10 Rules to be the Perfect Wife

I grew up in a house full of women. My mother died leaving my older sisters and I to be raised by our grandmother. We lived with our aunt and her two daughters, making a total of seven women in one house. Growing up surrounded by so much estrogen allows a girl to learn how to be a desirable woman with the hopes of marrying a rich man, but more importantly are the rules taught to me by my grandmother, the rules you must follow to keep him, the rules to being the perfect wife.

RULE ONE: KNOW HOW TO COOK

“A girl cannot call herself a woman if she can’t cook a simple meal for her family.”

My grandmother was always in the kitchen. Once she finished one meal she would clean and start the next. A girl should grow up in the kitchen, learning the many meals she can one day cook for her man. My husband’s favorite is my home-made lasagna. My three children are very picky eaters, they would never even look at such a meal, so I put in the extra effort of preparing two meals whenever I make my husband lasagna.

I spend all day cooking in the kitchen just as my grandmother did, I make sure to clean up the mess left behind before he returns home. Though it’s hard work, when I sit across the table from him and watch him inhale his dinner within two seconds after sitting down, leaving the mess behind for me to clean while he goes and falls asleep in front of the TV again, I know that it was worth it. And besides, being a good cook sets me apart from the blonde bimbos he hires to be his secretary that can’t even get his coffee right.

RULE TWO: THE CHILDREN ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY

“A woman’s sole purpose in this world is to have children.”

My grandmother was adamant that every woman must bear children, however many God intended for them. My husband and I have two twin girls, and our son who is just six months old. When your husband returns home from work it’s important that he gets a chance to relax without the distraction of children. Make sure to keep children’s toys and messes out of the living areas, and if possible have the children put to bed before he arrives home.

The most important factor about this rule is that you should ask for no help nor expect any. When you’re pregnant, keep your aches and pains to yourself, a man never wants to hear you complain. If a child needs caring for during the night, handle it quickly and quietly so that your husband can sleep. But most importantly, no matter how overwhelmed you are, never let him see you cry or he’ll think you're ungrateful.

RULE THREE: DON’T NAG

“Never nag him...it’s best to avoid arguments.”

Men should not be expected to do chores, that’s women’s work. The only chore that should be expected of a man to do is taking out the trash, and even then it might be too much for them to handle especially after a long day at work. Nicely remind them of their chore, but only once, anymore and it will be considered nagging. My husband gets annoyed by me quite easily. I used to remind him to take out the trash once a day, but it became too bothersome for him. So now I simply take it out myself, to avoid the argument just as my grandmother taught me.

RULE FOUR: NEVER REFUSE HIM

“A man has needs, if you don’t scratch that itch he’ll find someone else who will.”

This rule is important of course, because as a wife you must remember to please your husband. Even though you’ve spent the day cleaning the house and cooking the meals and taking care of the children and all you want to do is take a shower and go to bed, though you might even be too tired to do that...He. Has. Needs. Whenever he asks, the answer must be yes.

My grandmother made this rule clear to me, even as a child, but she never told me what to do if he stopped pleasing me. She never told me how I should react when kisses on the lips quickly become pecks on the cheek, or when he lays farther and farther away from me in bed. She never explained what I should do when I stand completely bare naked in front of him and the thought of touching me never even crosses his mind.

RULE FIVE: BE SUBMISSIVE

“Let your husband take the lead.”

Your husband is your provider, he makes the money which means he should make the decisions like what friends you can and cannot have. When you make purchases for things like groceries or new shoes for the children, you need to first ask for permission to spend his money. When he questions you on purchases that you’ve made, don’t be defensive, be open and honest. If I can give you one helpful tip to following this rule, keep your receipts, it’s easier that way.

RULE SIX: LEARN FROM YOUR MOTHER IN LAW

“Your husband’s first love will always be his mother.”

A man will never love a woman quite like he loves his mother. But something even more detrimental, he will continuously compare you to his mother, intentionally or not. His mother knows how to fold his shit stained underwear just how he likes, she knows how to keep a tidy house at all times of the day and night even with five kids running around, so why can’t you do it with three?

