Feathers Turned Into Faith

She'd been on edge all night after my mothers picture mysteriously fell to the floor earlier that evening. When it happened, my grandmother immediately picked up the picture, clenched my hand as tight as she could, then began to pray. My grandmother was a praying woman, she prayed for her family each and every day. She wasn’t perfect by any means, but her faith was unwavering, and because of her faith and her prayers I will always believe that I’ve been encompassed by a hedge of protection my entire life. As my grandmother sat still and silent in her favorite chair with such anguish upon her face I could see the beautiful wrinkles of wisdom in her forehead so clear that I can see them till this day. After dinner and a bath, I lay awake in my bedroom awaiting my mothers return like I always did when she wasn’t home before dinner. My mother would do this a lot, for weeks on end sometimes even, but she would always come back. I really thought that this night would be like all the rest.

The wee hours of the morning crept upon me as I tossed and turned, unable to sleep because I had this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. A loud,“bang!”rang from the front door and got my grandmother's attention. Immediately I felt that something was wrong, because if it were a family member at the door, they most likely had a key so there would be no need to knock. Then I heard my grandmother ask, “Who is it” to whomever was on the other side of the door. A deep voice echoed from the other side saying, “Police!” “Please open the door ma’am.” My grandmother opened the door to the Officer showing my grandmother what I can now assume was some form of identification that my mother may have had on her person because the Officer then asked my grandmother if she knew who this person was. In response, my grandmother said, “Yes, that's my daughter. What's the problem Officer?”

The next thing I heard changed the life of six year old me forever. The Officer responded and said, “ I'm sorry ma’am but I regret to inform you that your daughter has been the victim of a shooting, and she did not survive.” My grandmother let out this blood curdling scream that would have surely awakened me if it weren’t for the fact that I was already awake.

To be honest, at six years old I didn’t fully understand what was happening at the time, but what I did know was that my mom was hurt. What I found out later was that she was never coming home.

The summer of 95” was closely approaching and I was super excited that I was given permission to go down south with my Aunt Emma. My mother was the third daughter of four and Aunt Emma is my mothers older sister. She is the oldest of the four, so she has always made it her business to take care of the family. When Aunt Emma got older and heard the stories of my great-grandad she decided to make it her life's work to get his land back in the hands of our family, and that she did. Four years had passed since my mothers untimely demise and now that I had turned double digits my grandmother felt that I was now old enough to go away for the summer. My aunt was super excited to have me, she would make sure to write me on postcards that captured all the beauty that Gainsville had to offer. My mind was racing, thinking about the chance to get away from this place. I miss my mother, but each day here is a constant reminder that she is not. Having to see her pictures, clothes, and even high school trophies every single day is so hard. This is an opportunity I am so grateful for. Just to get the chance to lay in the field, look at the clear blue sky, and do nothing but breathe.

Driving to the country was so peaceful, sunshine radiating off of the beautiful mountians, fresh crisp breeze hitting every line of my scalp. Uncle Charlie drove all the way from Gainesville to get me because my aunt sent him to come get her chocolate drop. That was a nickname that my mother gave me and Aunt Emma has called me that ever since. Because it was only Uncle Charlie and I in the car, I had the privilege of sitting in the front seat during our ten hour ride down to Gainesville. I let my arm swing over the ledge of the window and I cupped a big ball of air as my hand uncontrollably fluttered in the wind. As Uncle Charlie stopped along the way for gas he made sure he never forgot a treat for me. I couldn't help but think that at my aunt's house I knew I was going to get way more hugs than did while at at my grandmother's house. I always knew my Grandmother loved me, but hugging just wasn't her love language. Whenever Aunt Emma visited she would shower me with love and gifts as if I was the only little girl in the world, she would talk to me like a big girl, kind of how I think my mother would’ve spoken to me had she still been here and for that I loved her so much. I helped my aunt cook dinner that night and my uncle kept saying how delicious it was which made me so happy. Aunt Emma said it was time for me to get washed up and ready for bed because we had a long day ahead of us tomorrow and I could not wait!

I walked down the long hallway into the bathroom to prepare for the night, closing the door behind me. Walking to the sink to turn on the water so it could warm, I then opened the window by turning the latch until the smell of the night air, mixed with flowers that were in constant bloom on this beautiful land filled both my nostrils. Looking up at the night sky, the stars were big and bright. The moon seemed so close that I could reach it and the birds sang as if the sun was shining instead of the moon. I walked back to the sink, grabbed the washcloth and wiped my face. I looked in the mirror and what I saw startled me so much I jumped back. It seemed as if my eyes changed colors to this almost glow in the dark type of green. Similar to the eyes of a cat but not quite. I knew I had seen these eyes before but I just could not put my finger on where. I ran to the window to feel the breeze once more and gather my thoughts about what I had just seen when I heard a faint “whoot whoot” in the distance of the trees near the barn, it was an owl perched upon the branch of the tree. I saw this same owl and a few others during my summer there. My aunt said barn owls have protected the property for years because my great-granddaddy died from owning it. She also said that the barn owls were the reincarnated souls of my ancestors and they will always protect me as well. I realized later during my summer trip the eyes I saw in the mirror that night were similar to the eyes of my great-grandmother. I had only seen a few pictures of her at home with my grandmother. My aunt had all types of picture books from the past that I had never seen before and I loved to learn more about the history of our family. Because of those pictures, the conversation I had with my Aunt Emma that first night became a conversation that I never forgot.

