A Blank Canvas

The apartment now emptied of her stuff, Lina took a seat in her favourite spot. A dark moss-coloured armchair with pecan-brown detailing. Its high back giving all the needed support, and armrests so wide, which could steadily hold a cup of tea, made it perfect for Sunday reading sessions.

That chair was the only piece of furniture she was taking with her. That’s the only piece she actually liked in this place she tried calling home for the past two years. Sitting in that chair was the only time she had truly felt at home.

It didn’t fit in this apartment that now looked like it could be an OR or a science lab.

"Maybe I didn’t fit here either..." she found herself thinking.

The building was as glamorous as it gets. The outside was entirely made of glass, which also made one whole wall of the apartment just windows. Even the height of the 17th floor couldn’t erase the feeling of being on display.

Every other wall in the apartment was painted white – the doors were white, and yes, the floors were off-white, but still. The interior design, which Josh had proudly claimed to be Scandinavian, was actually just lifeless and lacked personality.

Lina had a suspicion that he didn’t actually know the meaning of "Scandinavian interior design." He had just hired a designer who said some fancy-sounding words, and God forbid anyone find out he doesn’t know everything in the world, so he just went along with it, not knowing what it actually meant.

Looking back at the time Lina had moved in here, it should have been obvious that this is not a home for her. The only explanation she had managed to find was that she was so in love, all logic and critical thinking flew out the window, which was ironic, since the windows didn't even open. The artist and the romantic in her saw this as a blank canvas, waiting to be painted on, waiting for them to paint it with their memories, their moments, their love.

That thought made Lina flinch a bit. It was the reason for one of the biggest fights she and Josh had had in the whole time they'd lived together. This should have been a major red flag when Josh not only didn’t want to go furniture shopping but forbade Lina from doing that, too.

*

It was a gorgeous sunny Saturday morning last September when Lina excitedly got up early with the sunrise. That was one thing she didn’t hate about the apartment – the view. Every sunrise was at the palm of your hand. The most gorgeous show to watch while enjoying your morning coffee.

That morning promised to be even more fun as she dug out the vintage radio she'd bought the day before from a second-hand shop downtown. It was exactly like the one her grandpa used to have in the garage. It had only two buttons, one for volume and the other one for tuning the stations.

The man at the store had demonstrated that everything worked fine, and Lina just needed to position the antenna correctly. The wooden frame was a little worn out, the edges slightly scratched, but that was just the exteriour – the machinery inside worked perfectly.

Lina quickly googled the frequency for the Radio Retro and turned the tuning button until the red stripe was perfectly lined with 94.7 MHz on the scale. Sipping her strong cappuccino, she leaned on the kitchen island by the elbows and watched another perfect sunrise.

"What is that?" She heard Josh ask from behind her.

"It’s a radio. Isn’t it cool?" she said excitedly, pouring him a cup of coffee. "Good morning, dear," she added with a smile.

"Morning," said Josh quickly, his voice flat as he reached for the coffee. "We already have a radio. A whole sound system, in fact. You can connect it to your phone and listen to all the latest hits or any podcast on Spotify."

"I found it in a little thrift store yesterday and thought it was cute. And it works perfectly, too," said Lina, hoping her enthusiasm would rub off on Josh as well.

"Why would you waste money on something like that? Someone else clearly thought it was garbage and tossed it," snorted Josh, holding onto his perfectly white coffee mug while fiddling with the sound system, showing Lina, for the hundredth time, how to connect it to her phone, completely unaware that Lina’s love for the radio had nothing to do with her abilities to use the Bluetooth.

*

Noodle stir-fry sizzling on the stove, she tasted it, adding more spices with each bite. Enjoying a glass of white wine and the thrift store radio blasting upbeat Spanish retro music, Lina was dancing between the fridge, sink, and stove while singing along with the radio.

She had never been much of a singer, but that had never stopped her. With the spatula as a pretend microphone, she sang along loudly while twisting and twirling with the melody, tapping her feet to the rhythm.

With growing enthusiasm, she took her performance to a worthy ending, singing the final note for as long as her lungs allowed, ending the performance in a deep bow to her audiance – the spice jars that were lined up neatly next to the stove. She laughed as the stage faded and she was back in her kitchen, taking the last sip of her wine and stirring the noodles with what used to be her microphone.

