A Beautiful Mind

A Beautfiul Mind

I rose with the morning sun. Lately I have been unable to stay asleep, tossing and turning throughout the night, no position seems comfortable, eventually forcing myself to get up knowing I will never get the adequate sleep I long for. Today, will be another caffeine filled day to help push me through it. I throw on my robe, pull my bedridden hair into a messy bun and walk towards the kitchen. The natural sunlight peering through the window above the sink is more than enough light to allow my brain and body to adjust. The smell of dark Italian toast blend lingers through the air as I pour myself a nice cup of coffee. The newspaper on the table is from over a month ago. I pull it towards me, reading the funnies as if I hadn’t done that over a hundred times already. They never get old to me. Finishing my coffee, I place it in the sink and head over to our bedroom, the room is quiet, not wanting to wake my husband, I tiptoe to the bathroom and turn the shower on. The hot water feels good, refreshing as my brain activates and becomes alive once again. Standing there I allow the water to wash over my head, drowning out all the sounds around me. I close my eyes and let my body succumb to the sensational feeling of contempt and safety. Like a warm hug wrapping itself around me. After several minutes, I finish washing up and turn the shower off. I get dressed quietly in my closet and make my way down the hall to our daughter’s room. I pull open her drapes ever so slightly. I don’t want to startle her. Walking over to the edge of the bed I sit and rub her back, “good morning sunshine. Time to wake for the day,” I say to her. Her little eye lids peering slightly open, she lets out a big yawn and a stretch, “mommy, I just want to lay here all day. How come we can’t do that?” She asks. Tickling her little chin, “because sweetheart you have school today, and sometimes even though we want to stay in bed all day. We still need to do them, even disappointing things like go to school or mommy and daddy having to go to work trust me if I could, I would lay in bed all day too. Especially here cuddling and tickling you until your tummy aches from laughing so hard,” I said as I leaned in and tickled her whole body. Giggling she rolls out of bed, “okay, okay, I will get up,” she says, moving sloth like to her bathroom. “Brush your hair and brush your teeth! For two minutes little miss!” I sternly.

“Yes mama, I know!” She says rolling her eyes.

Smirking under my breath, “what would you like for breakfast? Egos, oatmeal, yogurt? All three?” I asked.

“Mmmm, Oatmeal and yogurt please, with apple juice!” She quips.

“Okie dokie sweetheart, I’ll be in the kitchen,” I replied. Before I walked out of the room she peaks her head around the door of her bathroom, “wait mama, what’s the weather like for today?” She asks

“Will be cooler, so leggings and a long sleeve shirt with a light jacket, it should not rain today,” I replied. Her little toothless smile, “okay thank you!” She energetically replied and goes back to her morning duties. I walk to the kitchen; her father is still asleep. I make her oatmeal, maple, and brown sugar with a little bit of milk the. Grab a yogurt, paw patrol strawberry flavored and her apple juice. Placing it on the table for her. Few moments pass. I hear her footsteps dragging on the hardwood floors, making her way into the kitchen. “Mm looks good mommy thank you,” she says. I stroke her hair and kiss the top of her head. The smell of her hair radiates with coconut and vanilla the same scent as her shampoo. “You are very welcome sweetheart,” I say.

“I’m going to go up and get your dad up, finish your breakfast and when you are done, we need to head off to school. You don’t want to be late today,” I say I walk back to our bedroom, my husband still in bed. Covers pulled up to his neck and his head buried underneath the pillow as if he was a high school boy. “Hey honey, I’m going to take Grace-Lynn to school now, I love you and I will talk to you later,” I kiss his shoulder as I don’t want to wake him. He moves slightly but makes no sound. I know he was up late working so I don’t want to interrupt more than I already have. “Okay let’s go munchkin,” I say to Grace-Lynn as I grab her empty bowl placing it in the sink along with her empty glass and then tossing it g her yogurt in the garbage. I grab my bag and coat, and she grabs her backpack after putting g her shoes on! “Ready?” I ask

“Ready!” She replies and heads out the door to the car. Her school is a short 5-minute drive from our house. I pull up and park waiting for her gate to open. We are a little early. Grace-Lynn is listening to music as I answer emails from work. More parents start to show up as the time grows nearer to school beginning. I glance up and see Grace-Lynn’s friend Sasha. “Oooh mommy Sasha is here can I go out and play please!” Grace-Lynn excitedly exclaims.

