You and your actions

When discussing how to raise our daughter me and my wife came upon what I would imagine is a very common conversation to have, how do we explain right and wrong to our daughter. So being the over thinking person I am (Not to mention a strong desire to win every discussion.) I decided to make a multi circled venn diagram. Hopefully to help our daughter understand her actions or at least bore her into making good decisions. A nifty little diagram that will help explain how the world works (At least a little bit). At the top in green we have Encouraged Actions, on the left in sad blue we have Allowed actions and finally in the black we have punishable actions, sitting in the center is You, whoever you might be. I'll be spending the rest of the article explaining how this diagram works and hopefully it can help my daughter think about her actions more carefully.

Encouraged Actions

The actions that go in this bubble are best summed up as the ones that your community (Yes I know community is a very vague idea but I choose that one because it can be anything from your friends and family to government.) thinks is worth promoting. Some easy examples would be getting good grades in school, keeping a steady job or calling your mom on mothers day. Basically any action that you can technically not do without landing yourself in trouble but would at least warrant a high five if not higher honors. The reason this circle is labeled Encouraged and not say good or just actions is that when my daughter is thinking about her actions and believes it might go in this circle, I want her to think, why someone thinks this is a good idea and if she agrees or not. Some actions aren’t black and white, there is a lot of nuance out their. A clear example is should the dog get to sit on the couch, people have varying opinions on this subject and no one is really right in my mind. Than again I'm betting a few of you out their think dogs on couches is preposterous! Sorta proving my point. Hopefully having this circle and explaining it the way I am will teach her to examine not just her community but her place in it. While I would like to think we will always be on the same page, I know my daughter will need to follow her own path and find her own place in the world, even if I don't necessarily agree with it.

Allowed Actions

Things that fall in this circle are the flip side to encouraged actions. No one is going to arrest or fine you for doing these things but they will look down you and many actions that can be found in this bubble can inspire quite a bit of guilt in a person. A classic example is one night stands, no one is going to arrest an adult for having sex with someone they barely know. They might however give that person the stink eye or chastise them for their promiscuity. This obviously varies from culture to culture and even from family to family. Another hard part about many behaviors that fall into this category is that often they aren’t looked down upon for a single use but when done habitually. A most perfect example is sociable drinking, most people would encourage a person to let loose and have a few drinks once in awhile. Go out drinking every night and people are going start thinking about an intervention. Actions in this circle are weird and hard to wrap ones head around and many times might immediately pleasurable results in the moment but are destructive down the road. Hopefully when my daughter is looking at this diagram she will ask herself why isn’t this action encouraged but yet not punished? Is it something I can do once and be okay, maybe once in awhile and when does it become a problem. Also what is peoples problem with it and do I agree? I hope that she will have the courage to do a few things in this circle for her own personal growth and that she will have the foresight not to get carried away and hold her head high no matter the backlash but still be able to lead a successful life.

Punishable Actions

This category is pretty simple. Things that fall in here are the deeds deemed to heinous to be left unchecked. Typical example are murder, rape, theft, and putting drinks on tables without a coaster! (Kidding about the last one...sorta) Its important to understand that actions have consequences and anything that falls in this category often ends bad for all participants. Although things can move from this category (Looking at your marijuana.) it is often a long arduous journey to get there. Not everything in this bubble is as cut and dry as one might think though. Example, you can get fined in Inglewood for not reporting that a household has a new washer or dryer installed (Or at least that was the case when I was kid, feel free to check me on that.).Why? No idea but yet people still have to abide by the silly rule lest they be slapped with a fine. Granted if you don’t get caught, your no worse for ware so for many there is a risk reward scale to be balanced when contemplating future actions. I know many probably think that I shouldn't share that with a child but I guarantee she will figure it out on her own. So I'd rather be the one to talk to her about it. Again all I can hope for is that when my daughter finds herself staring into this bubble, she thinks long and hard. Even if she might disagree and realize its stupid to punish people for it (Again looking at you marijuana.) all I can hope for is that she makes as informed a decision as possible.

You

In the center circle is you and everything that you as a person do. Good and bad, you are at the center of your venn diagram. My plan with my daughter is too have this hanging up somewhere and when she is unsure about what will happen when she does something or just is curious she can look at these four circles and see where her actions might fall. Hopefully she will ask us questions and we can help her play out scenarios in her head. Keep those critical thinking muscles in shape. I keep this circle in the center because I want her to understand that everyone does things in all three circles and that those actions are YOU both the good and the bad. The important part is to know who you are and try to be who you want to be.

I've kept a picture of this venn diagram on my phone, in the background behind my apps. Thinking about it occasionally throughout the day, wondering where do my actions belong, how are they perceived. For me it's helped, I find myself not only more empathetic but also able to think through my desires and find personal justification for certain things that I had felt guilty for before and can explain myself better, helping others to understand me as well. I hope that my daughter will get some use out of it too and who knows maybe some else out their will benefit from it as well. If nothing else I hope it has helped you get to know yourself a little bit better.

I fell awkward typing this (But I saw it in another article so thought I'd give it a shot.) but if you liked what you read or are just feeling generous please feel free to leave a tip. Regardless thank you for reading this far.