When Grief Interrupts Your Perfectly Planned Life

Patrick has been gone for 1,581 days. I’ve only seen him in videos and pictures. Some days it seems like just yesterday, and on others, it feels like an eternity. Over the years, I have shared the ups and downs of my journey.

In the first few months, I felt an almost physical need to write. Anytime I was curled up in a ball of sadness, writing would bring me out of that. Maybe that is because Patrick was such a goofy guy. I believe his goofy spirit helped me move forward. But I have also heard others have found this helpful, which makes me happy.

I’m in a completely different place today. I remarried in November 2019, and I have a new career that I love. Although I still occasionally have rough days, I can mainly look back at my time with Patrick and be thankful for all of the joy he brought me.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and I am not here to judge anyone. Instead, I want to share my personal experience, and I hope it might bring comfort to someone whose grief is fresh. The following is an excerpt from a blog post I first wrote on the first anniversary of Patrick’s death.

Imagine that you are taking a walk. The weather is mostly perfect and the scenery is beautiful. As you walk you are holding the hand of the person you most want to walk this path with. Occasionally there is a hill, and sometimes you stumble, but your partner is always right there to help you. You carry many memories with you, and in the distance, you can see many places that you want to go, and you anticipate these experiences with excitement. You have the path memorized, and you know exactly how to get where you want to go.

Suddenly there is an earthquake, worse than you ever imagined. A vast chasm opens up in the path in front of you. You feel your partner slipping, and suddenly they have disappeared. The destruction is so great that you can no longer see your future path. The experiences you had dreamed of are no longer possible.

At first, you feel like jumping into the chasm and looking for your lost dreams. You don’t see any other option. Moving forward alone is unthinkable. Suddenly you see that there is another path leading away from the chasm.

This path has not been used as often, and it is not as easy to navigate. Sometimes you need help clearing the way. Parts of the trail seem dangerous and frightening, and the chasm always seems to be nearby.

As you make your way, you start to notice that there are some exciting things ahead. Other people are traveling the path, and you begin to enjoy their company. They help to clear the way and point out destinations that you didn’t realize were there. This path is a much different route than you had planned. You haven’t forgotten about your missing partner or the plans you had with them, but you realize that they would be happy that you found this new path and want you to continue.

That may sound a little corny, but that is how my life is. I am now on a completely different path that I did not choose, but it is not as awful and scary as I thought it would be. There have been new dreams and hopes for the future.

I feel that Patrick walks this path with me and helps steer me in the right direction. He can no longer hold my hand, but he still keeps me from falling.

On April 19, 2016, I had no plans to return to school and be a counselor. I didn’t know that my heart was big enough to mourn my first great love and welcome another.

Over the last 4+ years, I have met many wonderful people and became re-acquainted with some old friends. I was able to leave a job that wasn't bringing me joy. I met and married a wonderful man, and my children adore him too! I was able to enjoy time with my girls and have some great adventures.

I will always miss Patrick, but I know that my story has not ended. He has provided for my future, and I can focus on doing positive things and pursuing a career where I hope to make a difference in people’s lives.

The girls are doing better than I could have ever imagined. They also miss their Dad, but they choose to live the kind of lives he wants them to. We have pulled each other through this difficult time.

Sierra will graduate in less than a year with a law degree. Camille finishes her undergrad degree in June 2021 and is applying to medical school.

None of us will have a future exactly as we planned, but we will have a future, and good things will happen. We will face adversity, but we will never forget that we survived the worst thing imaginable, and we can probably survive just about anything.

Originally published on Medium on 8-20-20.