“Yes, yes of course honey. Don’t forget your bag and your water and shut my door on the way out,” I say to her as she unbuckles from her seat grabbing her school bag and water. She goes to open the door, “Wait! Are you forgetting something?” I ask her. Turning to me with that little smirk of hers, “sorry mama,” she leans over and gives me a big kiss on the lips. “I love you, I will see you later today,” she says leaping out the back door. “I love you to baby girl have a wonderful day.” I reply, as she closes the door. I look up at Sasha’s mom, she is looking at me with somber eyes. I wave quickly and then turn my attention back towards the girls as I watch them both walk in the gate and begin to leave. I work mostly from home, so I head back and plug in for the day. My husband finally awake I hear the shower running, once he is done, he comes out onto my office and kisses me on the head, “good afternoon honey, sorry I slept in so late. Was up until 1 am getting that project finished and sent,” he says while beginning to yawn.

“I know honey, don’t worry about it, go get yourself a cup of coffee,” I say to him. He gets up and walks to the kitchen. “How was gravely this morning. I’m bummed I didn’t get to see her off to school,” he calls out from the kitchen.

“She was good honey, you know how she is not wanting to wake up for the day. Wanting to lay in bed, but with a little bit of cuddles and rocking she was up and ready to comp the day,” I replied. Walking back in from the kitchen. “That sounds about right,” He says, “you were up awfully early again this morning, everything alright?” He asks me.

“Yes, I have just been unable to stay asleep, I have this reoccurring nightmare about you and Grace-Lynn and I’m unable to fall back asleep after I awake.” I say

“I’m sorry honey, is there anything I can do? You want to talk about the dream?” He asks me

“No, hopefully with time it will get all sorted out and I won’t be dreaming like this anymore.” I replied. He smiles at me while sipping his coffee, leaves me to be getting back to my day. The hours press on and before I know it, it was time to get Grace-Lynn from school. Sitting in the pickup line I see all the other parents patiently waiting. 3:51, the teachers start coming out with all the students. I wait for Grace-Lynn’s class to walk out. I see her teacher as they get closer to the gate. My eyes move past all the other kids, trying to find Grace-Lynn’s face. I don’t see her yet; I wait for them to get closer. One by one the students start raising their hands as the texted and child confirm the parent picking them up. I still don’t see Grace-Lynn. Panic is slowly setting in, I move closer to the gate, “maybe I missed her,” I think to myself. I scan the kids walking out and I see no Grace-Lynn. I’m walking g back and forth against the fence line pacing as I go, I pull my phone out to call my husband, the phone keeps ringing and ringing before finally. Going to voice mail. Frustrated and fearful i call again, and again and once more. Nothing no answer. I see Sasha and he Mother Amber making there way over to me. Fear, panic, and frustration, all washing over me with so many horrible thoughts running through my head, “where was Grace-Lynn?” Was the biggest question on my mind. “Hey, Kate is everything okay?” Amber asks me. Her body language says I’m here to help, her face has sadness and worry written all over it. “I can’t find Grace-Lynn she wasn’t in the student line up and I can’t get ahold of her dad. I’m starting to freak out right now. I don’t know where she is at!” I panicky say. “Grace-Lynn!” I call out to her as I make my way through the crowd of people. Amber following behind me, “Grace-Lynn!” I yell out again. No one helps me; they are staring at me as if I’m crazy. “Where is she where is Grace-Lynn!?” I yelled out. Amber motions Sasha to go inside the car, “Hey, let’s take a seat over here okay,” Amber says motioning me to move away from the crowd of people to sit on the brick wall. “Okay, take on a few deep breaths and breathe in and exhale,” she says rubbing my back softly. “Okay, I want you to think about where Grace-Lynn might have gone,” Amber says to me. I give her a sharp annoyed look, “what do you mean?” I defensively replied.

“I mean what did you do this morning, walk me through your day,” Amber says.

“Ummm, I got up, I made my self some coffee. Then read the funnies in the paper, I took a shower and got dressed, making sure I was quiet. I didn’t want to wake Josh; he had a long work night. Then I went Grace-Lynn’s room and woke her up to get her ready for the day. She had breakfast, I talked to Josh before getting grace-Lynn off to school. I saw you and Sasha; she was with Sasha you saw her walk in the gate to head to class……” I paused. Amber looking at me, “I…. oh my gosh,” I said standing up. “Oh my god how could I… I’m so stupid…. I am so sorry!” I said putting my hands in my face, tears flowing down my cheeks. “It’s okay, you have nothing to be sorry for,” Amber says calmly. Looking around the room it was just me, white walls, and Amber my psychiatrist. I wasn’t at home, I was in a psychiatric hospital, “do you know where you are at?” Amber asks me. Peering around the room, “yes,” I say softly.