Her laughter was cut off by a key jingling and muffled voices outside the door. With a loud crash, Josh barged in the front door, stumbling in from drinks with co-workers. He was more drunk than Lina had ever seen before, barely able to walk.

The concierge of the building had carried him upstairs and was now putting him on the bright white sofa in the living room. Lina quickly turned the stove off and hurried to help Josh.

She mouthed "Thank you" and "I’m so sorry" to Mr. Murphy as he made his way out the door. He gave her a little smile and shook his head. "Don’t worry about it."

"Are you okay?" asked Lina, offering Josh a glass of water.

"I’m fine!" was the only thing he barked at her, his hands clenched in fists so tight the knuckles were almost as white as the sofa.

"Did something happen? Can I help with anything?" Her mind raced, trying to figure out what had caused all this.

"Help me? You? How could you help me? What could you possibly do? You don’t know a damn thing about my job or what’s on the line for me!" Josh’s voice was hoarse and raw. "You just go running around in your own bubble, buying trash from thrift stores!"

"I...I don’t understand. What happened? Talk to me." said Lina, her voice trembling.

"And turn off this fucking hippie music! It’s driving me crazy!" his voice now loud and bitter, struggling to form sentences.

His words hit her like a fist. He had never spoken to her like this before, and she found her body reacting to it all on its own, instinctively backing off.

Lina wasn’t sure if she should defend herself or just let him get it all out. It didn’t even matter because the only thing she could do was stare at him, frozen in place. She was unable to move. Josh had never been this angry before. She didn’t even know he could yell like that.

"And get rid of this piece of garbage! It’s useless, and it doesn’t go with the style of my place!"

Before Lina could process the meaning of his words, Josh was on his feet and staggered toward the kitchen. He snatched the radio and smashed it on the ground with one sharp motion. The cracking sound echoed through the empty, sterile apartment like a bomb going off.

Lina stood still in the living room, but her heart smashed the floor just as hard as the radio had. The wooden frame splintered, the knobs twisted off, and the antenna bent under the impact.

Finally able to move again, she caught up to him just as one of the two knobs rolled across the floor in front of her feet. Everything fell silent, each piece finding their spot on the floor – forming a message she didn't want to read.

She stood there wondering where her heart fit in this mess – either in the far end corner, looking over the damage, or perhaps in the middle, tangled with the antenna. Lina broke the silence with her footsteps as she stepped out of the kitchen.

"I am so sorry, honey! Lina, please forgive me," Josh stumbled after her. "I didn’t mean to do that! I’m stressed and drunk, and we had a huge deal fall through. I’m so sorry! I’ll buy you a new radio! I promise! We’ll go tomorrow!" pleaded Josh behind her. When she didn’t respond, he gently grabbed her arm to turn her around.

What happened next was just as big a surprise for Lina as it was to Josh.

"Don’t you fucking touch me!" roared Lina with the voice of a lion.

She, herself, didn’t know she could sound like this. Not once in her life had she made this sound. And if Josh wasn’t startled sober before, he most definitely was now. His eyes cleared, and with a baffled expression, he took a step back, lowering his hand.

She grabbed her bag and walked out the door.

It took two weeks and hundreds of phone calls and texts to Lina and to her best friend, whom she was staying with, to finally get Lina to talk to him.

After reconciling, Josh insisted on taking Lina on a shopping weekend where she could pick out anything she wanted. He was hoping to make up for smashing the grandpa radio by replacing it with whatever Lina’s heart desired.

Lina walked straight to that little vintage thrift store where she had found the radio. The second she walked in the door, there it was – her beloved armchair, which she chose in an instant.

It took all Josh had not to roll his eyes or try to convince her to get anything else in the world, from any other store in the city. Or if an armchair was what she desired, then a new chair, a nice white leather one, maybe a recliner with a cupholder and charging ports.

Why would anyone pick this used, God-knows-how-old green chair? Who knows how many butts it has seen – that was just one of the many worries in Josh’s mind at that moment. But he knew if he wanted Lina in his life, he had to keep his mouth shut, get this chair paid for and up to the 17th floor.

To Josh, this chair looked like an eyesore in his stylish white Scandinavian apartment. He couldn’t stop his eye from twitching every time he walked past it.

