Tough as a Mother

A lot of my life has been made up of hard lessons I had to learn on my own because you weren’t there. Physically you were, but mentally and emotionally you checked out a long time ago. Being a mom means you’re supposed to be the first line of defense for your babies and always be a safe space to hide from this cruel world and you haven’t been that for me in as long as I remember, and it’s ok. I learned to comfort my fears and be my own cheerleader, I learned to rejoice in my successes and criticize my failures - that was something I never needed help with. Strength is something you taught me.

I learned from a young age to only depend on myself; from that very same age, you raised a cynical human with a thick wall encasing her heart. As I've gotten older that wall has gotten thicker and was only destroyed when I brought a child into this world. I have ruined so many relationships and friendships because independence is something you have taught me.

Looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I have no love for a body that has never failed me, but because I never fit into single number clothing, always being compared to my younger, thinner sister it was never good enough or beautiful enough. Hating my body is something you have taught me.

You hated him and always made it known, comparing me to him my whole life. You hated a part of me and have never hidden it. Constantly hearing in my head how I'll never be good enough, never smart enough, or pretty enough. Never being enough, is something you have taught me.

Envious of other girls and their relationship with their moms, the surprise shopping dates, and the secrets shared in that haven of day trips. As much pain as I have gone through I love you mom, it’s so conflicting and I never understand. I’ve spent my whole life on the outside looking in and I've always wondered why I was kept out. Feeling like an outsider is something you have taught me.

You are a survivor and have passed that trait onto me, I'm thankful our situation never went further than it did. You’re my mother and I have always tried to do everything you’d approve of for a simple “I’m proud of you” but I know that will never come. Disapproval at every turn is something I know but as I get older, it’s not you, I am seeking approval from; it’s myself. Learning to love me isn’t something you taught me.

Being pregnant and hearing that small heartbeat for the first time flipped a switch in my brain. Seeing that little blob move around the screen and the months of stressful doctor's appointments, tests, the constant prodding and poking to make sure they are alright. Soon enough the day comes and suddenly you have no control over what happens to your body next. It's time to push through the pain and the contractions; selflessness is something my child taught me.

My son has taught me what it means to be a mother. He has shown me what true unconditional love means and what it means to be loved by someone else. He loves me for every bad day and every single body roll, every smile, and wrinkle. He loves me for my flaws and he knows he is safe with me, he showed me how to be a mother. Loving my child unconditionally is something my son taught me.