Who do you miss the most from your childhood?

I am absolutely heartbroken this week. But I bury it and just DO.

My grandmother- she was a spitfire and single-handed raised 4 kids in Puerto Rico, 2 grandkids in Orlando and one great-grandson in Alabama. Everyone loved and feared her. Abuelita spoke her mind, supported so many people with her little gifts and cooked up a storm. Each meal was prepared based on flavor alone, she was unable to tell you measured ingredients.

She loved her great-grandson and granddaughter like her own children and moved with them up to Huntsville Alabama when she got a career change. Abuelita loved LOVED the seasonal weather and the low hills, especially the areas with tall flowering trees. She loved gardening and the smell of fresh herbs in the morning.

We miss her and her sassy character daily. My uncle talked to her every night on his evening freight routes claiming “each route had her talking to me about life, family and experiences- I will be so lonely.” While driving semi-trucks is exciting per all the interstate scenic routes, it’s also dangerous and risky. Our last three-way call with my uncle and aunts surprised me as no one stepped in. After 20-minutes of them reminiscing, I told my uncle “I’ll be Mami Vieja for you.”

That evening, I put our whole house to sleep—teens, dogs, husband and sat down in the floor of our shared closet and called me uncle… he was sniffling that first night. His mom, Mami Vieja, died earlier that day and he also wanted to “just DO” to keep moving forward, push through the pain. I was still in Do-mode as well so I asked him about his route, waited for him to gather his thoughts and told him about her last weekend alive.

Grandma was visited by her great-grandson and his dad (Ex-husband) on Saturday. Isaac is 16yo and understood why she was passing. He finished his day job at the boba-tea cafe and had to change clothes, get new facial mask, beanie and pick up his dad (he enjoys driving my old SUV.) Grandma was overjoyed at his visit but crestfallen that she knew this was the end. Her morphine drip was keeping her from feeling pain and her kidneys were slowly decreasing in function each day. They said their goodbyes and then eventually left.

i stayed at her side the next few days, my mom had been visiting for two weeks and needed a break. The weekends were mom’s recovery time.

Fibromyalgia made her ache badly when she worried about her adult kids and her rheumatoid arthritis made her joints creak when the barometric pressure changed and the fronts floated in from the edge of the foothills of the area. Grandma loved life but she longed for death and had taken Ibuprofen religiously after her doctor declined refilling her narcotics, fearing addiction.

It says on the bottle that it will harm kidneys n liver after prolonged use and that’s what it did. She hated the other pain meds and wanted a holistic approach but her pain was mind-numbing some days and her inability to stop worrying about her youngest child, my uncle, occupied the recesses of her mind—she knew this cycle was not healthy. One day - out of anger- she took all heart-blood pressure-cholesterol-other medications and poured them in a jar and shook everything up, started downing pills. My mom called 911 that evening after she saw grandma grumpily shake the jar and shuffle through the house pissed nothing was helping her pain.

God what a day that was, two weeks and a few days later, Grandma passed on. Quicker than most in her situation. She had missed all her doctors visit in nearby Madison AL hospital citing it was useless (she loved cussing at them in Spanish *sigh) and refused to take her meds earlier that month, clamping her mouth shut each meal. All she wanted was coffee and cheese for breakfast, Ensure for lunch, not hungry for the rest of day.

Looking back, we couldn’t really make her do much once she wanted God to take her away from her bodily aches and pain. For an entire year, we acknowledged her wish for end-of-life care but didn’t know she could just up and quit her medicine by personal choice. “Abuelita” (or little Grandma in Spanish), was not so little in personality or stubbornness and she usually wore you down to get her wish in the end. And she did win and obtain her desires in the end.

She was our life but she yearned for death and was ready to leave. We loved her and will always garden in her memory. 🥀🌹🌺