*

Lina was sitting in her chair, reading, when Josh hurried to living room with a suitcase. "Babe, I have to go out of town – business trip. I'll be back Tuesday."

"Oh. Okay. I'll miss you," said Lina, surprised. He usually gave at least a couple of days notice for these things.

One foot out the door he called out his last words to Lina. "Try to get out of that thing, too, while I'm gone? You’ll have my whole place to yourself for the weekend. Enjoy it! Love ya!"

And there it was. Again. His place.

*

Lina sent the movers on their way with the chair and most of the boxes. The movers being her best friend Bianca’s brothers, of course.

She grabbed the last box, her bag and turned to the front door, taking one last moment in this seemingly perfect apartment where she had tried so hard to feel at home.

There had been moments when she thought she was close, but something was always missing. With Josh’s words, „It doesn’t go with the style of my place!” echoing in her mind, she started to realize that she was the one missing, or perhaps misplaced.

Every time it seemed like she had managed to paint the blank apartment with some life, some laughter, or cozy moments, a downpour in the form of a fight washed it all away. It felt as if she was only ever allowed to use chalk. An empty gesture. Temporary. Easy to wipe away and start over.

She never truly had the freedom to be herself in that magazine-cover-picture apartment, where colors were a crime and making a mess was punishable by at least a lecture. Joy had to be controlled, structured – one couldn’t just willy-nilly laugh at a joke or dance freely when listening to a favorite song.

There were rules for everything. The latest insanity Lina had tried to fight against was the one where Josh decided all the books now had to be on shelves backwards. The back with the title had to face the wall because the white edges of pages facing the room were apparently so much more aesthetically pleasing.

Lina quickly popped in Josh’s home office, dug out white Post-its and scribbled her last words: I need colour in my life. I need sparkles and magic in my life. I’m sorry. I wish you the best. Lina.

She closed the door and locked it, the key feeling heavier in her hand than normal. The door didn't close as easily as it used to. Maybe it was the weight of the memories she was leaving behind.

It felt as if the hours she spent admiring and painting the scenic view – the awakening city, the dancing shadows of the trees swaying in the wind, the breathtaking sunrises, along with the gallons of coffee she'd drunk there during the years – were all pressing against that door trying to grip her, to hold on, to make her stay.

Her heart raced when she pressed the down button for the elevator. Nobody stopped the elevator during this ride. It almost never happened, especially on a Saturday, no less. Lina took it as a lucky sign.

They had an ongoing bet with Josh – whoever gets to work and back with fewer stops on the way wins. Used to have, that is.

That’s the thing with break-ups – you think you leave to get rid of the bad things and leave them in the past, but you're also leaving the good times. They don’t magically come along. They are locked in this apartment as well.

The elevator bell dinged and the doors opened to the lobby. There were so many people hustling around, running in and out, and flowers everywhere. Men were carrying huge pots with plants, and Mr. Murphy, the concierge, was the conductor in the middle of the room, his index finger in the role of a baton.

Lina waited for a suitable moment to catch Mr. Murphy’s attention in all this. She waved a little, signaling she wants to have a word. He gave last instructions to the men carrying huge monsteras in the front door and turned to Lina.

"Good morning, miss! How can I be of assistance?" asked Mr. Murphy with a friendly smile, still keeping an eye on the men who had now reached the back end of the lobby.

"What is going on here?" Lina couldn't hold back her curiosity.

"They finally took my advice to liven up the place a little and brought in actual living plants. They give so much more personality to the place than the old, fake ones," he clearly took proudly all the credit for this update.

"That is a wonderful idea," agreed Lina sincerely, looking at all the new greenery around them.

The apartment key still heavy in her hand, Lina cleared her throat and turned back to Mr. Murphy.

"Um, I have a little favour to ask." She paused and reached out her hand with the key burning a hole into her palm. "Could you please give this to Josh when he comes back home on Tuesday?"

Mr. Murphy, now with all of his attention on Lina, looked into her eyes and heard everything she left unsaid.

"Of course, don’t you worry about that. Good luck, Miss Catalina! Au revoir!" said Mr. Murphy and opened the door for her for the final time, the same way he had been doing it every morning for the last two years.

The early spring air felt electric. It tickled Lina's cheeks like static when pulling a wool sweater over her head. Was she imagining it, or was the universe working overtime to bring her sparkles in record time?