When did it start?

Ramona was laying in her bed all alone. She was a Hispanic woman in her 50s and thinking about how she was disabled. Her Fibromyalgia has gotten worse and the Chronic Fatigue has left her trapped in the bed. She was divorced and thinking about how her life used to have meaning. As she laid in bed, she started to think about all the things she had ever gone through. Her life had never been easy. She had 6 kids and she loved her kids with all her heart. So why is she feeling sad? It could be because Ramona suffers from Bipolar Depression. Ramona started to reminisce about her life. It had been such a tough life. She wanted to know, when did it all start?

Ramona's daughter Amber walked into the room and said, "Mom? Are you okay? I have been calling you for the last hour. After grandma's funeral, you haven't spoken to anyone. We are all very worried about you."

"Sorry honey," replied Ramona, "Being at the funeral and seeing a lot of people from my past dug up a lot of unwanted memories. I just don't know how I am feeling right now. I think I might need to get back on medication. The depression is back."

"Wow mom, You have tackled this mental stuff for a long time now. I am surprised you have even got through the traumatic loss of grandma. Especially because you have already been going through way too much already.!"

Ramona's mother was lost during a statewide power outage. It was caused by an ice storm of all things. It was very traumatic and very sad. Ramona replied to her daughter, "I know. It really is the hardest thing to have a mental illness, but then I have to add my physical limitations. People just do not believe me when I talk about Fibromyalgia and how it flares up my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I have these invisible illnesses that people never see. It just makes me look even more mental than I need to be. It actually pisses me off."

Amber could not help get frustrated with her mom's illness, but she was very empathetic towards it. "Mom, Let's not talk about it right now. I get tired of hearing these same stories. I feel like it just gets you more depressed. Focus on the good stuff. Find a hobby."

"Have I ever told you about my childhood trauma? It is trauma that somehow has affected the way I think." She had tried so hard to forget about all the things that had ever happened. Why her life? She was divorced from a marriage that she was in and it had been very tough for her. Escaping a 15-year marriage that caused her so much heartbreak. Ramona prayed every day hoping her life would get better, but somehow, she felt cursed

"I guess mom, I know you are going to tell me anyway. I am ready to hear the stories," Amber replies.

"Ever since I was born, I have felt cursed. I feel like my family has been cursed," Ramona had replied to Amber, "and yes, I am going to tell you anyway! You are the only one that bothers to hear what I went through. You seem to also be the only one that cares."

Ramona started thinking back and started on her story. Both her parents were deaf. She was a CODA, Child of a Deaf Adult. The minute she was born, she was destined to feel alone. She felt like having deaf parents made her life lonely and complicated. It didn't help her self-confidence at all. She had nobody to talk to and was just a very lonely child. Ramona had her older sister who was 2 years older than her. Even though she had a sister, she still felt alone. She loved her big sister and would always try to be around her. Her sister's name was Anita. Ramona would go into Anita's room and always try to hang out with her, but Anita would get mad, and scream, "Get out!." Ramona felt like she was the annoying, pesky little sister. She loved her and looked up to her, but this was one of Ramona's first letdowns in life.

Ramona felt like she was being pushed away. She was a toddler who was pushed away by the only person that could talk to her. It was never Anita's fault. She probably did not know how Ramona was feeling or what she was doing. Ramona would go through her sister's closet and try on her clothes. Anita walked in and got mad. She yelled at Ramona, "Stop wearing my clothes and get out of my room. I don't like you!" Anita would never realize how those words stuck with Ramona. Anita was just a small child herself. Ramona was not taught how to handle her feelings so instead of being able to channel her sadness in a positive way, she just hid her broken heart from the world. "I am so lonely, I wish I had a friend," said Ramona to herself. She felt like the one person that she could talk to, did not like her. She felt like Anita hated her. She would never know. They both didn't have much of anyone to guide them as parents. Ramona had her grandparents, and that was the closest she had to a real relationship. Her grandmother, Maria, was like a distant mom that she would visit on a regular basis.

Ramona's grandparents were amazing, but they too also had some troubles when Ramona's mom Anna was a baby. Ramona's grandfather, Manuel, was a custodian at the school. He filled in every once in a while at Ramona's school and she would get excited. She would yell out, "That's my grandpa!" and all the other kids would giggle. "That is not your grandpa!" yelled one of the other kids in her class. Manuel hugged Ramona and said, "Yes, this is my beautiful granddaughter and I Love her." Ramona's grandfather traded in his retirement so they could pack up and move to Detroit. They were able to get Anna into a school that could teach her to read lips. It still was not sign language, but it was an easier way to communicate. Ramona and Maria had a sincere conversation, and Maria apologized for "spoiling" her mom Anna. Ramona used to be distant and cold towards her mother but absolutely loves her now because of a conversation with her grandmother, She understood her mother now, one hundred percent. Ramona just did not expect such a sincere, intimate conversation with her grandmother. She was always so grateful for the lessons grandma would teach her in their conversations.

Her grandparents were always in church. Ramona grew up in a Lutheran church. Being Hispanic, most of the other Spanish kids were Catholic. She felt different at the Lutheran church. All the other kids were snobby, upper-class white kids, and her upper-class Hispanic cousins. She never really talked to those cousins, Growing up she was different. Ramona was awkward, dirty, and poor. The kids in the church treated her differently and she always felt like she did not belong. "It looks like she didn't even take a shower." yelled one kid. Another kid said, "Why does she always wear the same dress?" Ramona's cousin was hesitant to come to her defense, but she said to the other kids, "Oh, come one. Leave her alone. She hasn't done anything to you guys. Let's go back to our game." The kids went back to their game of kickball. Even though Ramona felt uncomfortable, she still loved being in church. She always felt a sense of peace when she was in church. She felt the warmth and love from the adults at the church. Everyone's personality was like Maria's. They were Loving, Caring, and Happy people. Because she went back and forth between Anna and Maria, she started to have a double personality. It was probably her Bipolar but she would not know until later. She would be good with Maria, but at her mom's, she had no direction. She basically did whatever she wanted. Ramona's grandmother always forced her to go to church if she was staying over for the weekend. Ramona and her grandmother would always say a prayer at night. Maria was faithful in her walk with God and so was Manuel.

Grandpa Manuel was a silly, funny man. Everyone took joy from being around him. Most Hispanic men that Ramona saw growing up, were at the bars. The other men would stay out all hours of the night, but not Manuel. He would go to the bar for a few beers. Manuel told the bartender, "I have to go home or my wife will be mad. A happy wife equals a very happy life!" He went about two to three times a week, but he was always home by his curfew, nine p.m. Manuel got home and told Maria, "Honey, I am home. Is there anything that I need to do before I go to bed?" Maria replied, "No, but don't forget to take out the trash tomorrow." Manuel decided to turn in for the night and he said to Maria, "Goodnight, I Love you." Manuel loved Maria enough to always come home and be with only her. They were such a good example of how Christians should act. They were not perfect, but to Ramona, they were. Her grandparents lived a good, honest, and clean life.

Ramona was only three years old when her parents got divorced. Her dad left her mother for another woman, her first stepmother. It would not be the last. Her dad, Rudy, was always in new relationships. He never bothered to stay in Ramona's life. Rudy put more concern into other women, and Ramona never saw him again until later on in life. Ramona's heart was broken. She would start to feel alone. Rudy's leaving made her feel abandoned at such an early, childhood life. Little did she know, it would only get worse.