What I never knew I needed

For the longest time I never imagined myself to be a girly girl, let alone be a parent; I was what you would call a tomboy. Nevertheless in 2011, I received the biggest blessing in life, my son A’ziah. He changed me in a way where I had to grow up and become responsible at a young 20 years old. But, It wasn’t until 2014 did the change of becoming a parent truly settle in, as I discovered soon after who it was that I had always been destined to be.

I have learned to suppress a lot of my memories, because a lot of them were not always picture perfect. When I recall my childhood, I mostly think of long, lonely nights, being afraid and imagining a different one. The days were long when there was fighting going on, and even longer when there was no electricity. I recall us having to stay outside all day and sleep in front of the screen door just to feel a breeze. You see, I come from a broken home, where it was hard to make ends meet and my mother decided that she could not handle the stresses of 3 growing children as well as an unstable partner. So, after my mom left home, I felt as if problems came crashing in like a tidal wave. I was only about 5 years old when she left, and my mind frame was still; I miss my mommy. Not every piece of my life was dark and gloomy, but these pieces created a puzzle picture I would never imagine possible.

My father will tell you; as a teen, I was always the victim. I went through a lot of pain in my adolescence. I never got reasons as to why things happened the way that they did when I was younger. I blamed a lot of my past for being the way that I was. I wasn’t always glittered in gold, I didn’t do great in school, didn’t always make the best choices in life and never really learned how to make valid choices. I developed a lot of bad habits after my mother popped back into my life. I was happy that she was around, but my choice in friends took a good tole over my life. In 2007, I was expelled from the school district and was able to obtain my GED at just 15 years old. Now I was able to leave home for good, work and wreak more havoc into my life. I don’t truly recall at what instance I decided I didn’t want to live in chaos and fear, but I do remember the moment that I found God for the first time and truly accepted him into my life. This moment was preparing me for the greatest adventure that I would forever be thankful for.

In the joyous moments of 2011, I recall sobbing to myself at the crack of dawn to beaming with excitement at each moment and milestone my son passed. At this point in time, I found myself as afraid as I was at 5 years old. I would stay awake all night, praying and wishing that I would be able to care for him, much better than my parents cared for my brothers and me. I was a parent; I was responsible for a whole, eating, talking human being. I had to teach him to walk, talk, be independent and pretty much be a model citizen. I never had much to look up to, I solely knew what kind of parent I wanted to be for my son. Eventually, I learned the ropes of parenting; I was passing the class of parenthood with flying colors. I held a couple of odd jobs and then was able to obtain a great position as a personal banker. As time passed, I decided to go to school full time. I would have never known that the blissful moments of who I never knew I wanted to be, were just around the corner, just exactly where I needed to be.

In the gloomy peaks of winter, I found out that I was soon going to be a mother. I was dreading this nightmare I was in, I had to much going on in my life and I was pretty set on having just one child. Even in my earliest days of adulthood, I never thought of myself as being a mother of 2. I made my way to the doctor's office and indeed, the deed was done. According to my HCG testing, I should have been 12-16 weeks along, but my embryo was only a small 9 weeks; my baby had stopped growing. I was down but not broken as this was truly not a time for me to oversee one more human being. In the same moment in time, exactly the crisp last bits of what had been left of that winter, I could not imagine reading behind these 2 pink lines that would indefinitely mold me into someone that I would be ever more proud of.

I was crying would be an understatement; I was an absolute mess, but I sucked it up and went to see my doctor. I recall after she scolded me for not being careful, she expressed concern for my levels once again and told me that in time I may have to undergo surgery once more to remove my empty sac. We waited 2 weeks for growth, and nothing came about; they scheduled my D & C 2 days later. On the day of my surgery my doctor asked if I wanted one last ultrasound, I softly obliged. Then there she was, a strong forceful flickering in the solemn pitch of a screen. Miraculously, from a literal abyss, she made her grand appearance in the biggest way possible. Some weeks had passed, and I remember being afraid that I would be having a girl. What did I even know about being a girl myself? I never had my mother around, how could I be women enough to raise a little girl? The time had come, and I knew once I looked up at the screen, she was really a she. I bawled at the thought of caring for her, I didn’t know how I would even be able to do this. All the questions I had been asking myself were clouding my judgment as a mother. Hind sites, I believed she had a purpose, there was a reason she was coming into my life after so much chaos. My son had changed me; he helped mold me by having to grow up, but my girl would be my silver lining in the clouds.

