Valley Girl

My mom used to call me a valley girl while I was growing up.

Full disclosure, I never knew what that truly meant until today. Not truly. I had a vague idea of what it meant, like a ditz essentially. I knew it wasn't a compliment.

But she did it again while I was telling her a story about my daughter from earlier in the evening. I'm 27 years old, and I just realized how awful that made me feel, back then and even now. I don't know if she meant to hurt me purposely but it still cut deep.

So here I am, writing this post after reading the actual definition of a valley girl.

Valley Girl: a fashionable and affluent teenage girl from the Valley in southern California

That's what the term technically means. But she always meant in in a negative way, like I'm ditzy, or air-headed.

Now I have realized I'm kind of hippie dippie. I love the healing powers of crystals and I make my own kitchen cleaner with essential oils, dish soap and water. I refuse to wear socks. I walk around barefoot outside because I love the way grass feels on the bare soles of my feet.

But, I am not a valley girl.

Firstly, I am not from California.

I live in Saskatchewan.

I am not exactly very fashionable either.

I kind of just wear my boyfriend's clothes when I am not working as nothing I own fits me right after my third child.

Maybe I am taking this meaning pretty literally as I know she means to call me a ditzy or airheaded, but I like to call myself authentic instead of that. The first time she called me a valley girl was when I was also trying to understand what sarcasm was. What I have come to realize, is when she calls me a valley girl, it is because she thinks that I am naive or foolish- even if it was "just a joke" it still chips away at a part of my heart.

It took me so many damned years, to feel beautiful, to call myself strong, to be proud of myself- flaws and all.

But such a little comment, dug up years of pain for me, feelings I thought that I had buried. Funny how that works eh? (I'm Canadian, I had to add that little comment in.)

Growing up, my mom often told me to "grow a backbone". To toughen up. To not let people walk all over me. To fight back against bullies and people who treated me unfairly. But anytime I stood up for myself in our relationship, when I expressed how I felt hurt or misunderstood, then suddenly, I became the problem.

How is that fair?

I love her. I always will. I know she did her best raising us kids and with the cards that she was dealt in life.

But I’m really tired of feeling like a little girl still whispering, “pick me mom.”

Or even worse, the desire to say “love me back.”

That's ultimately how I am feeling right now, like a broken little girl. I've never really fully admitted that to myself until now. I've carried that pain of that broken little girl for years.

But here is the truth: I am not that sad little girl anymore. I may feel broken in this moment, but I know damn well that I am the strong one. I am the stronger woman between the two of us.

And I don't need to be picked anymore.

I choose me.

Every damn time.

__________

Thanks for reading you guys.

At least I have a voice on Vocal.

Chloe Rose Violet🌹