Un-lost

I was not well. I was walking. Walking. Walking. How long had I been walking? The streetlights weren't lighting the path in front of me. I looked around and could see some cars illuminating the freeway far off, but that wasn’t in the direction I was heading. Where was I heading? The pavers in front of me were cracked more often than not and grass burst through in a haphazard Guerrilla warfare against the grey slabs. I didn't recognise this state of disrepair. Where was I? I searched for street signs, but I had lost my bearings and my feet didn't stop. At an intersection I turned left, the next one I turned right, then straight ahead. I couldn't get more lost, could I? I turned my mind back to when I was home, when I’d gotten the call. I had gotten bad news, I had left. I couldn't accept what I had heard, it just couldn't be right. I couldn't keep it all straight in my head. My memories were fractured. What had happened?

Ringggg, ringggg

//

I had gone down my stairway.

//

"Hello this is... From… police department... Is this the residence of..."

//

I had pulled on my sneakers by the front door.

//

"Yes, this is her"

//

I had picked up my keys, I had locked the door, maybe.

//

"I'm calling regarding your father... I'm sorry to inform you..."

//

I had walked down my garden path.

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"I'm sorry I don't understand"

//

The gate creaked as I had opened it.

//

"...accident..."

//

The gate had crashed closed.

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"No, no, no"

//

I had left

//

"Please come down... Verify..."

//

I had started walking.

//

It couldn't be right, the memories started falling back in place. I didn't like them, I shied away, cringing from the raw nerve of that phone call. My father so strong and stable, a constant, a fixture in my life. He couldn't be gone I couldn't accept it. I just had to keep walking. If I got far enough away it wouldn't be true, I could make it unreal. Left, left, right and left again.

I walked down another unknown street. It was a dead end. I stood in the middle of the road unable to turn back. The dark end of the pavers glisten and bent as tears crowded my eyes. I collapsed; my body convulsed in silent sobs. I don't know how long I stayed there. Immobilised.

Some unknowable time later my eyes settled on a pair of eyes in front of me. With his heart shaped head bobbing, sitting on the road in front of me, with no fear of my presence, a small barn owl. With chocolatey feathers wreathing his pure white face. I opened myself up, trying not to move so fast that I scared this lost little bird away. He wasn’t scared, instead he hopped toward me, within arm’s reach. I saw his eyes. Wide and round, staring through my soul, they weren’t an owl’s eyes. They were his eyes, my feathers eyes. Pale green iris with flecks of brown encircling the pin prick pupils.

I had stared into those eyes so many times before, I couldn’t mistake it, too wide and circular, but I had loved those eyes and who they belonged to for so many years that I knew. My breath caught and I felt a spark of something deep inside. The owl rotated his head, asking a question with his body language. I knew. It was him.

“I love you” tears flowed down my face, but they didn’t feel so wrong anymore, “thankyou for everything, I won’t forget you”

He bobbed his head one more time and, in a gust, took flight and vanished into the night.

I took a minute. I stood up. I turned around. I started walking and I slowly, step by step, started the process of finding myself again.