“Do you know why you are here?” Amber asks me. Closing my eyes, I clear my mind, “yes,” I say with a lump forming in my throat.

“Why are you here Kate,” Amber asks me

I take a moment and go back in my head through my memories and my thoughts, “I’m……” I say, “I’m here because….” Everything from that day floods my mind.

It was a beautiful sunny day, spring sunny day not too hot but not cold either. Grace-Lynn was having a tough time getting up for school, but with a little convince I was able to get her moving. Her dad was asleep in the bedroom he had a long night at work; I took Grace-Lynn to school as I do every morning and then returned home to work. Josh finally woke up to start his day. I was so busy with work I asked if he could get Grace-Lynn at school. Of course, with out hesitation he did just that. He called me on their way home and said he had to make a pit stop at the store. My birthday was the next day, so I had a feeling he was going to grab some things with Grace-Lynn. What was only supposed to be 20 more minutes turned into an hour then another hour. I got so caught up in my work that by the time I checked my phone and say the time I was shocked that they were still not home. Frustrated I called Josh and left him an angry voicemail wondering where they were and why he didn’t call me to tell me he was going to be so late. I called and called and called again. Night was beginning to fall as the sun was setting. My anger turned to fear and panic. I grabbed my coat and keys to go out and look for them. When I opened the door two police officer were walking up my driveway. “Excuse me Ma’am are you Josh Williams Wife?” One officer asked me. “Yes, is everything alright?” I asked.

Looking at one another I can tell there was something they weren’t being forth coming with, that’s when the other officer pulled off his hat, “ma’am, can we come inside and talk?” I knew then, right then that something horrible had happened “no! No, you tell me now! What happened to my husband and our daughter?” I firmly said as tears welled in my eyes. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but there was a car accident, several people were injured, your husband and daughter were among those who were involved in the collision. I am regretfully sorry to have to inform you that they both were killed instantly. I am so sorry ma’am.” The officer said. Falling to my knees I let out a blood curdling scream. My world everything around me had stopped. My husband. Our little girl gone from this earth. Everything around me was spinning. Nausea consumed me and before I knew it, I was vomiting on my front lawn. “Ma’am, do we need to call someone for you? Can we aid you with any medical assistance?” One of the officers asked. I had no words, unable to speak. I just curled up into a ball, rocking myself back and forth on my front lawn. Neighbors came rushing over, one by one as they found out what had happened. The officers called an ambulance, when they lifted the gurney into the vehicle everything around me went blank. The next several weeks were a blur. The funeral, the wake. My life at stand still. I had a nervous breakdown in front of my daughter’s school, threatening and being belligerent. Not knowing where my daughter and husband were. My mind, keeping me from knowing the truth. It blocked out everything from that day. Like it was putting a protective shield in my brain to only show me memories of the past and nothing from the present. My mind in a never-ending loop of the life I once had and awakening in this hell whole of a world where I am alive and they are not. That’s what landed me here, in a psychiatric ward, surrounded by people who too have broken minds like mine. I only want to remember them as they were, here alive and with me. I don’t want to live in the present. Several moments of silence go by, Amber still sitting next me. I look over at her, giving her a smile, “my birthday is tomorrow, do you think Josh and Grace-Lynn are at the store grabbing me a cake? They are taking an awful long time don’t you think?” I say to Amber. “Grace-Lynn loves picking out the cakes, she is such a sweet little girl. You will have to meet her one day soon! And Josh my wonderful husband always taking care of me, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have those two in my life.” I say to Amber. She squeezes my hand gently, “yes, yes they are I’m sure they will be back shortly, I can’t wait to meet them both.” Amber says smiling at me. My smile remains with my tear-stains on my cheeks. I pat her thigh and get up and walk towards the window. “They will be home soon. I and I cannot wait to hug and kiss them both. I have missed them so deeply.” I say to myself. My reflection in the window a woman who has lost everything in her life, stands there looking out the window imagining the life she had before the tragedy took everything from her. She stays, standing there looking through her reflection back into her beautiful mind where her and her family will live on for eternity.