Tyto

Tyto

A tale about Love, Loss and Coping with Addiction

Sitting well past sunset on the back deck of her life, she could hear the screeching of baby owls coming from her mostly abandoned barn; just an acre away. A slight smile came across her face as the sound sparked sweet memories. She reminisced about how her fondness for owls had developed. It seemed like a lifetime ago when her parents surprised her with that special charm bracelet.

"To Sara, our precious daughter. Congratulations on Baby # 1. We can't wait to meet the new littlest version of you. XoXo Love, Mom and Pop."

The bracelet contained two significant charms. The first was a baby carriage in recognition of her unborn child. The second was an owl. "What made you select this owl?" Sara asked. Her mom sort of laughed and said it was her dad's idea because of her “infinite wisdom." "Thanks Pops, glad you're starting to understand that I'm the brains of this family!"

Although he barely looked up from the book he was reading, he casually commented: "Good luck with the likes of a little barn owl in the middle of the night; screeching like they'll never eat or see their parents again." Everyone laughed. "I think my parenting style will be more like the one that tried to grab the dog when I was little."

Her dad sat up for a more serious conversation. "That was a fierce Great Horned Owl.” He looked sternly upon her. “Barn Owls are smart! They like to know things intimately. That is what will make you a good mother. Like you, they study and research, watch and listen. They make calculated moves based on evidence and then act with tact. Don't forget that last part. TACT!" "Uh. Got it …I think."

Years have passed since that conversation and there are still no 180° turns that can undo past mistakes. She can only wonder about what could have happened if there was more tact involved in her own antics. It is easy to feel justified in the moment but what about all the rest of the moments that will make up your lifetime thereafter?

Life is hard. No one gets through it without regrets. That's ok. She needs to know that forgiveness and compassion in her heart is necessary for her well-being. Someone needs to make her understand that what happened was not her fault. Freedom from hurt and disappointment can change her life; failure to find it will ruin her.

So much has changed since being that innocent, young spirit about to welcome a child of her own. She couldn't help but to clutch her stomach. Looking down she consoled herself with both arms cradling the womb that had not borne a baby for her. She looked up; as if asking for clarity from the brightest stars.

The cool wind sent a hollowing whistle through the trees. Natural simplicity. The reason her family moved to the farm. Fresh air, land to live off of and a little bit removed from the frenzy of city living.

Living outside of the City didn't stop the frenzy within her head though. It was OK for a little while, until the initial shock of losing her baby wore off. The farm was good at drowning out noise. As for the barn owls, they would still feel the vibration coming from that noise and could prepare for its next move. Sara should have remembered that. Some days there was so much noise coming from so many directions that it was impossible to think straight at all.

Even still, from an owls perspective the signs were obvious:

- Becoming withdrawn / isolated- this is socially acceptable if you have a good enough reason, she thought.

- Becoming impulsive- this behavior is also accepted and even expected after a trauma.

- Increased alcohol use- while this is probably the worst of all it was also the thing most pushed upon her.

"Let's go have a drink and talk," her friends would say. "You shouldn't be alone right now," her sister said whenever she showed up, unannounced, for a long weekend toting a few boxes of wine plus no plans to venture off the farm.

No one ever suggested a long walk or a cup of tea or breakfast at a diner. It isn't really a huge surprise that the alcohol became the crutch that held her together. Having her next drink turned into a constant priority. It kept her thoughts at bay. The impulsivity she began having only worsened as the desire to get a buzz grew stronger. Her anger became more prominent. The isolation was easy to achieve. Her depression worsened and a fast growing insatiable dislike for people crept deep inside her soul.

In her mind it was all necessary. To her friends she just needed more time to heal. To her family she needed more social interaction. To her doctor she was mildly depressed; as expected after a loss. To herself she just needed to escape.

Sometimes, with the early dawn of light peeking in, she would have to pick herself up off of the porch she had passed out on. In those moments it was almost as if she didn't quite believe it herself- But if there was a leftover glass of wine in sight she could justify herself drinking it: Lots of people start off their day with caffeine. So what was wrong with a little eye opener of other sorts? She preferred not to answer but drank the wine anyway, hoping to find a way to survive through yet another monotonous day.