The nights were long, the dreams of failure were becoming a reality once again. I had been doing right for so long, how I could have messed this up so badly. I didn’t want to raise a broken child, a child that would not know a true mother. Yes, I cooked, cleaned and cared for my boy like any other loving mother, but how could I show her the way? How could I bring another child into a broken home, a home where I didn’t know the rules to a mother and daughter relationship. It was troublesome, I was going to school and working part time, but all that changed when I had a viable pregnancy; I was an at-risk pregnancy, therefor I had to quit school and my job. The remainder of my pregnancy, I was dedicating it to keep her alive.

On a crisp night, December 1, 2014, 10:30 p.m., to be exact. I found myself waddling straight to the maternity ward. I was all checked in and ready to go, I laid my stuff out, said goodbye to my family and waited for the morning to come. At exactly 7:52, she was born. A sweet 7 lbs. 2 oz, a beautiful baby girl, my cliché. I literally cried for some reason, I had so much joy in my heart. I admit to having so much resentment before and throughout my entire pregnancy. I loved her but also, I was still afraid, I can’t tell you if I cried tears of joy or pain, but I cried like a baby. I was struggling after my C-Section, they had sawed through the tendons of my stomach and cut me open like a gruesome horror film. I was a mess, emotionally and physically. But she was here, and it was about the time my life took a turn for the absolute best.

The next couple of years I had dedicated to loving her in every way I could. I think I even changed for the better of my son. Looking back, I never knew how to give love and I was always troubled with how I would be able to show my kids how I felt. My sweet and salty baby girl taught me how. She taught me to be kind and gentle, she taught me to manage my life in a way that any woman would be proud of. I don’t just love her, I care for her, I needed her to come into my life in order to be who I am. I have dedicated the last 5 years to changing in ways that she would look back and be proud of. I want to have a career and be someone so that she could have a person to look up to. I want to be pretty and do my hair, I want to be in school and be smart, I want to finish things that I start, I want to be my definition of a strong woman. I am no way saying that boys are easy, but I grew up with my son, I had to be tough and stronger than I ever was when I had him. My daughter has taught me compassion and has given strength and love that I have never been able to experience. I didn’t have these moments with my own mother and with her I am strong but soft. I would have never imagined calling myself soft but, I decided I wanted her to look up someone amazing and decided I had to be it for her, so that I could show her the way.

X'ylia Harley Zoe, born December 2, 2014, a humorous Sagittarius. She is exactly 5 years old and witty like her mom. Harley is tall and athletic and has this idea of eating healthy foods but eats like a 400 lb. man. She aspires to be a vet and loves to sing and dance. She is kind and caring, loyal and spirited. She will make you laugh, smile and even question her age. But she will always choose dirt and messes just like a tomboy. She loves anything nature and has the biggest brown telling eyes, that of an old soul. She is everything I wanted to be. Our relationship is everything I wanted as a child for myself. I am proud of who she has made me become, I am overjoyed with her character and mind frame. Sometimes she gets the best of me with her attitude, but she is strong willed, and I wouldn’t change that for anything. She is an important key in my life, and I believe with her by my side, I have changed for the better.

Looking back, I would have never thought I would be a mother of a daughter. Shee gives me strength when I am down, and when I feel like I am making the right choice, I look to her and wonder what she would think; what I would think If I was her. She is by far the most important thing in my life. I cannot compare her to any number of materialistic things, she is an item that counts a million times. Her love is different from my boys’, I love them equally, but I need them differently. She was the objective that changed me to the woman that I am still becoming.