Two Rings, Endless Laughs

1. A man and his wife entered a dentist's office. The wife said,

"I want a tooth pulled. I don't want any anaesthetics because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turned to her husband and said,

"Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

2. If you want to change the world, do it while you are single. Once you're married you can't even change the TV channel.

3. When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

4. A wife complains to her husband: "Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?"

"Are you mad? I barely know the woman!"

5. Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.

His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

6. I noticed my credit card has been stolen - but I never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than my wife.

7. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".

The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine.

8. The First 3 Years of Marriage

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

9. If a man states an opinion and there is no woman to hear it, is he still wrong?

10. A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's perfect.

11. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

12. If it weren't for marriage, women would have to spend most of their adult lives arguing with complete strangers.

13. Man is incomplete until he's married. Then he's finished.

14. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

15. A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

16. A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope! I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives." His wife said, 'Thank you.'

17. A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

18. Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.

I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comme