You get pumpkins after plants pumpkins, get beans after planting beans

You get what you plant.

Since my son turned teen the pain of being pushed away by him haunts me every day. Where is the clingy, bouncing, curious boy? Now a cold, distant, unappreciative little critter. If it’s a business I have likely made a bad deal: big investment vs. little return.

I called my mom. She raised three boys.

Me: “Mom, did you see it when we turned away from you, closed the door on you? Did you think that was a bad deal?”

Mom: “Firstly, never say raising kids is a deal, ever.”

“Secondly, you get pumpkins after planting pumpkins, beans after planting beans. You get what you plant. Don’t just look at your son, look at yourself.”

I try to recall the seeds that I planted in him. How stupid that after planting beans or even nothing, I want to get pumpkins. I must change it.

Time

I gave little time in early years now I ask for his full-time dedication.

The single most stupid thing I have done in my life is this: I was not there when he was born. I was in my early 30s, full of career ambitions, just got a big promotion. I was leading a big project in Germany. It was a critical moment. Blablabla~~~none of the reasons sounds remotely convincing today.

What hurts more, I can hardly remember the company’s name — and I am pretty sure — nor am I remotely remembered by the company today. The only family stays forever.

When I first saw my son, he was already three days old.

I came back to China two years later but still worked in another city. I commuted weekly for another 3 years or so. I still remember the nights when he called me in sadness, “Dad, when are you coming back to play with me?”

My wife had an even crazier career. She led some government projects that made her spin for five years non-stop.

Finally, I moved back to live with them. But I still flew around the world. A play with my son would easily give way to a phone call, a school sports day to a business trip.

Now I am frustrated that he doesn’t want to talk with me about his school, doesn’t want to sit in my car when I go out. He used to like sitting in the car next to me, asking stupid questions, roaming for hours. Now he wraps him in headsets or sits with his laptop, shuts the screen whenever I come close.

I know he is not punishing me for the time he lost. I need to tell myself, I just planted a bean, don’t expect a pumpkin.

Attention

I almost didn’t plant attention, why would I expect it now?

It’s different from time. Attention to remind him when he pushes another kid in the park, is not to talk about his personal issues in public, is to give him a high five when he brings home good scores.

Oftentimes, when he earned winnings after hard work I was not there to hug him.

More ironic, I used to be a fan of a children's education book. It said there was a country where people taught their boys about hardship at an early age.

They let the boy stand at a stair and fall backward, every time the dad would catch him before he hit the ground. They repeated the game until one day the dad let the son fall straight and hit the ground.

Then he would tell him, “Don’t trust anyone.”

Oh, the stupid young dads of the world~~ We either never show up, or we come to rip off their trust. As result, they lose trust in their parents, too.

Now he would rather talk about Kobe Bryant rather than his parents for a speech, refuse to open his door to greet our visiting friends. So often I am frustrated by the attention he returns to us.

Until one day I realized that adolescence has made them paranoid and bratty. They are doing what they think is right at their age like we did what we thought was right years ago when they expected the right attention from us.

It’s a fair game. Now I remind myself that I didn’t plant the seeds of attention, don’t expect to reap anything now.

Life dreams

I have planted too many seeds, they might have killed his own seeds.

We want our kids to fulfill our unfulfilled dreams. Scientist, athlete, doctor, a long list. They grow up with their own hero dreams, spiderman, fir fighter, ranger, pilot. Then they got lost. They pack their dreams, follow what parents and school tell them to do.

College is about two years away. I ask him about his college plan, he doesn’t want to talk about it. I admit.

Although we manage to maintain open discussions for the big decisions on his growth path, I always try to talk him into my plan for him.

We shout about “let them fly like birds” while not letting go of the string in our hands. We thought we have made the best decision for them, but we don’t realize that we have little knowledge about the world they now live in.

My mom told me, “Stop pushing him for your own interests. You gave me a very hard time when I did that to you. Thank God you didn’t grow into a criminal now.”

It took me a lot of courage to one day tell my son:

“Jack, whatever you have decided, I will support you. ”

Relationship

An unhealthy relationship may bury a toxic seed

Once asked what I would pick if I can only pick one trait for my child, I answered: kindness.

But humans are a freaky bunch on this planet. We tend to give kindness to strangers while treating families with the least. Although kids are carefree at an early age, the unhealthy relationship will sure plant bad seeds in them.

My marriage is a bumpy ride. I had career ambitions in my early years, my wife even crazier working for the government. Arguments and bickers were the family norm.

Since birth, my son has been serving as the tape to tie the family together — we never asked for his agreement. We thought we did it for him — the parents' sacrifice.

As he grows up, I realize that whether a complete family or not, an unhealthy environment will bury toxic seeds in his heart. They haven’t come out of the soil yet, but the damage is already done. He gives a gloomy face whenever I attempt to talk about the relationship between his parents.

I can feel there is a shadow in his heart where dark seeds are growing.

I pray he will see more beautiful things that will light up the shadow. I pray there are more seeds to be planted that will outgrow the dark ones. I pray I will not blame him should a bad seed come up. Together, we will fix it.

Summary

“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” — Leo Tolstoy

My mom’s words take a lot of weight off my shoulder. A bit easier now dealing with my son’s aberrant growth. Nothing is really wrong with them, they are acting with their rules.

We must know that we are no perfect parents at all and, more importantly, our kids are not punishing us for that. Our frustration largely comes from self-assumption, especially the delusion that we can get pumpkins after planting beans.

In the end, my mom’s words put me back to sleep:

“You worry not. They will come back to you after 25. They always love you.”