WTF do you mean “I wasn’t wanted”
The life of Jenny Davis
”How does it feel to know that you weren’t wanted?” I will never forget that question I was asked. I was 12 years old and started middle school at “THE” best private school in Orlando. (Hindsight is definitely 2020). Everyone already knew each other because they had been together since Kindergarten and lived a few miles apart from each other and that was only because their family homes were that big. Already nervous to find my place and try to make friends I walked into my first Bible class ever after my very lonely lunch. As I take my seat and everyone settles in the teacher opens up and asks “Is anyone hear Adopted”. Well shit I raised my hand so high and proud. I thought this was my moment, this was my moment to connect. Well I looked around and realized I was the only raising my hand. He proceeded to ask me my name and then he asked me that question that changed my opinion of myself for the rest of my life. “How did it make you feel to know that you weren’t wanted?” WTF do you mean I wasn’t wanted?? Who didn’t want me? Why didn’t they want me? You mean someone didn’t love me and got rid of me? Was I not good enough? Did I cry too much? Was I an ugly baby? What the hell do you mean someone didn’t want me?? All the thoughts that ran through my head as I stood up and ran out of classroom crying. I called my mom and said I wasn’t wanted? That’s what adoption really means? I remember it like yesterday as my mom pulled into the drop off area and ran to me as she saw her baby girl crying and heartbroken. That day forever changed my life and how I perceived myself. I had so many questions. I was so confused. From day one my parents always told my brother and I that we were adopted. Every night I laid my head down to go to bed underneath a picture that read “You are special because you were chosen”. How could I be special when this man who taught about Christ and Bible tell me I wasn’t wanted. That day is the day that I unfortunately let define me and little did I know that little moment would have brought me to where I am today.
Next chapter to come..stay tuned.
About the Creator
Jenny Davis
I am 36 years old and decide to share a piece of me with the world in hopes that someone out can relate or find hope and encouragement.
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Let’s break up..PLEASE!!
We are done!! Over!! Never again!!! GOOD FUCKING BYE!!!! We have been together for over 15 years now and I am sorry but it’s not working for me anymore. You have become so selfish and manipulative, and most importantly abusive. I guess I can’t blame you entirely, I allowed it to get this bad. I guess I just held on to the past and thought about the good times we shared. I remember it like yesterday when you came into my life. My neighbor introduced us and although nervous at first and shy I decided to get to know you. We all went out and had a few drinks and enjoyed the downtown night life and for once in my life I was care free and alive. You made me feel so alive!! I wasn’t sure if I would ever see you again after that night but you were very persistent and I enjoyed having you around, I felt like I could be the real me. I loved you for that. You lit a spark inside me that made me believe that I was holding back this whole time and had sooo much more to offer. I remember when I brought you to my job for the first time. “Wow Jenny you have a glow about you tonight” “ Omg table 14 loves you and wants you to take care of them next time, great service tonight!” At that very moment I truly believed it was because of you. You ignited my soul, again, you made me come alive. I remember that very same night laying down and giving thanks that you came into my life. I always thought I was out going and social but NOW I mean NOW I was the REAL me!!!! The saying is 100% true “hindsight is 20/20”. I am not going to lie things were great at first but then you never gave me alone time. Constantly wanting to spend time together WE HAD to be together, cause if not people would know the truth. The truth....the truth that you weren’t my everything, you didn’t really make me feel alive, all you did was help mask the pain and hurt I had pushed down and didn’t want to come up. I mean people always say to take your worries away focus on the positive. Well my positive from the age 22 was Cocaine. Many of you would have believed to this point I was talking about a intimate relationship with another being. Well coke was that partner for me. Little did I know 13 years later I would have been by a lake praying to God asking why? Why do I have to live when all I do is cause pain? Why am I this way? Why can’t people love ME!! The real ME!!! That night I was told to kill myself because I would do everyone a favor. Was I that horrible? Had things gotten that bad? And the answer was YES!!! I had been kicked out of my home living in my car, raped beaten and completely alone. The once amazing partner that had brought me to life was now killing me. That night I checked myself into rehab and never thought in a million years that rehab would help. WRONG!!!! I had never seen life in a better light than I did when I was sober. Sober! Holy shit!! It was amazing!! Absolutely incredible! Until 7 months later I was dealt a similar situation of feeling not wanted shamed and not enough. And BAM....My soft crystalline friend showed up. This time was different though. I did NOT feel alive like I was did, I did feel loved or wanted, I felt like scum. What the hell happened to coke? Do your trick? What’s going on? I never knew til that very moment that I had such a close relationship with this drug because I had a lot of things I suppressed and pushed down and couldn’t deal with. I was diagnosed with Major depression. general anxiety and PTSD. I had been using coke to self medicate because in my mind it worked. And I’m not going to sit here and bullshit you, it did work, at one point. But in the end made my mental illness and past trauma worse. I struggle every day with the urge to use coke, to mask my insecurities to deal with life, to freaking adult for the day. I have slipped numerous times but I at a point in my life I want to breakup for good with my first love. Life is going to be rough and some days I will feel like dying but with right medication the right support and that “hindsight” I choose to LIVE! I choose to live flaws trauma baggage and all! I choose to be Jenny Davis. NOT a side piece to a destructive manipulative and abusive partner. GOODBYE!!!
By Jenny Davis 5 years ago in Psyche
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