1483 Alaskan Way Pier 59

Loosening her white knuckle grip on the steering wheel Isabel took a deep breath. Driving in Seattle always made her anxious. The bumper-to-bumper cars, their grumbling engines, and not knowing exactly where she was, or how to get to where she was going only intensified her already heightened emotions. Usually, he would be driving.

She followed the GPS directions without incident and was now arriving at the Pike Place Market Garage. Fighting back tears that now began gathering heavy in her eyes, she got her parking pass from the machine at the entrance of the garage. The anxiety had distracted her well enough while driving to deter crying but now alone in this parking garage nothing was stopping it. He should be the one driving. Isabel stopped in the middle of the parking garage and reached across the car into the glove box where her stash of leftover napkins lived. After taking out her nose ring and setting it on the dash, she blew her nose and wiped up the snot that had dripped down to her shirt. She focused on her breathing.

“Place one hand on your stomach and one on your chest and take a deep breath. Make sure your stomach is moving in and out with your breaths” Dr.Castillo had walked her through this belly breathing exercise to regain control for when her emotions become overwhelming. “Slowly in through the nose and slowly out through the mouth” Isabel heard her therapist's words echoing in her head.

“Beep beep!” A small car’s horn urged her to move. Quite startled, she redirected her attention to finding a parking space.

After parking, she was going to put her nose ring back in but found it had fallen off the dash. Isabel looked for it then finally gave up, grabbed her purse, and was about to walk over to the Seattle Aquarium when she remembered the last time she was in this parking garage.

“The two of us all alone in a parking garage” she whispered to herself and let out a small breathy laugh and tears began to well in her eyes again. Practicing once more the belly breathing technique, she settled herself, then stood up and walked to the aquarium.

Good memories and inside jokes like this helped calm Isabel even if the loss of her husband, Diego, still broke her heart. He was everywhere. They had taken every trip together, been to every restaurant in their small hometown together, and lived together. Everything she had and knew connected to Diego. She struggled to cope with her grief but had no other option and couldn’t avoid breaking down and crying multiple times every day. Dr.Castillo recommended Isabel think of the good memories they had shared and the mark he has left on the world. Isabel decided she needed to retrace a trip they had taken together to remember and accept that Diego is gone.

There was no line as she entered the aquarium and approached the front desk. She recalled waiting outside the aquarium and how they had held hands and made up names and stories for the people walking by.

“One ticket,” her voice squeaked as she handed over her parking pass, “and could I get a parking voucher, please.”

“Here you go,” said the woman at the front desk as she handed her the two little rectangles of paper, “enjoy the aquarium.”

Isabel walked further into the building. Past a window display, the gift shop, and some unremarkable fish she had previously spent quite some time observing. She wanted to get to the icy ocean waters of the tide pools. There weren’t nearly as many children here as last time and she didn’t have to wait to gently touch a sea urchin and wait for its spines to close around her finger. “A sea urchin hug” The supervising staff had called it. She thought of how the little spikeball creatures had freaked Diego out and she had to convince him to accept a finger hug. After he had placed his hand in the shockingly cold water and waited for the spikes to close on his finger, he decided they were cute. The memory felt so close and urged her tears forward once more. He should be here with her freezing his fingers in the tide pools and smiling at sea urchins. Recognizing her breathing growing faster and more shallow, she followed Dr.Castillo’s breathing remedy again. She felt a tear escape and pulled her hand from the water to wipe it on her pants while wiping away the tear with her opposite hand’s sleeve. Her hand had gotten a lot colder than she realized and she pressed it on her puffy eyes.

Walking past the curved tanks with jellyfish and octopi, Isabel made her way to the nearest bathroom. She went into a stall, closed the door, and allowed herself to cry. He is gone. She thought of how Diego had waited for her outside this very bathroom on their trip here. Then they went through a door across from there into an area with birds. She remembered how she spent too long watching the birds. He got bored but stayed patiently until she was finished looking. Otters had waited for them not too far ahead and they were his favorite. The memories calmed her down and she pulled her hair back into a scrunchie and left the stall. She splashed some cold water on her face to soothe her swollen eyes.

Heading in the same route she had taken before, Isabel went over to the bird enclosure. She looked out, spotting a few sea birds here and there, and walked disinterestedly along the curve of the viewing area. When Diego was there they had laughed and joked about some of the birds and it hurt that she couldn’t recall exactly what their jokes had been. She left the area with the birds much sooner than she would have if not for her grieving.

Isabel made her way down the ramp that led to the underwater dome and planted herself on a viewing bench. Setting her eyes on one large fish she mindlessly tracked it. The fish wandered aimlessly around its habitat then up directly above her head. She looked up at it until it was out of her sight then she faced forward again. She felt the numb peaceful feeling one gets after letting out their emotions as she watched the fish swim carelessly around their aquatic home. It didn’t feel good but simply not feeling bad was so lightweight. A small family entered the underwater dome and an excitedly loud toddler inspired her to get up and move forward.

The next tank was empty so she advanced up a ramp to find the otters. There are two otter enclosures at the Seattle Aquarium aquarium: river otters and sea otters. When Diego and Isabel had gone, the sea otter enclosure was empty. Now four otters were out swimming and floating on their backs. Diego had been so bummed to find the sea otter enclosure empty that day and she knew he would have loved seeing this otter floating on its back. She remembered the fun facts he shared about his favorite animal: they hold hands when they float on their backs and can pry open clams with their bare hands. Isabel weakly smiled looking through the glass and caught herself feeling almost happy. He wasn’t there, still, she knew these adorable otters would have delighted him and she felt a sense of responsibility to let herself feel something good. So she stood there and watched the otters, clinging to this okay feeling.

Families and couples passed her by and eventually the otters left to some hidden part of their enclosure forcing Isabel to move on. She walked by the seals resting peacefully out of the water on an artificial rock, then down a hall with flowing tanks of river fish, and stopped at the river otter tanks. That almost happy sensation didn’t reoccur leaving Isabel feeling empty and numb. She placed a hand on the cool glass and closed her eyes trying to remember something, anything Diego said or did when they were watching the river otters. She couldn’t think of anything and opened her eyes, looked out to the otters again, then turned and left.

You have to go through the gift shop to get to the exit and Isabel planned on leaving right away. As one foot after the other hit the floor walking through the giftshop, her throat began to tighten and three short breaths forced their way into her lungs. She looked up and blinked back tears and began her breathing exercise. “In the nose slowly. Out the mouth slowly.” She remembered Dr.Castillo comparing grief to the ocean and how it comes in waves that people can’t stop or predict. Sometimes it's calm, sometimes it’s overwhelming. All anyone can do is learn to swim.

Having regulated her breathing Isabel was ready to continue out to her car but stopped to look at something. On one of the rotating displays in the gift shop, there were magnets the shape of otters holding little pink sea urchins that had “Seattle Aquarium” engraved on the leg. That had been the souvenir they had brought home with them and it was still on Isabel’s fridge at home. It encapsulated the memories of their trip in a tiny ceramic body. She felt the magnet with a finger and a silent tear rolled down her cheek. She left the aquarium exhausted and set out to her car letting the tear dry on her cheek. This trip was incredibly challenging for her but Isabel knew she had to teach herself to swim.