No matter how much you might hate her, or how much she might hate you, you smile politely as she teaches you the recipe to her chocolate cake that she made for your husband when he was young. And even though you follow the recipe, she’ll tell you it’s not quite right, and your husband will say “It’s not like what mama used to make.” So you’ll try again, hoping that just once the cake will turn out just like he likes it, but you know deep down that no matter how many times he tries it, his disgusting fat mouth will never say it’s good, or even a simple “Thank you.”

RULE SEVEN: BOYS WILL BE BOYS

“Men may wander, but they’ll always come home.”

A man may fuck any blonde with the legs of a flamingo, but it’s fine as long as he comes home to you at night. So though my husband likes to flirt with any girl that he meets throughout the day, even with me as an audience, and humps anything with a pulse like a horney lap dog, it’s fine. It's fine because he always returns home when he’s done, no matter how late. He comes back to me and the kids he’s bothered by, and allows me to perform my wifely duties like feeding him and cleaning his collard shirts that are soaked in the smell like that bitch’s perfume and sex.

The first time I caught him cheating on me I was meant to be visiting my mother with our girls, our son wasn’t born yet. I had to rush home to fetch something and I found them fucking in our bed. After she collected herself and left I had a fit, I screamed so hard I thought I’d split my throat in two. He ignored me at first, but when my screeching got too much for him he struck me with a closed fist. I was scared at first, but he explained to me he had to, there was no other way to calm me down. We agreed after that day that he would keep his affairs out of our home. Another piece of advice, start collecting vases now to hold your weekly apology bouquets.

RULE EIGHT: KEEPING UP APPEARANCES

“No man will stay with you if you let yourself go.”

If you begin to over eat and gain weight, you can expect your husband to be absolutely disgusted by you. So, no matter the number of his babies you push out you must always stay fit and lean. Never let him see you without makeup even in your sleep. More importantly, when you are out in public you must be the perfect representation of a beautiful woman. Your hair and makeup done, a beautiful dress but not too revealing. When you apply makeup make sure to cover the bruises as well, or people will talk. You can’t go around embarrassing your husband now can you?

RULE NINE: ALWAYS PUT HIM FIRST

“Keeping your husband happy should be your top priority.”

As a wife it is your responsibility to keep your man happy. For instance, whenever my husband is having a hard time at work he gets particularly ill-tempered. To cheer him up and save my children and I the burden of dealing with his hostility, I make him his favorite meal. And to top it off I make sure to bake the chocolate cake just as his mother taught me.

He didn’t even crack a smile when he saw the array of food I had set out for him on the table. He simply sat down and demanded a whiskey with his meal. I enjoyed watching him eat the meal I prepared for him, shoving bites too big for even a fucking lion down his throat. But when he was done, I got to watch him do it all over again with a slice of cake. I smiled as he was nearly finished, as I watched him drop the fork on the table and grab his chest. I was absolutely delighted when his face turned red, he got up from the table only to quickly fall to the floor. But my favorite part of all was standing over him as I watched the look of betrayal grow on his face and the light leave his eyes.

RULE TEN: THE GOLDEN RULE

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I guess that brings me to my last rule, one my grandmother didn’t teach me but rather a rule that I developed on my own. A rule I developed by first researching one important fact, and that being Compound 1080 is found in many household rat poisons. Simply crush a handful of pellets up and mix it into a meal, a drink or even a chocolate cake. If you use chocolate the dark color will mask the color of the pellets while the strong flavoring will mask the taste. Compound 1080 works quickly through your system, if you’re lucky like me it will cause cardiac arrest, leading the coroner to think it was a heart attack and not even bother with any testing. If you play your part, you can get away with it without having to try very hard. Force out some tears and tell the officers you don’t know how this could’ve happened. Your neighbors and friends will tell the police what a perfect wife you were and they’ll decide before long that there were no signs of foul play, and you’ll be left alone to clean up after your husband one last time.

One thing I can take away from my grandmother’s teachings is that a woman is nothing without a husband, and all men are better off dead. I’ll share these rules with my daughters when they’re older. I’ll teach them how to take care of their family, but more importantly I’ll teach them the golden rule, know your own self worth. I swear to teach them and guide them so they know what it is like to be a woman in this world, but I also swear to teach my son. I will teach him how to be loving and kind, but above all else, I will teach him the consequences of being a bad husband.