It is now my senior year at Stillman, I would often walk the beautiful grounds of the campus at night after a long strenuous day of classes. I always brought my binoculars so I could clearly see the beauty of whatever was to be seen or heard. One night while walking past Rector Hall I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I decided to sit for a spell and catch my bearings before I took the long walk back to the dorms. I sat down and began to take deep breaths to calm down, while breathing I could hear a familiar sound in the distance. A sound I hadn’t heard in quite a while, but nonetheless it was a sound that made me feel safe. I got up and began to walk until the sound seemed to be almost above my head. I looked through my binoculars. That's when I saw it, a barn owl sitting in the tree. This owl, just like the others I had seen in my lifetime seemed to have the eyes of someone I knew. Looking into the binoculars, I continued to stare deep into the eyes of the owl. Eventually shaking it off as lack of sleep and being overwhelmed with graduating on time, I finished the walk to my dorm and fell asleep for the night.

As I put my car in park and my feet touched the ground I realized it's been over a year since I've been back here to talk to you. Graduating summa cum laude this past fall with a degree in journalism, my one and only wish was that you could've been there to see me cross the stage. I got the call the next day after I saw the owl on campus and that's when I knew that owl was you, watching over me like you always did even with your prayers. I laid out my blanket, sat down my picnic basket, poured us both a glass of wine, then chatted with you about love, life, my career, and everything I could think of within those few hours I spent with you. Three weeks later I would be visited by yet another owl which I would soon find out was Aunt Emma. She had a stroke which led to her falling down the stairs only two months before she was supposed to attend my wedding.

Today is the day that I walk down the aisle and say vows to the love of my life and man of my dreams. I decided to get up that morning and take a walk on the beach to gather my thoughts before the ceremony that will change my life forever. As I sit and stare into the ocean the water and sand fill between my toes. I start to feel deep down a piece of me was looking for a sign, any sign. Something that let me know beyond the shadow of doubt I was supposed to be here, in this place, at this moment. I looked up towards the sky and, nothing. Then and there I decided no longer would I wait on what my thoughts told me I needed. I had to trust my heart and the fact that the love I am receiving, have been receiving, and will continue to receive will remain pure and true.

The ceremony was exquisite, everything was so perfect in its own way but still flowed like music from a sweet symphony. My husband and I worked so hard to make our day special, while also making sure to not break the bank so we would be able to afford our dream vacation. We decided upon taking a trip to Ghana for our honeymoon. The ride from the airport to the resort was one of the most humbling experiences that I have ever encountered. The beauty of the land compared to the pictures you see does absolutely no justice and to be able to experience this moment with someone whom I love so much makes this even more memorable. As we walked to our suite to get showered then grab a bite to eat before taking a short nap we decided to just go out later that night. We had become severely jet lagged from the plane ride and felt the need to take a moment and gather our bearings.

As we woke from our nap and stood on the balcony as we waited for room service to arrive with dinner before we went out for the night. I held his hand as I laid my head on his shoulder and we both looked at all of the beauty that surrounded us. As the bright night moon filled the sky with its glow, you could hear the birds chirp sweet melodies to each other while enjoying their own set of festivities that had nothing to do with the humans that wandered about on the roads below. I went into the room and got my binoculars to see what birds I could see. Even in the dark they were so beautiful. I looked among the trees and then I saw what I had been looking for, realizing then they were there all along. Two familiar barn owls resting on the branch of one of many baobab trees that surrounded the property. I stared for a moment, and shed a single tear. My husband then said, “Baby, do you see that?” I answered and said,” What hon, what do you see?” He said, “ The two barn owls, resting on the branch of the tree.” I had never told him about what my aunt told me as a child, or about what happened to me during my senior year of college, but somehow it seemed as if he just knew. He then proceeded to let me know that barn owls usually mate for life. Also seeing a barn owl relates to your skills, intellect, and ability to complete a task with everything you have right now. The barn owl is innovative, creative, and thinks outside the box. If you are trying to solve a problem, the barn owl asks you to look at the issue from a different perspective. You have what it takes to complete your goal. and it's funny, cause this is his fourth time seeing owls since we’d been a couple. I guess you’re stuck with me he says, then lifts my 4’11 inch frame off of the ground and spins me around while kissing my lips. As he puts me down, I smile and reply, “My family and I would have it no other way.” “You think so? He asks. I walk towards him, sit on his lap as he sits on the balcony, then give him a kiss powered with all the faith and assurance I had inside and said, “I know so.” I looked towards the owls as they began to fly away. I didn’t see an owl again until our son was born three years later; but after that night, I never took another step in life ever feeling alone, and from that moment on I knew that our son wouldn't either.