I had, even during the breaks in between class transitions. I even told my dad to start picking me up late for my “after-school clubs” whenever he could so that I could sell.

Nico focused on promoting based on how good she was with social media at school, especially because a lot of the boys in my school were thirsting after her. We practically had the audience, and everything from that point was going fine.

All we did was sell weed at first, but eventually, Lucas explained that there were cheaper drugs to sell that would make us all more profit. I was already fine with how much I was making just selling weed at first. Based on how much we were making, I would’ve even been fine with stopping by now.

F*ck it, though. Making more money doesn’t hurt anyone.

We kept selling weed as we did before, but the commercial hit that went off with us was LSD, acid. My pockets kept staying stuffed, my parents let me put some of what I made with their financial issues, and I even splurged on my siblings whenever I could. Even for Nico, the treatment that she was starting to pay for helped her mother get better, which was honestly what I was really into. For Nico.

It’s a team effort. Lucas focused on the supply aspect, and Nico and I focused on the dealing; it worked out better than expected.

September 17th, 2018:

Lucas, I guess you could say he planted that idea of making more money in my head. It ended up with me coming up with a plan to use the hotel as a place for a bigger audience. Having the kids at our school buy was enough, but why not have f*cking adults, people who make more money, buy our sh*t too?

Boom. Sell at the hotel I was working at.

The hotel itself was already a bad place to be at, based on how there was almost a weekly incident of people smoking weed or doing some hardcore drug, where they’d end up paying a fee (if the room smelled like weed or was completely trashed), and then come back another day to do it all over again. Everyone who worked there was already aware of this being a problem, but if anything, I just saw it as an opportunity.

The manager and even the hotel owners already liked and trusted me. I would be the one working by myself, most of the time every day once school was closed for the summer. The other two people who worked the front desk were old and never bothered to pay attention to anything besides the hotel's customers. Plus, there’s a small little opening on the main entrance, near the bathrooms, away from the cameras, where Nicole could just drop off whatever order I texted to her.

Eventually, the hotel ended up hiring another person; this was Cassandra. Because I was the main person working the front desk, I was also the person who would train Cassandra. At first, I was pissed because this would mess with everything I was already working on.

Cassandra told me how she struggled to take care of her younger brother and start her first year of college because of her mother leaving to go back to Mexico and not wanting to come back to care for either of them, with her becoming her brother’s guardian. I can’t imagine that feeling, having both my parents with me for my entire life. Even when they did argue, even if they were strict, they always held my siblings and me first—all the time.

We started getting closer at the hotel, and even after our shift was over, we’d end up in either my car or her car and just talk for hours. The closer I got to Cassandra, the farther away I went from Nico. Cassandra was special to me. It’s as if she mirrored a certain part of me that I once had—my innocence. I felt guilty once I started telling her all the sh*t I was doing at the hotel and even at school. I felt like I corrupted her. It surprised me, though, when she understood. When she did, I asked if she wanted to be a part of what was going on. At first, she didn’t say anything to me when I asked her. It was silent for a couple of minutes, and she told me she’d tell me later on.

Cassandra ended up joining. At first, when I told Nico, she seemed very hesitant and annoyed by it, and when Lucas found out about Cassandra joining, he reacted the same. But for the sake of having someone work with me, and not having other workers sign-up the same shift and having Cassandra do that, they reluctantly agreed with it, and with her having a smaller cut between the four of us. Even if the other two decided to do that, I took a cut out of mine just for Cassandra to have enough.

Cassandra and I gave each other nicknames whenever we were at the hotel. She called me “East” only because my initials made the acronym “E.S.T.,” and I was also east African. I called her “Cash,” a shorter version of her name, and only because I gave her the role of handling and counting the money, we made dealing. I didn’t want her to deal with any drugs at all.

All that’s been on my mind now is expanding, money, and Cassandra.

October 31st, 2018:

I’ve never been a fan of Halloween, mainly because I’ve never actually done trick-or-treating and dressing up in a costume. Thanks to my parents, of course. I’ve always made a promise to myself that I’d take my kids in the future trick-or-treating—just another thing on the list to make up for towards my childhood.

If anything, I’m only excited for the time I get to spend this weekend with Cassandra. It took a lot of convincing (in other words lying to my parents), saying I had a school trip to go to for that weekend, but it was worth the struggle.

I haven’t felt this happy for a while. Naturally, that is. I mean, I felt happy before with Nico when high of course. But with Cash, I’m not high at all (nor do I want to be) when I’m around her, but I still feel that euphoric feeling. She is my drug. She is my high. I haven’t gotten high off of anything for a long time, but it still feels as if it’s my first time sinking into that feeling every time I’m with her. Even those feelings of anxiousness and paranoia. She makes me want to feel everything around me. To feel, inhale, and understand everything around me, good or bad, what it means to experience from her radiant smile, her warm, encompassing embrace. The feeling I felt with the heat of the sun. It feels as if I’m standing in the center of that star through her warm embrace. That’s what Cassandra is to me, to say the least.

F*ck Halloween. For now.

December 4th, 2018:

Broken. Everything is broken. You cannot plan for everything, especially the unexpected.

