Wise Grandmother

The day is warm, but the weather has shifted from feeling like almost spring to winter again, as it often does this time of year. It is now wildly windy, the type of wind that makes any small task seem like a complete inconvenience.

The house is clean as it always is, and I can smell a vanilla candle burning somewhere. My mother’s favorite. I always find it to be calm and warm in this house. But today is different, the air is dense, so dense that I can almost see the space between me, and my family scattered about the living room. My mother is on the couch with my father next to her, holding her hand. My sister Juniper is looking out of a big window that faces the street where we used to play as children. My grandfather, is propped up ever so stoically on a gray recliner, looking blankly in no specific direction.

My mother has called my sister and I over to share information with us. As she begins to speak, the words seem to blend together. I have never really been that good at receiving uncomfortable information. I am listening, and I can see her lips moving, but I am having a hard time hearing her. I am feeling so uncomfortable right now. I can feel the tightness of my jeans, it feels like I’m wearing two pairs of socks all of sudden, and my ponytail is starting to pull at my scalp. It’s really hot in here.

“Hey guys, is it hot in here?” I ask.

“Jeanie!” I hear my name, and it feels like I’m dreaming as I open my eyes to my sister Juniper.

“Jeanie!” My sisters voice again.

“Yes, yes, what happened?” I mutter as I begin to realize that I am lying on the ground.

“You fainted Jeanie.” Says Juniper.

I told myself that if I received a sign like this that I must make the move. And this is officially my sign. I know it. Every ounce of my being screamed it when my mother shared the news with us. It’s amazing how I knew it instantly, and although I could feel it, my brain wanted to reject it. The idea of giving it away crossed my mind, just throwing away this golden ticket, and completely self-sabotaging the opportunity that I have been praying for.

It’s funny how this stuff is; the mind, signs and the universe working to ensure our success. Life had stopped happening to me so soon as I noticed that I could be responsible for my own destiny, and sure enough, the information began to come. But this, the ambivalence of it all, was a little overwhelming. Never did I think that it would come in this way.

We say our goodbyes, my mother gives me another cool towel, some water for the road, and I assure her for the sixth time that I am okay to drive home. I tell my mother that I need the time to process, but really, I know what I need to do. I get in my car and begin driving.

$20,000 dollars isn’t that much money, and it certainly doesn’t substantiate my grandmother’s death. However, it is exactly what I asked for, and I cannot turn my head from that truth. I can almost feel my grandmother’s energy in the money when I held it in my hand. How fabulous of her to leave us with this money the way she did, in cash alongside a little black book.

She always had these sturdy black books lying about so that she could pick one up and write something down if need be. She was notorious for stopping us mid-sentence and totally interrupting a moment, just to take a little black book out and write down one of her revelations. No one ever knew what she wrote in them, and frankly out of respect, we didn’t ask.

See grandma was a bit of a psychic or seer. I imagined that she was interpreting the world through the messages that she seemed to be receiving. Who knows where those black books are now? Perhaps they are piled up in a box somewhere with explicit directions on what to do with them. She liked to give directions that woman. Directions that warranted a response, because when she spoke, you listened. She had that sort of presence.

She was really disappointed when she found out that I was moving in with Timothy. I don’t think she expected me to stay with him this long. She would always tell me that I need to have my own experience of life. And then she would add, but if I didn’t listen to my intuition and signs, that eventually decisions would be made for me. We grew apart as I drifted further away from respecting her wisdom. Hurts to think about now that she is gone. She knew that I had a gift, and she was always trying to bring it out in me, but I wasn’t ready.

Timothy doesn’t get home from work until 6:30pm, which gives me 4 hours to get everything in order. That doesn’t seem like much time to do what I need to do, but since I have been planning this in my head for quite some time, I think it will go very quickly.

I have been dreaming of this other life, and well, I have been doing the work, so it’s no surprise that the opportunity has arrived. However, I wasn’t expecting it to come this way. Then again, we never do, right? Know exactly how things will show up in our lives once we begin to ask and do the work that we see them through. We can only guess, until that time actually occurs.

My grandmother was sick for some time before this passing, but she was versed in ancient medicine. She managed to maintain all her own health through herbs, her prayers and an onslaught of self-care practices that kept her feeling well after she was told of her cancer. She would tell us that she didn’t believe in her diagnosis, and that when it was her time to go, that she would leave with a smile on her face. And I imagine that she did.

My mother told us that our grandmother knew she was passing as it was happening, and that she requested that it stay between my mother and her. When my mother shared the news with us, she maintained complete comfort and calmness. She told us that Grandma left us information in these black books along with the money to carry on her wishes.

And here I am. I am not hurt by my grandmother’s death because she would only have that I see it as a shifting of energy. I do wish I would have maintained a better relationship with her and learned more of her wisdom. A chill comes over me and I hear, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I arrive in front of my home, turn off my car, and begin to walk up to the door, my attention is drawn to white roses that line the entryway. A rose garden I wanted so bad, that Timothy eventually became the sole caretake of. I never really had a green thumb. I can smell them now and they aren’t comforting as they once were. In fact, the smell of them almost itches, and I can feel a sneeze coming on that I shake it off with a wiggle of my nose.

I take my keys to the door and make my way into a home that no longer feels familiar to me. I am fine with this. This is what I have been praying for. And then, I begin to feel the trembling of my breath, the beating of my heart, and the fear of the uncomfortable upon me. We are never really prepared, are we? For the big steps. We just step into them, and shift as it occurs. I take a deep calming breath and exhale the uncomfortable feelings.

I walk up the stairs to my bedroom that has a draft from a window that Timothy must have left open earlier today. I like the draft right now as it frees me from my focus on my physical body. I sit down on the bed and allow myself to fall backwards, I feel the air swirl about the room. In my left hand is Grandmas little black book and I open it. Her words written in majestic calligraphy,

Jeanie,

I love you. I have always loved you. I know that you are still making sense of things within you, and I also know that you need to work quick, so I will leave the pleasantries aside for now. I am within you, my wisdom and words, live inside you. You can access them whenever you feel the need.

I have left you this $20,000. You have had this calling for quite some time, now to take off and honor your soul and your gifts. This is your time to shine my dear. Your parents know, and they support you. Take all the time that you need. As for Timothy, he is a good man, and you are good woman, but you know that it is your time to part. He will be fine my dear. Give him your best and take the money to the destination that your heart desires. Give yourself time and space to dream, to travel, and to experience. Wherever this journey takes you, you are protected. You have everything you need already my dear.

Yours,

Grandma

I flip through the rest of the book just to peek, and I can see that she has left me pages and pages of prayers, messages and little pieces of her wisdom to support me on my way. There are a few blank pages in the back of the book, I tear one out, and close the book.

I need to write Timothy something, and I do. I don’t need much. I use the time to put my clothing, beauty products, pictures, and keepsakes in some plastic bins in the garage that I label, ‘Give to my mom.’ I place the letter to Timothy next to the bin, and I take another one of those long calming breaths. I feel my body relax.

Everything that I think I’ll need, I pack up in my car. It takes me less than two hours to pack up. During this time, the fear transforms into excitement and that shortness of breath starts to feel like fullness of breath.

I take a moment to look at the house before getting in the car. I stand there, both feet planted firmly on the ground. For the first time in a long time, I can feel my own energy. A surge of strength and power runs along my spine. The top of my head tingles, and a download of information fills my mind. I get into the car, pull out of the driveway, and I don’t look back.

The wind has subsided, and the sun shines through the clouds. Emersed in the moment, layer by layer, I dawn myself.