Windows To The Soul

It's Friday morning, and I'm taking Alder street to my annual check-up. It doesn't seem that exciting, but routine is what gets me out of bed these days. It would please you to know that the old Suburban is keeping up with the times, though. So, that's something I'll add to my list of things to be grateful for. You always told me that's what I should be; more positive. Doesn't seem like it's saved me any grief throughout the years; it just makes me miss you more. I guess it is what it was then, a lot easier said than done.

I get my temperature taken at the door; luckily, I'm still warm despite this aching feeling in my chest. The staff gives me a seat, and I wait six feet apart from everyone feeling more out of touch than ever. A nurse calls me back into the room, and I stare blankly at her. I couldn't hear her for a moment and blame it on these damn masks, but it was just an excuse for me getting lost in my own head.

She takes my blood pressure - it's high. But, I didn't need a doctor to deduce that. We go through my usual history, but they avoid asking me if there have been any changes. They must have heard about your passing. Word moves quickly in this digital society. Hell, they may have known you were gone before I did. In fact, Doc didn't ask much; suppose he doesn't want to pry. Usually, I would find myself upset, calling out poor bedside manner, but I know you always said that pride is my vice. I never believed you then. But, I uh- I'm trying to remember everything you said... and did.

Like, how we used to spend the mornings together watching the sunrise while you drank tea and I drank coffee. Yes, that's right, Doc with two heaping spoonfuls of sugar. I know it doesn't help my diabetes, but at this point, it serves the heart. Ach, I know that it's not all medically accurate. What I mean to say is that at this point, nostalgia is what keeps her here. I may have a mind that's weary and feeble, but I can survive the rest of my days with a memory of a good cup of coffee, a quiet morning, and her.

Maryanne was always delighted in the morning. No, it wasn't so much cause she relished in the idea of waking up to me. Although she was too kind to say it, she loved the opportunity of what the day might bring. Most importantly ever called them, but I'm sure they have names. You knew all of em, didn't you, Maryanne? She always told me that whichever one came to your home was an omen. Hmph. I guess I missed the one this morning and maybe even the last couple of days. I think they only wanted to came to visit you, Hon.

Doc gives me a prescription, and I hesitate at the front desk. This was the only interaction I've had all week. And, yes, your mom has been calling to check on me. I guess she's forgiven our argument from last Christmas. I suppose it all seems a little pointless now.

I run to get some drive-thru food, just what the doctor ordered, mind you. Only this once, Maryanne, it will be our little secret. At this point, I don't know what's doing me more harm, old habits, or these meds. I try to talk through my bloody mask and hesitate at the speaker, hesitating from its dull groan. It reminds me of you through veiled walls of plastic. What a kind of Hell that must have been like. I couldn't imagine it until it happened to us. I didn't think it was possible to see you in such a distorted view. You were in pain, and it was the one time I properly found courage in myself to be the man you needed. I just wanted to cry with you and tell you it's okay and that you would be all right. I would have justified lying just to give a second of ease. I guess as fate would have it, my karma would befall on me. It was too much to ask for a little repentance, I suppose, even at the end. The car behind me starts to honk. I guess I'll make it a combo.

I drive to the store and finish up the grub in my car. Food doesn't taste as satisfying as it used to. I figure it's not as much fun if I don't have you yelling at me for it. In hindsight, I just liked the reminder that you cared. That we were both warm and breathing, thinking about each other. We got bad at saying it sometimes. But, positivity, right? I'll thank the Heavens for the nutrients in this food and carry on with my day. There are some nutrients in here, right? I laugh. I know you're shaking your head from wherever you are.

Walking around the store, I don't see much selection. Just people rushing around, and for the life of me, I can't tell if they're smiling at me or not as they pass. Funny, I thought eyes were the doorways to the soul, but they all seem fractured now. Vacant, in fact. Guess I'm one to judge, huh, Maryanne? You make me bias, though; your eyes were never like that. Yours were always kind and full of joy. I would almost giggle like a schoolboy when I caught you looking more than two seconds. It never took more than that. Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, I guess. I grab some oats to help with the cholesterol and look down the cereal aisle, and smile. "Yeah, yeah." I think. "Not today" as I wheel to the checkout.

There's an argument across the store, people yelling at each other in their heated opinions. If only I could muster up enough energy to talk about us, Maryanne. But, I don't know what good it would do. I don't think anyone listens to anyone anymore anyway. Well, I guess I didn't, so why do I expect anyone else. I got the oatmeal, though. I think I can hear your voice tell me that I've done well. Hmm.

Finally heading home, and I feel like a small blood cell going through the veins of the highway. All these red lights can blind out what's left of the sunset. It's a shame to know that all these people have somewhere to go with people they love, and they use that time to rush and get ahead. I remember those long drives on the backroads when we didn't think we had time. Remember those? We were spoiled, Maryanne. We knew more about living than these folks nowadays. Eh, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I make it home and open the door timidly. I never understood the difference between a house and a home. I always thought it was a matter of occupying space within enclosed walls for shelter. I didn't realize the implications of a weak foundation until the storm welcomes itself inside. I also didn't recognize the lump that would form in my chest every time a door opened to an empty room. Perhaps, that's part of my karma too.

I sit down and try to catch what sliver of light I can and embrace how frigid it is out in the country. It's... nice. "I enjoy the cold," I tell myself while squinting my nose. Never thought those words would come out of my mouth. I go back in the house and grab a blanket and some coffee just to "enjoy" it a little more. It's perfect. It sets a scene anyway. One that you created. On this porch and the yard, I can see memories of you rushing through the garden. Never quite knew what you did out here, but I can see why you loved it so much. It's perfect.

I drink some coffee and take deep breathes—first hearing myself and then the echoes of the wind. Gradually a raspy sound resonates from afar. I suppose it is getting awfully late to be sitting outside. One of these critters will think this place is up for rent; it's so quiet. Well, maybe, I'll need a roommate to make ends meet. Do you think you can charge a little raccoon, Maryanne? What's the currency conversion for a handful of berries? I don't think it will get me very far, but maybe it will be nice fixing to the oatmeal.

I smirk; I guess I have always laughed at my own jokes, but only cause you knew the punchlines. Often, at my expense. The gravelly noise continues, so I begin shifting in my seat. When did this porch furniture get so low to the ground? I start to maneuver myself up, and to my incredulity, my gaze meets eyes of ebony. An ashen and lanky face looks back at me. I've never seen an owl so bold. It almost makes me feel bashful, at it fixates on me. I can't be that interesting, but I remain seated to enjoy its company. It's head rears, and it scans the perimeter of our yard. Hmm. This must be what you always talked about; these little omens that they bring. I don't think I can understand much of its meaning in words, but I know now it's feeling. Just another being to show the wonder of the world, it's beauty, it's authenticity. Maybe, its omen was peace, or at least it's the message. It leaves almost as quickly as it comes, and I watch it's widespread wings graze your kingdom and giggle. Thanks for a visit, Hon.