Her doctor prescribed some pills that helped, in the beginning. They made the physical ache in her heart subside until she could feel almost nothing at all. She liked that feeling. At least then there was no void needing to be fulfilled. Eventually though, the fast acting stuff stopped being prescribed and the long term maintenance medicine for depression did nothing.

Given this predicament, she started bartering with the people around her. In the city; you could find anything. Pills could be sold, traded, or exchanged for favors and other unsavory things. They never question her motives because they have no reason to care.

At work it was usually good enough to just show up. As long as you don't smell of drugs, alcohol or body odor you could skate by with minimal effort. She learned that the hard way. Then at some point it just became routine. No need for new things or new adventures or even to talk to friends. A cloud 9 escape from reality, for as much of the day as possible, was the only goal.

Several close calls with criminals, police, a DWI, one job loss and one divorce later she knew she needed to change. Pondering aloud where she would find the strength for this, she yelled into the sky asking the universe why. She desperately wanted and needed to understand. Although she was reluctant, she knew that she needed to seek help before it was too late.

For one last night she fell asleep on the porch; where I was glad to watch over her. I knew she couldn't bear the pain of being inside, alone, walking past the empty room that was, briefly, the most beautiful nursery she could have imagined.

Early the next morning she woke up to her nephew's 9 year old voice. "Aunt Sara, what are you doing out here?" She gave him a sleepy smile while she stretched out in her chair. "I like to listen to the sounds of the wildlife out here. I have a friend, Tyto, who lives in the barn and likes to perch himself up on one of those tree branches right there at night." Sara pointed to a big oak tree beside the old barn.

"You have a person living in there!?" His eyes widened. "Is that why I'm never allowed to explore inside?" he asked. Her laugh was almost audible.

She grabbed him, pulling him into the chair with her so she could hug him tight. "A whole family of owls lives in those rafters. I like them because they keep other pesky rodents away. 'Tyto' is the Greek word for 'owl'; which is what I named the daddy owl."

"How do you know which one is the dad?"

"Dads are the protectors of their family. They watch out for predators and prey. Plus, barn owl moms are fancier. They have these pretty cool specks on their chest and wings. The specks look like stars or diamonds, giving her a beautiful little flare… someday I will tell you all about them." "Okay.” he said.

Getting up for the fresh cup of coffee that she could smell her sister brewing, her nephew kept talking. “I hope Tyto watches over the farm while you are away," he said. "I hope so too," Sara replied.

"Mom said we are dropping you off for an insurance-paid vacation. Why can't we stay too?" Sara didn’t know if she should be annoyed or amused by the early morning interrogation; or how she should react to her sister's semi-insensitive comment.

"You're as inquisitive as an owl," she finally said, while trying to tap into her father’s deep well of quips and advice. "Don't EVER give up on your desire to know more. It will help you greatly in the future. Always use your knowledge and all five senses to help guide you. Make tactful choices based on all of the information available to you. Life will really drag you down if you let it. Looking for the easiest way out can take you down a rabbit hole that even the best owls can't pull you out of." He squinted his eyes and looked at her with confusion in his innocent little boy face; but he laughed and finally walked quietly into the house with her.

Sara prayed that she could find that kind of lightheartedness again. She yearned for normalcy as she fought the craving for her morning buzz. Until she finds it, I will stand my post on the oak tree by the barn and allow my presence to continually help guide her.

Disclaimers:

As reported by the Center for Disease Control: Deaths resulting from substance abuse reached an all time high during the first year of the COVID-19 pandemic. These deaths were calculated at over 25% higher than car accidents, gun deaths and HIV/AIDS combined. (Shatterproof.org)

*For free, confidential treatment referrals, call the SAMHSA National Helpline at: 1-800-662-HELP or visit them online at https://www.samhsa.gov/

*For free 24/7 support to anyone in emotional distress or experiencing a suicidal crisis please call The National Suicide Prevention’s toll-free hotline at 1-800-273-TALK. To learn more please visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/