Why Bribes Don't Work

We’ve all done it.

Sometimes it works in the moment, sometimes not.

And when it seems to work, it only changes the behavior of our kid with the person doing the actual bribing (same as punishment or shaming – but that’s another topic). Bribes are also only a short-term fix. They do not create sustained positive behavioral change.

Another issue is that the bribe is eventually not ‘enough.’ Let me explain. Think about dopamine – that “chemical messenger” often related to motivation and pleasure. With being given outside/external motivators, our kids eventually need a bigger bribe for the same result. Suddenly, buying them one toy if they’re “good” in the supermarket turns into a tantrum for 2 toys. Sometimes it seems like this is the only way to get our kids to behave or do the things we want them to. But what if we took a different approach? What if we thought about behavior as the building up of a person? What if instead of having to bribe our kids, we could teach them to be naturally motivated?

Life is overwhelming. And while it can feel like the days are long, childhood is short. Let’s look at the long game. Let’s look at the goal of raising kids…

Isn’t it to raise responsible, successful, happy adults? Sure. But this takes time and intention. With our busy lives, sometimes this seems impossible. However, if you think of it as a small investment now for a large return later, you actually end up saving. You save on frustration. You save on less intensive behavior challenges as your child gets older. And, most importantly, you save on your relationship with your kid.

When we focus on developing intrinsic motivation (originating from inside of us) over extrinsic motivation (originating from outside of us), we are doing just this: investing in our children. And we are facilitating the development of emotional regulation, critical thinking, and rational motivation that does not rely on someone offering them a reward for doing something they should be doing.

Now let’s revisit dopamine. Motivation and pleasure, right? Getting what we want feels good. And if it happens immediately, even better, right? But especially so with kids. So, with developing intrinsic motivation, we’re not thinking of a quick fix here. What we are talking about is a journey that will provide a tremendous amount of pride and feelings of accomplishment that our children will come to rely on themselves for. And this doesn’t just make for responsible kids, it makes for confident and driven adults.

So, what does intrinsic motivation look like?

Here’s an example:

“If you have a good week in school, I’ll take you for ice cream on Saturday.”

WHY is this not cool? Because this is vague. We say kids know what it means to “be good.” But when your kid is caught talking in class, I guarantee you they were not thinking about how to sabotage having ice cream with you this weekend. Also, doing this is using your relationship with them against them. When we work so hard to connect with our kids, why would we want to attach a condition to it?

Instead say: “Your teacher has noticed that it’s been hard for you to wait until class is over to talk with your friends. This makes your teacher sad and they feel like you don’t respect them. Let’s think about tools to help you when you get bored or distracted during class.”

WHY is this better? Here you are identifying positive assumptions about your kid wanting to show people they care (even if it seems like they do not). You are also creating awareness about community and your child's contribution to it. And you are assuming that they are capable of addressing this concern. You are then working *with* them rather than *for* them. And, again, you are teaching them that they are capable of problem-solving. And how great does that feel?!

Now… be warned. This approach does not usually come naturally. But consider one way you can start to work at this today. One step at a time is how a beautiful childhood is created...