A Boyfriend

Where am I, I wondered. I had been in a coffee shop and now I sat in my truck in a place I had never been before. I looked out at the sea. The sea which was located at least three hours from were I had been having coffee. And to make it weirder my car was parked, and I was sleeeping.

I stared at my ringing phone. What was I supposed to say. " I misplaced my mind". Not knowing what to say I let my phone ring,

My growling stomach broke my daze. I saw a seafood stand. After ordering fried clams I went and sat on the beach.

It was beautiful but what was I doing here?

I returned to my truck. On the seat was a map with a drawn route. A map that I had not bought. At least I now knew where I was, but I was still wondering why and how

The route went to a hotel on the beach. Why was I going there? I thought maybe there was a package for me at the front desk, so I gave them my last name. But to my surprise there was a prepaid hotel stay, I asked who had paid, but all they had was a chargecard no

The room was nice, but it looked like someone else was staying there, On the bed were piles of note book papers, and a ipad. I was afraid to enter, but nobody emerged during my spell, as I stood in the doorway, and there was a note for me on the ipad. Of course it was unsigned. The pages were hand written poems from my boyfriend who I was supposed to be eating dinner with tonight. I could't help wondering why he had not called, But he did not call that night. I read his poems. He was a little obsesed with his love for me, but then most poets overdo it. I dialed his number no one answered, I got my answers when I turned over the local news. He had been arrested. These assessive poems had not been about me. They had been about another woman, who he was being accused of killing, I curled up like a little ball and cryed. I had done more then misplaced my mind, I was about to totally loose it

I signed on to the ipad. The vacation to Costa Rica I had wanted to take to Costa Rica popped up. This was impossible, I had only shared with one person about this trip, but they were thanking me for a deposit, Half the trip was paid for. Should I have been happy? I was getting scared, I was at a beautifal free vacation, I should have been enjoying, but instead I was crying, not knowing who to turn to

The room phone rang. I had paid for a dinner. They offered to bring it to my room, but I said I would be right down. They had a bar, which I visited after I ate. I didn't really want to drink, but I did want to socialize. There were three men about my age sitting there. I knew it usually worked better if you let them approach you, but I said hi. They were here for a golf tournament. I usually would have inwardly groaned,but I was glad to just have the company. They actually made me laugh , talking about their bad experiences in Mexico. The cops there ripped off americans. They had had to pay 500 amarican dollars in fines. i went upstairs curled up among the papers and slept.

The next morning I was awoken by a knock. At the door was my breakfast. Eggs bennadict and orange juice. I smiled, the room was silent, which was strange. My boyfriend, my live in boyfriend had been arrested. Why was my phone not ringing, No police, no press, and what was I supposed to find in those papers. Why was I here with no disruptions. Had I displaced my life as well as my mind.

They had a small bottle of champeign with the orange juice. Mimosas, I was soon smiling, Someone was making a intervention, but who?

I slept and read the rest of the papers, Nothing just a weird story which really made me doubt his grasp of reality. No one could have that much self confidence.

I had one more night on my reservation, but I decided to check out of the hotel. I was hoping that the route on the map would guide me home. Home-where was home. For years I wanted to relocate, but my apartment had been a somewhat home. I was envisioning a mess. But when I arrived my apartment looked like it would on any other day, My possessions had not been tossed or searched.

But now I would be a novelty- The murderors girlfriend. But now I had a trip to look forward too. I couldn't help singing " At last I am free" There was nothing to hold me to this town, but there was nothing drawing me anywhere else either, The reality suddenly shifted. He would be on trial., I was nothing but a link. "In a chain of fools". I cried.

Maybe it had been a dream. I was hoping that Ben would walk through the door, A hour later I was still sitting in isolation. His clothes were still in the closet, his mail was still coming to the house.

Finally I convinced myself to turn on the local news. He was going for a phsyce evaluation. In court his testamony had not made much sense. He had collapsed in the courtroom. The judge had ordered the evaluation. I couldn't help wondering if once they had talked to me they would order one for me as well. but someone knew what was going on. Someone had paid for the hotel and part of my trip.

Later that day my phone finally rang. It was Ben's brother Chris. He had come over to the house a few times, but we were not close. He said he had a few months rent.

When he walked in I started crying. All I could manage to say was "What is going on. All I know is what is on the news. Chris shifted uneasily. Do you know the woman who he killed I asked. " He looked down "She was one of my classmates, I did not know her well, but we studied together on occassions. I guess my brother met her then." "Have the police talked with you, nobody has notified me. " "I convinced Ben not to mention you , he said he was living with me." "Don't they wonder were all his stuff is. They did search your house, didn't they"?Well actually they found the gun in his car. " In the unlocked glove department? I asked, "anybody could have put it there." He shifted uneasily. " What are you keeping from me". I asked. He gave me the money and then mumbled "This is not going the way I had it planned, I call you to let you know what is happening". He gave me a kiss on my cheak and then left. I felt a little freaked out, all the lies, and what had he planned? I actually shivered after he left. Did he finance my future vacation? How was I going to get my answers? If Ben didn't care for me, why had he lied to the police. Did he feel guilty over his affection for the dead woman, or had there never been any affection. I wanted answers from the police, not from a man who was telling Ben to lie. I cried. I wished Ben was here "Cry on my shoulder, my love". I listened to the song over and over again as I cried.

