358 Memoirs of Eddie H. Christ, Jesus' Little Brother: Virginity

The whole thing of virginity is so crazy. It’s not so much the state of an intact membrane serving to guard what everyone says is sacred and holy…and quite a good time. The hymen—and I’ve never seen one, mind you—is just a physical reminder of something else altogether. I guess it’s like the tamper-proof factory seal that says a woman is "saving herself" for the man of her life.

Men don’t have a tamper-proof seal, because if they did, it would be self-tampered with about a million times before they lost their virginity. Of course, men don’t have to save themselves for anything. We’re pigs and proud of it.

If a man gets laid, he can still be upright, but if an upright woman goes down, she stays down. She has a stigma that men don’t have to worry about. Virginity in women has an expiration date, and it’s the day their tamper-proof seal is broken.

I guess it’s ironic, really. It’s so unfair that a woman losing her virginity is such a tragedy when men are allowed to lah-dee-dah their way into any orifice that seems to be vacant. When I asked Jesus about this hypocrisy that Judaism seemed to accept, his answer made sense.

“In the hypocrites’ defense,” he explained, “it’s just a way of revering women more than men. What’s wrong with that? Something we take for granted until it's lost. Virginity is beauty, whether you’re a man or a woman.”

“So,” I tried to understand, “it’s a way of admiring women more than men when assessing the ‘book value’ on the vaginas God gave them?” Jesus just looked at me, pitying.

“For the hypocrites,” he answered. “Like you.” Jesus had me pegged. Here I am, trying to grasp a beautiful concept, and he slips in a put-down.

“O.K.,” I said, “It’s too late for me. Too bad. I’m not losing any tears over it.”

“What’s too late for you?” he asked. “Are you telling me you’ve lost your virginity already?” We were twelve and ten at the time.

“Kinda,” I answered.

“Kind of? You’re kind of a virgin?”

“O.K., never mind. I’m still a virgin. O.K.? You caught me.”