When Cutting Ties Is the Kindest Choice: A Guide for Adult Children Considering Going No Contact with a Parent

You Are Not Alone

There’s a unique kind of heartbreak that comes with the thought: I might need to cut my parent out of my life.

For many adult children, this isn’t a decision made lightly. It’s the culmination of years—sometimes a lifetime—of pain, boundary violations, emotional neglect, or outright abuse. If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve already wrestled with guilt, doubt, and grief.

Let me say this clearly:

You are not cruel. You are not selfish. You are doing what you need to do to protect your peace—and that’s incredibly brave.

This guide is for you. It’s here to walk you through how to make this decision, how to follow through with compassion, and how to navigate the complex grief and recovery that may follow.

Step One: Is No Contact the Right Choice?

No contact isn’t always the first step. Sometimes, boundaries and space are enough. But for some adult children, no contact is the only path left.

Signs that going no contact might be the healthiest option:

• Ongoing emotional, verbal, or physical abuse
• Narcissistic or manipulative behaviour
• Repeated boundary violations despite clear requests
• A relationship that consistently damages your mental health
• Feeling anxious, guilty, or small after every interaction

We are conditioned to believe that “family is everything.” But real family—chosen or blood—should mean safety, not suffering.

A Personal Reflection

In 2017, I sat across from a therapist as we sifted through the roots of my depression. Among them? My parents.

Not because of one specific moment, but because every visit with them left me feeling smaller, more broken—like I was never quite enough. The way they spoke to me, the subtle criticisms, the emotional coldness. I’d leave their house with a knot in my stomach and a heavier heart.

My therapist said something that stayed with me:

"You have two choices. Accept that your parents are who they are and will never change—or go no contact."

It took me years to gather the strength to do the latter. But he was right. They didn’t change.

We often hold onto hope—that if we grow, they will too. That if we do the work, they’ll meet us halfway. But the hard truth? If you’re an adult now, your parents have had decades to change. If they haven’t yet, they probably won’t.

How to Go No Contact (With or Without a Conversation)

If you feel emotionally or physically safe, you might choose to let your parent know that you’re stepping away. For some, this provides closure. For others, it opens the door to more harm. You are not obligated to explain yourself.

Option 1: The Honest Letter or Message

Writing allows you to express your truth clearly and calmly. Focus on your feelings rather than attacking their actions.

“This has been a difficult decision, but I need to take space from our relationship for my own well-being. I hope one day you can understand, but for now, this is what I need to heal.”

Option 2: The Soft Fade

A gradual reduction in contact can sometimes ease the transition. This might include longer response times, less engagement, and fewer visits. But beware: it can prolong anxiety if you feel trapped waiting for their next message.

Option 3: Immediate No Contact

If the relationship is abusive or triggering, you can block phone numbers, emails, and social media. You owe no further access to someone who consistently hurts you.

What to Expect After You Go No Contact

Cutting off a toxic parent doesn’t always bring immediate relief. Often, it brings grief. Deep, aching grief.

Emotional Whiplash

You may feel free one day and devastated the next. You’re grieving not just the person, but the idea of what they were supposed to be. The parent you needed, but never had.

Pushback & Guilt Trips

Some parents will lash out. Others will use “flying monkeys”—family or friends who try to guilt you back into contact.

Have responses ready:

• “This isn’t up for discussion.”
• “Please respect my decision.”
• “I’ve made this choice for my health.”

The Guilt

You may wonder: Am I a bad daughter? A bad son?

Let me say it again: You are not.

You are someone who is breaking the cycle. That is brave beyond measure.

How Healing Begins

Once you’ve stepped away from the chaos, the real work begins. This is your time to rebuild.

Let Yourself Grieve

Cry. Rage. Journal. Mourn the parent you wish you had. Name the parts of you that were wounded. There is no right pace—only your pace.

Reparent Yourself

Offer yourself the love, validation, and safety you were denied. That might sound like:

• “I’m allowed to take up space.”
• “It’s okay to rest.”
• “I deserve kindness.”

Seek Support

A good therapist can help you untangle years of trauma. But healing can also come from chosen family, online communities, books, and even quiet moments of self-compassion.

Redefine Family

Family doesn’t have to mean shared DNA. It can be the friend who checks in, the partner who holds your hand, the community that sees and values you. You get to choose who’s in your life now.

You Are Still Good, Still Worthy, Still Whole

Going no contact doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you care about yourself, maybe for the first time. It means you are brave enough to choose peace, even if that peace comes at the cost of tradition or expectation.

You may never get the apology you deserve. But you don’t need it to heal.

You may never be understood by your extended family. But you don’t need their permission to be free.

You are not a bad person.

You are a person who’s finally choosing themselves.

And that is something to be proud of.