When I lost my Mother

Losing my mother has changed me entirely. I feel like I evolved into a person I do not even recognize anymore. The loss of her in my life has devastated me.

Standing outside the hospital, holding my mom’s belongings. The only thing I could think was “what now?” How do I navigate life without my mom in it? I looked up at the sun shining down, I seen people going about their daily life. I was frozen right there. Time had stopped on my clock. I could see life continuing, but I had no ability to join in. I could feel my hands begin to grip the bags of my mothers belongings tighter. I was frozen.

In that moment if a strange car had pulled up to me, opened the door and said “ hey get in, your done in this life. Here is a new name and new identity I will take you over there now.” I would have jumped in. That would have made more sense to me then a life without my mom.

The thing is, you never know when you are going to have that moment. The frozen moment as I have learned to call it. It can happen at any time. For me, everything hit me the moment I stood alone. It was the first time I did not have someone offering me support . It was the first time the reality of my life revealed itself to me.

I began to panic; I am frozen but now it felt like life was running on speed. “ Why doesn’t anyone see me?” I can feel the tears falling down my cheeks, but I cannot move. I do not even know if I am breathing. There were only three things I knew for sure. My mom was dead. My heart was broken, and I understood for the first time what a broken heart feels like.

The rest is a blur, my husband pulled our car up and I assume got the bags out of my hands and loaded them and me into our car. I was being driven away but, in my mind, I was still standing in front of the hospital gripping my mother’s bags.

I do not think we can ever be prepared for the moment the reality hits. I can talk about it now ( sometimes) and I share only because I felt so alone in that moment. I felt like a small child lost in the mall and if leave this mall, I will never see my mom again. A part of me could not bear the fact that exiting that hospital meant I would never touch my mom again. I would never feel her warmth, she would never offer me advice, pick me up and send hearts when I bombarded her with my selfies. Leaving that hospital meant that part of my world was over. I could not do it.

She was my world.