We all Juggle Something

Right now I'm juggling a life as a single mother, a full time employee and a online college student. As well as keeping my family happy and my daughters father happy. Then there's keeping my house clean, making sure I pay my bills on time, and keeping my life on track. I don't know how I do it all.

I honestly don't. I struggle every single day. I fight for the attention of my daughter. I fight to keep my boss happy. I fight to keep my grades up. I have hit some low points in my life and have done things I'm not proud of. The only thing I really care about is keeping a little girl healthy and happy. When I don't have her, I'm a wreck. I drink until I fall asleep. I work myself to the point of breaking. I do everything to keep my mind off the fact that I'm alone without her. She is the only thing that keeps me on point.

I actually learned how to juggle once, when I was in college for the first time. It was just before my daughters real dad came into her life. Before he decided to move to my side of the country and be there for her. I wasn't very good at juggling, but I tried and it was fun. But alas I have forgotten how, 3 years later, and it's just has hard as when I first started.

I used to be a heavy drinker and a heavy smoker. Before my daughter I was smoking two packs a day. After I went down to one, then a pack every two days, maybe three if I was lucky. Smoking was something I could always count on. I couldn't drink all day, but smoking I could do more throughout the day and it wasn't as frown upon at work. It was a stress relief. Something that made me feel better. The nicotine filling my lungs, giving me a small high that I could carry for a little bit, was enough to make me feel something in my numbed up body. Even if for a little while. Drinking I would do after I got home, after I got my daughter to bed. I would let myself pound them down. One after another. I didn't care how bad I got. I didn't care if I had to drive anywhere. I would just keep drinking until I couldn't drink anymore.

At one point, I was told to quit drinking and smoking.

It was all taken away from me, because I was getting carried away. I wasn't just hurting myself anymore. I was hurting those around me. I hated it. I was angry and mean. No one wanted to be around me, but they didn't want to be around me when I drank either. I was violent and had no remorse. I understood why I had to quit, but that didn't mean I had to like it. I tried other things to keep my mind off the booze and the nicotine candy. But after a break up that had help me quit, I would return to the dangerous game.

Though not so heavily as before, I learned to control it. I had school, work and my daughter to keep me in check. I was able to do it all. I was like super mom. But I also had my own mother there to help me. I eventually was able to get my own house and lived on a block with other kids so my daughter had children to play with. It was all so exciting. I had a new reason to keep my addictions under control.

My mother died in 2019.

She kept me under control. She helped me juggle everything on my plate. She knew how to rein me in and keep me steady. I went off the deep end again. My drinking took a turn for the worse and its the only thing I wanted to do. I would go out on the nights I didn't have my daughter and get drunk at a bar somewhere. Sometimes taking someone home or going to someone else place. I didn't care about anything. I lost interest in everything. I became very depressed and lost. I didn't want to be around anymore. I figured everyone would be better off without me.

I wanted to die.

Now in present time, I'm getting help. I'm working on my drinking, I've quit smoking and I'm making sure to spend more time with my daughter. I don't want my daughter to go through what I went through losing my mother. I don't wish that pain on anyone. So now I juggle everything on my own, but I do it with a smile on my face. It's not always a good day, but I try.