It happened randomly. One of the customers that did buy from us earlier in the day ended up having a bad trip later at night in their room, left, and attacked another one of the hotel guests on the floor. Bad to the point where the law enforcement got involved. Once the attacker came down from their trip, they confessed that Cash and I were the ones who sold them the drugs. Seeing Cassandra cry in anguish hurt me. Cash and I were put in the back of the squad car and then taken to the police station. It was my first time in a police car before. I never saw or ever felt what it’s like to be in one. I only knew what it was like from what the movies and television shows portrayed, but it felt nothing like that. Once we got to the station, the officers booked us, separated us, and eventually started contacting my parents.

I can’t describe the embarrassment, shame, and guilt I felt, tied down in the pits of my stomach. My parents couldn’t even say anything to me. Not a word. Whatever they were thinking about saying to me spoke for itself by the disgusted, horrid look on their faces. I couldn’t look them in the eye for more than a second.

Being taken to whatever interrogation room they had there, I was quiet most of the time. They kept asking me how long I had done this for? If I was the leader or if Cash was the leader? But I continued to remain silent

I knew it was over for me. All the colleges I finished applying to, getting my grades back up, my academic and future for college were tainted for the most part. That all kept pumping throughout my mind.

What about Cash or Nico? I could care less for what would happen to Lucas; he was already f*cked before.

But for Cash and Nico, it was difficult. I knew one of us would eventually talk or the police would find out the whole story. I would have to take that chance of talking first, to try and make one of them look innocent. Or whatever punishment they tried to give to either one a little easier.

Cash or Nico. Someone would lose a sister. Someone would lose a daughter. I have to choose one, right?

April 9th, 2019:

Since that day, I haven’t talked to Cassandra, Nico, or Lucas.

Lucas ended up being sentenced to county jail for three years and a year of probation after his release. I never got to see him or hear about how he felt with all that happened. I sure as hell knew that he’d want to f*cking kill me if he ever saw me, though. Even though I don’t care for him, for my own’s sake and family’s sake, I know I have to be careful with everything once he’s out.

Nico, on the other hand, got thirty days in county jail, six months of probation, and was expelled from my school. She already had some strikes on her record before, which made things worse. Once she was out, I tried to make things right with her, and even before she was sent to the county jail, I tried to tell her that I’d visit her mother whenever I could, but she completely cut me off. She let me know how much she hated me and how she never wanted to see me again.

Cassandra, on the other hand, left without a scratch. More so, a warning from the authorities that she would lose her brother to child protective services if she made any other type of offense. Once I told the police how much responsibility Lucas, Nico, and I had in this operation, they let Cassandra go. Unlike Nico, I can’t bring myself to reach out to Cassandra. I don’t know how she’s feeling, what she’s doing, or if she even lives here in Ohio anymore.

As for me, it’s back to how I was in the beginning. Isolated, only with access from school and home. Of course, I ended up losing my job. I also ended up being put on six months of probation and 30 days of house arrest, only because of how clean my record was. My school also punished me, telling me that I wouldn’t be allowed to attend any school events like prom and even graduation. This feeling of pain and anguish stings me over and over again, all my hard work, my parents' hard work, twelve years down the drain. I don’t know if my parents will ever look at me the same, but they are using me as the “experiment child” of what not to do for my siblings. I can’t even see them anymore. In the house, I share with them. It hurts to see my parents look disappointed in silence. I wish they’d yell at me or even hit me if they could. Just some sort of attention, strictness, a sign of care that tells me I’m still going to be okay. That I still have my innocence intact.

Nothing but silence.

June 8th, 2019:

Today’s graduation day. Somehow I managed to pull my grades up. Somehow I managed even to get accepted to a university. I don’t feel good or any better. I feel numb. Even though I did honest, truthful work to get to today, I don’t feel like I earned that diploma coming through the mail.

My parents and I are still working on our relationship, but it’s going along. I know the diploma I earned means more to them now based on how I’m trying to be better. They know I have so much work to do on myself. Their strictness is still around, but they are a little more understanding at times when I gasp for the air of freedom. If anything, I’m even much closer with my siblings, my best friends. They are the reason I get better. Why I will be better. Hopefully, today will be the day my parents use the “experiment child” of what to do.

I should be excited to move in early for college this summer. All the parties I can attend, people I’ll meet, football games to see. Even getting to pursue something I’m interested in for once in my life, of becoming a Pharmacist (no, it’s not for the drugs). But I still feel numb and distracted.

Nico and Cash. My drugs. I feel the withdrawal from them.

I love them both. I still care for them. Those memories I relieve with both of them separately bring a mixture of sadness and nostalgia. The capturing of life’s overall vibe I felt in Nico’s car. How it felt like to be high without any drug or substance whenever I was around Cash. Nothing but an indescribable craving of want and need cycle continuously inside of me. That swirling emotion of cold demand for them stays with me, even without my acknowledgment. An infinite loop of hope. Hoping I could talk to them. Hoping I could see them. Hoping I could be in their presence once more.

All I can do now is move forward in hopes of feeling happy again. Naturally happy. Nico and Cash were once those feelings of trust, laughter, and comfort now turned into doubt, sorrow, and gloom. I must seek those feelings again, what it means to be naturally happy. I’ve only been enveloped in the darkness for a long time of my life. But that crack of shine that’s been brought to me for a short amount of time makes itself worth waiting. To feel the glitter of the light and to bask in its glow. Hopefully, this time, I can make it burn just as long as it’s been dark.

Because everything around the light feels so much better.