We Have Rules...

As you have probably seen from my bio and profile, I am a Punjabi woman born to Indian parents in England. I was born and raised here. My skin is a light brown, my features are very Northern Indian and quite obviously, I am bilingual. When I was growing up, I realised that I was in fact, different. This did not actually come from the racial abuse that I was subjected to and it did not come from the fact that there were always questions about 'what' I was. This actually came from interaction. I realised that the rules in place for me as an Indian woman were not in place for white women. As I was growing up, I became more and more aware of this and it taught me a few things about what it means to be an immigrant's child.

As I go through this article, I am going to tell you about the rules and regulations I had growing up that white girls did not have. Then I will talk about how this eventually had a knock-on effect to the way in which I became the adult I am today with all of my own political and cultural beliefs etc. It was initially difficult for me to reason with but as I got older I knew things were different because of the way I was raised.

1) I was not allowed out on my own until I was sixteen

Now, I grew up in an area which is not very nice at all. My parents knew what they were doing when they kept me inside. I started to become interested in books and I am the person I am today because of it. When I look back on this, I hold nothing against my parents and actually, I feel glad that I was doing something that would have such a great impact on me later on. White girls were obviously allowed to go out on their own from a very early age. Again, I have nothing against that. I grew up as a girl who eventually did not want to go out anywhere. But, on the other extreme as you know, I grew into a woman who suffers with agoraphobia. If these two are linked, I wouldn't know. But, I think it is safe to say that the reason Indian girls are not allowed out on their own is for their own safety. But the question is never about what our parents are keeping us safe from.

In order to combat this behaviour, it is important that you ask. Ask your parents what you are being kept from - understand that it is not your fault. Taking no precaution is obviously silly, but not understanding and blaming your parents is even sillier. With the backstory of my family, that I do not want to share here - you can only imagine that they felt a deep protection for their only daughter.

So although I grew up with a few social difficulties, as I reflect on the situation, I can understand their requirements to protect the things close to them.

2) The requirement for cultural practice until I was old enough to decide my lifestyle for myself

Many children from my background, whether male or female, are shoehorned into worship from an early age. As we grow up, we go through a very specific set of phases. The first one would be appreciation for difference, the second one is disillusion with our faith, the third one is detachment from our faith and the fourth one is finding ourselves again. The amount of times I have heard people say 'I was X but now I'm Y...' or "I was X and even though I didn't appreciate it back then, I do now..." from my own culture is unreal.

Our parents did the right thing in the end. Brought us up with a respect for the rules whilst also giving us the option to choose as we got older. I can honestly say that this is something I feel is exclusive to our cultures because of the way in which culture is intertwined with faith. I cannot imagine someone practicing the culture and not the faith and vice versa. Whereas, in the western cultures, it seems to be more about free choice of experience than it is in the eastern cultures. Again, the western cultures' parents also do the right thing. Parenting does not come with instructions.

3) I was not allowed a romantic relationship until I was out of education

As someone who has constantly hidden the fact that they are not actually a sexual being and has even faked sexual attraction in order to be considered normal, you can probably guess how glad I was when I first heard this.

My parents told me when I was about thirteen that it was not considered a good thing for a girl from an Indian background to have a boyfriend/girlfriend. But, to me it did not really matter all too much. When it came to other girls of the same background though, I can honestly say that they went through absolute hell trying to conceal boyfriends, keep things secret and were completely gutted when their parents found out. I have known girls to go as far as to tell their own friends to lie to their parents for them and tell their parents that the girl was at their house when, in fact, she was not. This, I believe, nowadays is called honour abuse. But it is something very prevalent in our culture. And though I myself cannot understand it because I have not been in the position of these girls, does not mean that it does not happen. It is rife and alive. If you see this happening then you need to report it straight away.

To this day personally though, I have never experienced any negativity because of this and honestly, the way my life is going - I am just re-entering education to do my PhD in a way for my parents not to think it is suspicious at all. (Forced, worried and nervous laughter).

Conclusion

Other things, including features such as:

• No alcohol until you're twenty-one
• No short or revealing clothing at all
• No wearing make-up

Have plagued other girls of my culture (thankfully, my parents allowed me all of these things but seeing as I am anaemic and always cold, the second to last one is not getting done any time soon) and so, I ask you of this: if you see these things happening, I want you to take the time out for your friend and make them feel better, do not leave them out and do not treat them differently. Try your best to make them too, part of the group. I know I was not made part of the group when I was at school and so, it became difficult for me to articulate my emotions in anything other than insults and fighting. You should seek out to make friends with these people. They are just like you, just with different rules for life.