When I Become a Parent...

Have you ever heard your children say, "When I grow up and become a parent I'm going to do it differently"? Or, did you yourself ever say words similar to those when you were a child? I understand. I was there and I recently had a conversation with my 8 year old son (Gen Alpha) and he said the same thing. But, before we jump into that conversation let's go back in time for some background.

When I was a kid I felt my mom did the best she could. I was an understanding kid and didn't feel like I was too hard on her for how she parented her three kids by herself. But, I have to be honest I did not agree with things she did or her perspective on some topics that concerned me. You see, being a Millennial I was born with a bold personality radically different than my mom's generation. She came from the era of be seen not heard, do as your told, no talking back, and have no opinion of your own. While I was more verbal and couldn't understand the problem with discussing my mother/daughter issues with my mom. I wanted my disagreements to be heard. I was known to be a "mouthy" child or a "smart Alec" in school with my teachers too. The way I saw it was if something didn't make sense that the adults in charge were doing, then I was going to address it and I wanted my opinion to be known. Don't get me wrong I was never intending to be malicious. It's as if I innately knew I was born a being who was worthy instead of less than in society just because I was one of the youngest members of said society. And it seemed I just knew I mattered and my thoughts and feelings mattered more than many adults gave me credit for. It was a time where I didn't question my worthiness. If you can recall any of your childhood memories you probably didn't question your worthiness either. You just knew you were.

But, my mom and I tussled quite a bit because of my mouth. There were many times as a result that I remember saying to myself, "When I get older and become a parent I'm going to parent differently." Well, now I'm a parent and let me tell you I'm on a mission to parent differently. So, I start by doing my best to listen to my kids and let them communicate what is bothering them even if, especially if that something has to do with me. Enter my 8 year old who with great clarity looked at me and said, "When I become a parent I'm going to teach my kids things but I want them to come to me to learn. I want them to have wonder and mystery and come to me and tell me what they've learned." I looked back at him with my own eyes of clarity because my 8 year old just taught me that he doesn't want my "life lessons" unsolicited. Instead he wants to explore life and share with me what he's learning or learned and ask questions when HE WANTS to gain insight from me. Now all of this transpired because I was of course on a life lessons rampage trying to constantly teach him something and he wasn't interested.

Why was this such a pivotal moment in my family's parenting traditions? Because never before had a child expressed their desire for their mom to stop telling them stuff they didn't care to know! And, never before had a mother actually listened, considered, and decided to give the child what they were asking for. Prior to that moment my son and I had, the family history was parents know best and kids follow along, conform. But good parenting is like a company right? The company listens to it's employees and customers; their needs, what would help them do the tasks required better or more efficiently, etc. So, good parenting is listening to the kids (employees) who are directly effected by the parent's decisions (company/business).

It's interesting that in many cases we would listen to the needs, desires, concerns or thoughts of our spouses or partners because we deem that relationship important and want it to "work out". And, in many cases when we listen to them and make some changes or agreements things get better. Isn't the parent-child relationship one we want to work out and be great? Isn't it also just as important? Yes and yes.

I desired to be a great mom and before that conversation with my son I can honestly say I had times where I was at a loss with what things to do to be a great mom to all of them who are so different. But, I learned that by allowing them a voice and never perceiving it as disrespect, they could easily just teach me what they need individually. I think at the base of it all they need the same thing, a place in society with a voice that matters.

Then I asked myself what would be the result of a child that felt heard, respected, cherished and free? Would they openly ask for help and communicate? Would they be responsible without any real effort formerly thought to be needed as a parent? Well, they are little men so how would an adult man react to such an atmosphere of respect? According to my husband he believes if his parents had considered this he would have been a totally different child. Much more confident and sure of himself. Thanks for your input boo! So, I have a sneaky little suspicion it's going to all turn out greater than great but now how do I deal with family opinions and backlash?

Stay tuned.