The next morning I marched into the police station. They didn't seem to have time for me until I explained who I was, Suddenly I was lead into a woman detectives office, I told her about my past two days. I had brought everything that had been on my hotel bed. I showed her the reciept, I told her this was my dream vacation, but I did not have enough money,and I had not shared the information widely that I wanted to go. It was a well kept secret. One of the things I kept hidden in my closet.

And I could no longer afford Brunch, so I very rarely had eggs Benedict. Who would know all these things about me. What was I supposed to find in the papers. Who had taken me from the coffee shop to the beach.Had they drugged me. I go to the coffee shop all the time. And the gun was in the unlocked glove department of his car, anybody could have put it there, and why had Chris told him to lie, how did he have it planned. The detective took down notes. She asked me my address and phone number. She asked me to wait, and left the office, She returned with one of my old classmates, Anna, I practably ran to her and gave her a hug. She rubbed her hands through my hair, and I cried. She was now a counselor at the police station, she usually talked with the victums families, but the sargent thought it would be good for me to talk to a familiar person. She had been right, The weird thing is that nobody in the police station was suggestiong that I had a mental disorder. They didn't seem to express anything to me.They just took notes and tried to give emotional support.

I was shaking when I reentered my apartment. My vacation had been what was holding me together, but I knew I would most likely loose that deposit, and the chance to go on that vacation. They did not mention me on the loval news and no press called. I started to relax, and soaked into a tub bath.

The police checked out the charge card used to pay for the hotel, There was no account name, on the card. They had located the bank where the card was bought, They knew the day it was bought, it had been a cash transaction.

Ben came home, but he was like a ghost, on huge dozes of medication. He couldn't work, he was to drugged. All I thought about was my trip, I had sent in more money. Chris had given me like 6 months rent. I had thought I wouldn't need it. But looking at the ghost in the house I put every cent I could into my vacation fund despite my daily expenses.

I called Anna ,and she offered to help me. She offered to let me do filing at the police station, It was only ten dollars a hour but it got me out of the house. I would have lived there if I could have. I know don't knock someone when they are down. Ben no longer teased and joked with me. I know longer wanted to kiss him,or even sleep in his bed, He shared no information about his illness or the case, We know longer related, if you don't communicate you can't have a relationship He went on disability, and planned to drop out of the workforce. I could not do this forever, infact I was never home. I felt like I didn't even have a home. A place were I felt safe, where I could run around half naked, and dance and sing. Chris never came to visit his brother, none of his friends did, What sort of medication destroys your personality, and your life. What doctor would reck a human's life like this. How does this help anybodys mental health, I know that not everybody is a clone, but you should not make them stick out like a sore-thumb as odd. If people are really strange others avoid them. They do not include them. What they need is a happy healthy envirnment if they want healthy mental health. On this medication his friends did not view him as a equal, they talked down to him, as if he was stupid. All the respect he had spend years establishing had been wiped away. All because of medication that was supposed to help him engage in life. I knew I should go and fight for him since he wasn't able to do it himself anymore. I just wanted the old alert Ben back.

I was at the police station everyday and yet I never heard anything about my case. Anna slowly stopped conseling me. It was now a work relationship. I didn't want to risk loosing my job by asking about Ben or my case.

When the date for my flight arrived, I was so excited I felt drunk. Birds and photos, I finally felt myself breathe. Some of them were professional photographers, they helped me they taught me, they made me laugh. For ten days I felt whole. But on the plane back I cried. but to my surprize , when the plane arrived Ben ran up and hugged me. He kissed me and to my surprise I kissed him back. My heart jumped.

Ben was now Ben, What had happened. I was afraid to ask. Would he float off. but to my surprise he carried my luggage, and asked me about my trip. "They found the real killer, he said, and since I am no longer a threat to others , they reduced my meds."I hugged him.

I had wanted to go home and look at my photos, but Ben joined me in the living room and we reviewed them together, He said he couldn't stay up to late because they had hired him back at work. I was so happy that I kissed him. He picked me up and swung me over to the couch.

I was singing when I walked into the police station. Anna called me into the office. My face tighened, she laughed , relax we solved your case. You still have a job,how was your trip. "It was great, and Ben was back to normal when I got home, he has started back to work, he actually is communicating with me. Who paid for my trip and the hotel room.Do I need to pay back the money. The trip really brought back my sanity. I have refound my misplaced mind."

Anna smiled, Are you sure you want to know? You have the relationship and life you want. You do not need to pay the money back, it was not stolen , it was a gift, There is no need to go to court besides driving you to the beach, he really did not break any laws. And he gave you your dreams." "Had he been watching me. Did he frame Ben." We have a restraining order in place, he was friends with Ben but he did not kill the girl. We told Ben,about his friends obsession.

Ben remembered talking to him at a party about you. It was some drinking game. What your girlfriend likes. Ben couldn't remember anyones answers but he remembered who had played.

"Who killed the Girl. Some guy named Chris Mathews. He went to school with her. He had told the police that Ben had been staying with him. He was the only one visiting Ben in Prision. When you introduced yourself you contradicted his story. I froze, he had paid my rent and part of my trip. "He was the man who said things were not going as he had planned". "Yes" Anna responded. "Can I take a minute before I start work." She noded yes.

I sat and sang under my breathe "At last I am free" Finally my mind really was free.

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