Wanting to quit

As I sit here, and I fight these tears you’re all I can think about. I think about all our memories, all the times we fought, all those times I never listened to what you had to say. I always thought you were wrong, and I was always right, nothing you ever said to me ever stuck until too late. Saying goodbye hurt, it hurt a lot more than I expected it to, I didn’t know how to feel or what to think. I felt lost at first, sad, angry, and every other emotion there is to feel besides happiness, and excitement, I felt them all. It sucked, it hurt, and you best believe I hated my life and was ready to give up. I was ready to put that knife to my wrist and slit it without a second thought, but something stopped me. Something yelled to me and said don’t do it because you have so much to live for, but I truly didn’t care because I didn’t think I had anyone to live for anymore.

The day that the phone rang, and people ran out of the house to the scene my heart broke, and as I closed my eyes, I knew you all were gone, I knew my world was about to change and it wasn’t going to be in a good way. I waited up all night waiting for you to come home, I texted and called you for hours straight because everyone was leaving us in the dark, and no one wanted to tell us anything.. The next morning getting ready for church still texting and calling you because you didn’t come home the night before. As I sat on the bed still waiting for you to come home, I heard the front door open, and I prayed that it was you; but it wasn’t. When I saw Darrell walking to me, and he wasn’t ready for church my heart shattered even more. He told us girls to go to him, and take a seat on his lap, and he told us. He said “Dad and your mom, with Katie, Lori, Bobbi and Diana, were in a bad car accident last night.. Your mom, Di, Lori and Bobbi didn’t make it..” I said, “Dad and Katie will be okay right?” When all he could say was “Dad’s going to be okay, your grandma will be here in a few hours to talk to you about Katie.” I didn’t know what to say or how to respond, so I said I don’t want anymore bad news.. As I sat on the bed crying for hours, and as people came and went from the house, I heard the phone ring, and on the phone I heard them say “She’s gone” and I screamed and said, “No she’s not she can’t be” as I cried and said, “My sister is too strong not to make it, she wouldn’t leave me here to live this life on my own!” As the hours went by and we prayed, and we screamed, we cried, my grandma showed up, packed all our stuff in the car, and sat us down on the couch and said “she’s gone. If we wouldn’t have pulled the plug she would have been a vegetable, she was already brain dead and a battle we wouldn’t have won.” My heart broke, and I knew I would never forgive her, I knew that if they hadn’t pulled the plug I would have dropped out of school and taken care of my sister, she was my best friend, the one I could tell all my secrets to, the one that was there for me when no one else was. From that day forward I knew I would never be the same and my life would forever be different, and I would be on my own.

Little did I know what my true-life plan was at the time, never in a million years would I have thought I would be here today. I was so ready to call it quits, but I am so glad I didn’t. I now have a little boy that calls me mom, says I love you every day, and when I haven’t seen him all day or even for twenty minutes when he sees me again he yells I missed you mommy. He’s my world, my pride, and my joy. He’s my reason to live. All those days I sat in the corner and cut thinking about ending it all he makes me regret those days, but he makes me so thankful that I didn’t call it quits those times that I really wanted to. He’s my reason, my number one and the only one I will ever need to make happy in life. He’s my entire world. I will forever love him and protect him.