What Now?

There I sat my head spinning round and round. What had just happened? Is it true? No, No, noooooo, not you? Not my best friend? Not my soul? This is ludacris. But the last 3 weeks had been as such. You just had the flu. A small cough. It was nothing that a little cough syrup and my famous chicken noodle soup wouldn't nip right in the bud.

This is surreal, an out of body experience. I am hovering above myself looking at you laying there, not breathing, not moving. I am on the floor crying, wailing and dying that you of all people, You? my invincible husband was now dead and it all started with a little cough.

All the sudden I was considered a word I never wanted to hear in my life. "Widow", I am "The Widow Swartz" This is unfathomable. How could you be gone at 42, and me still be here. I was the one that was always sick. You? You? never you, I could hear my heart beating in my ears, and feel in beating out of my throat, and chest. The nurse asking if there was anything she could get me as I tried to compose myself and think of what and whom I was to call now. What the next step in this journey was for us, for me.

I wanted to go before you because one moment without you was too long. They told me to take as long as I needed to say goodbye. Goodbye? Are you freaking kidding me? How could I say goodbye when we had just begun saying hello?

We had only been married for 16 months and together for 18 months. We knew of each other in high school and we got reacquainted just recently and fell head over applecart in no time flat. What is meant to be is meant to be.

I had never seen so many loving people come out of the woodwork for him. He was loved by so many. They all loved him so much. Some people had some snide remarks to say about our time together was so short how could I really be grieving? I believe it isn't the amount of time you spend with someone it is quality of time you spend with someone.

So I swallowed my pride and took it on the chin. That is something I would never do otherwise. But this was neither the time nor the place to fight those battles. My sweet husband would not want me to go full "Ghetto" at this time and place.

So I held my tongue, came home to my empty apartment and cried until my eyes were red and swollen. My heart hurting so badly that I could feel actual pain. I wanted to die and be with him so much. He was my safe place. My best friend in the world was not here anymore and I was lost...

TOO BE CONTINUED.....