Wanderlust

My family is very good at one thing, sweeping problems under the rug. We are raised to keep face and carry on like nothing’s wrong. It never bothered me until today. Today, my favorite aunt died suddenly of cancer. I was not even aware she was sick. She was hiding the illness from me. I am not sure if she was hiding it as a way to avoid talking about it or she was worried how I would take it.

We are a large family but out of all my aunts, she was the most relatable. I had the most in common with her and she even referred to me as her “mini-me”. In the summers she took me on amazing nature adventures, art workshops, and most nights we just found the nearest meadow to stare up at the stars. She didn’t know the name of any constallations, so she made up her own labels for them. She was a wild card but there was something I could always count on was that she was carrying her journal. I am not sure if the book was so beautiful to me because of the mystery of it. She never let me see what was written on the pages. Lately though, I had noticed that she was writing in it more often. Now, as I stand at her graveside, I still don’t dare to open it. The ribbon bookmark sways in the wind and I trace the elastic band that holds it closed. I don’t think I will ever be ready to look inside.

Her funeral is finally over and even though not a lot of people attended, I am exhausted from having to talk to people. She was never blessed with any children and everyone knew that I was closest thing to one. At the first of the procession line was myself, my mother, and my grandmother. My grandmother had buried children in the past, but she never spoke of it. My mother kept a strong stance but her face had not been dry all day. I was still in shock. My grandmother gave me the coveted black journal and she left her hands over mine for a long time. While I was comforted by the action, I was also curious to what other secrets were behind her beautiful green eyes.

THREE MONTHS LATER

Three months seem to base by with a blink of an eye. I still had not looked inside my aunts' journal. I had a meeting today with my aunts' lawyer that I have been putting off for a while. This last message he left sounded urgent so I decided to finally give in. I would have not even thought that my aunt had a will or a lawyer. I sat in his office bouncing my leg as I not-so-patiently waited to hear what he had to say.

He finally came out and called my name. He ushered me into his boring office and I could not imagine my aunt sitting in this generic office furniture and planning out her estate. I would not have even guessed she had an “estate”. I was stunned as the lawyer explained that my aunt left me $20,000 dollars. She had left smaller sums to other family members, and most of her money went to charities that she supported. She had split up her wealth between a variety of causes including animal rescue, nature conservation, and hungry children. I could not just have the money though, it was her dying wish that I follow the instructions in none other than the black book I had been carrying with me every day.

The lawyer stared at me with trepidation as I sat there stunned. He asked if I had been given the book yet and I let him know that I had received it at her funeral. He started to ask if I was confused by what was written inside but my face must have said it all because as he realized I had not looked inside, his words began to dissipate. I took my leave from his office and I did not even catch what he said as he shook my hand and lead me back into the waiting area.

The rest of the day was a blur of sounds and colors. As I climbed into bed that night, I felt like the whole world was a different place than the world I woke up in. I brought the journal with me, but still could not even think about reading the contents. I know that like a bandaid, I needed to just rip it off quick. The hardest part was going to be simply removing the elastic band holding it shut and opening the hardcover. Such a small task physically but mentally it felt like walking a tight rope. What could my aunt possibly have instructed me to do?

If the weather matched my mood the next morning it would be thunderstorms with brilliant lightning and thunder that shook the buildings. However, there was not a cloud to be seen for miles. I decided during my tossing and turning that today I would set the mood and finally break the seal on my aunt's last wishes. I decided I would go down our favorite path and find a quiet spot among the trees. I would wear the long flowy skirt that she insisted was my style even though I only ever wore jeans. Lastly, I would bring the bag of crystals she hid under my bed for protection.

All set up and deep into the woods, I took a deep breath. It was time. I took the book out of my satchel and set it in my lap. This little black book looked innocent from the outside. No one would ever think that it was an amazing woman's last wishes and the key to the rest of my life. Tears sprang to my eyes as I released the elastic and opened the journal. My aunt's handwriting covered the inside of the front of the book. My name was elegantly scrolled on the top. She wrote a letter addressed to me that was both an apology and her eternal affection. On the first page, she started with the instructions. She was demanding that I complete a set of tasks. Each one of them was geared towards my happiness. They were things that I had confided in her, she was the holder of my bucket list. I honestly did not even think she had remembered all of this but there they were. My wanderlust was spelled out page by page.

I never thought in a million years could I have the opportunity to do half of the things on my list. Not only could I not afford them, but I did not even know where to start. I was incredibly indecisive and now my aunt made it more than simple for me. I had to complete the entire book within one year's time. Not only that, I had to buy a polaroid camera and take photos as proof of my journey. There was a perfect pocket in the back of the book that could hold the photos.

The travel expenses were going to be completely covered by my aunt's estate as were any other related costs. Not only that, she convinced my work to give me a paid leave of absence for a year. While normally that seems completely unheard of, the owner of the company that I did customer service for was her best friend since grade school. The sadness that was welling in my chest was overwhelming. She did not want me to continue to mourn her. She wanted nothing but light and happiness for me. The more I see how happy she wished me to be, the sadder it made me.

I had no time to waste. I had to go shopping for all the clothes and supplies I would need for my trip, everything except a new set of luggage. She had purchased me a gorgeous set as a Christmas present the year before. I called my boss and she chuckled, saying that it was about time. The excitement began to build for what my life was going to be like for the next year. Luckily, after hearing all of my aunts' travel stories I knew when the best times to go to certain areas to see the most amount the world. For the first time since my aunt passed away, I felt hopeful, happy even. I was still disappointed that my aunt kept such huge secrets from me, but I understood. I could not wait to start my journey and I was not traveling alone either. I had my little black book.